Wondering if it's really worth all the effort

[Feeling Better]

I know that I am probably not unique in this but I do have days (and I'm having one now) when I wonder what the point in all this. I am 67 years old, I don't know how much time I have left on this planet and I ask myself this question

Do I want to spend what time I have left trying to understand what the hell is going on inside my son's head, trying to figure out how I need to change so that I can reach out to him and still face the possibility of being shunned some more? Do I seriously want to put myself through that?

The thing is, that yes, I most likely will carry on reading and trying to get something to sink in this forgetful brain of mine, it's so hard and I'm trying my best to not lose sight of my goal - in some way to reconnect with my son. I don't want or expect miracles, but then again, maybe I do. I'm just a mum who wants even the tiniest bit of her son back x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi   Feelingbetter

My heart goes out to you as some days it really does seem like a thankless task. I remember writing a similar post myself. Life is short and as we enter the latter part of our lives we are so much more aware of time and how we want to spend it. For you to work so hard, and I know you are, with only a hope of a reward from your most loved son must be so so difficult and at times it's understandable that you get disheartened or question what on earth we are all striving for. It's gut wrenching and I'm so sorry as no contact is very painful, particularly when it's forced upon you.

I've been here nearly 2 years and if you take a look (I think you can see) my total time logged in is nearly 10 days. So that's 10 days of drip fed learning, venting, sharing, laughing and crying over a long period. We spend so much time talking (and complaining!) about our BPD and less time about ourselves. Personally speaking, I valued others above myself. This forum and my learning has shown me that I really do matter, my own happiness matters. Armed with this knowledge it'd be easy to walk away and get on with my life but, for me, I know there are days or incidents where I wobble; times when I need to be validated and nobody out there in my circle fully understands what it's like to have an adult son with BPD.

I think you're a wonderful Mum doing a fantastic job. I think by being here, sharing with others, we start to heal ourselves.  Your name says it all to me.  We all want to feel better and the knowledge we get from learning about BPD and the reason for the behaviours helps us immensely. Learning better communication and validation skills help us in ALL our relationships. So, whether or not your son responds, it can be a win win situation as you strive for acceptance of your situation (without judgment or resentment) and thus a happier life for yourself. 

It's an excellent question you ask and you already know it's one I can't answer for you.

Be gentle with yourself Feelingbetter, there's no rush to do anything. We only have today.  It's OK to take your foot off that gas pedal and take some time just for yourself. That's exactly what I've been doing over the summer period - taking better care of myself.

What kind of support do you have and importantly - how do you like to spend your time?  I love making art (my house is a mess, my garden full of weeds and I'm ignoring it  )

How you feeling today?

LP

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot and I really appreciate it. You have such a big heart and you always offer support and understanding with your kind and very wise words.

I can definitely relate to the valuing others before oneself, I have been guilty of this in the past and probably still am to a degree but I am getting there. I have lots of guilt free time these days where I please myself what I do and when I do it. I used to spend hours walking in the countryside which is easily accessible from where I live and I aim to do more of that. I understand the value of exercise, especially where the mind is concerned and I find that once I've done a good walk I am usually at peace with myself.

You ask what support do I have, socially I have support in the form of my circle of friends, they aren't aware of my situation but I do get that time with them when I can forget about the other stuff going on in my life and I can enjoy being me and having a good time. I have one very good friend who I have known for years and years, we have been through a lot together and she gives me support on a more emotional level as she is fully aware of my situation and I trust her, she is a rock. My family is a different kettle of fish. My H continues to have his head in the sand and although he says that he knows our son is mentally ill, he simply doesn't understand and doesn't try to, which I find quite sad. He can't get past taking things personally unfortunately. The rest of my family, apart from one daughter, have not seen the other side of my son (who does admit to feeling depressed and he talks to my eldest daughter about this, so as far as she is aware, that is what is wrong with him, although she has suggested to me in the past that he could be bipolar). Having said all that I know they will always be there for me. My biggest problem is me, I don't readily ask for help when I need it. This forum for me has been the best thing ever for support and I thank everyone on here.

You ask me how I am feeling today and I have to say that today I am feeling much better thank you. Yesterday I hated this name I've given myself but today I don't mind it. That big black cloud that was hovering overhead has passed me by.

 I know through reading your posts Lollypop that you have been, and still are, going through a lot with your own son and I want to offer my support to you and to thank you for being you and for being there x

[Huat]

Hello Feeling Better!

I am 74 so from one more senior Mom to another... .a (HUG).  We've been on the "battlefield" for a long time, haven't we?

I, too, have lived through many estrangements from my daughter over the years and the hurt was compounded by the fact that she was the mother of my only 2 grandchildren.  I wasted a lot of my precious years depending on her for my happiness.

I have a little group I meet up with a couple of times a week.  Laughs abound most of the time as I join in and we work out the ills-of-the-world.  On some days, though, I do find it difficult when the topic turns to family-stuff... .their stories warm, fuzzy, comical... .me silent as I listen with a smile on my face.  While they know some of my story, I would dumbfound them if I shared all of the chapters.

This forum has been so, so helpful to me.  I needed to hear/read that there are other parents out there with experiences/feelings similar to mine... .offspring similar to mine.  I need to reach out to others, like you, to let them know they are not alone.  That gives me strength and I am finding that life can be good despite the stormy relationship I have with my child.

A dear, dear friend of mine who I admire so much is a young, single Mom to a severely disabled child.  She has told me that the only way she has been able to continue on has been to remember to find ways to look after herself and it floors me at times when she greets me with smiles.  Well... .if she can find happiness in her life, it is within our reach, too.

Keep sharing, Feeling Better!  Those darn clouds come and go but the sun is shining in my world today... .and I hope in yours, too.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Huat

Thank you so much for replying to my post, it means a lot to know that someone else understands what I am going through.

I have actually read a lot of your posts and I know that you have had a lot to contend with yourself and in spite of that you always offer such compassionate and helpful replies to others. You have a big heart Huat.

You say that you wasted a lot of your precious years depending on your daughter for your happiness, I hope that you don't feel regret for those years because they have helped to make you the person that you are today.

You do sound as though you have really got yourself together and I admire you for that. Like you I am starting to find inner strength by reaching out to others and I will continue to do so as I too have found that helping others helps me too. Not so long ago I would never have thought that I would be here writing about my feelings because I am normally a very private person but it just feels so right and that is down to such welcoming and caring people like you x