See clearly and am very different now...but lonely

[PhoenixJade]

I've been with my person with BPD for 3 years and I'm over all of this 'drama.'   I was in a very vulnerable place 3 years ago when I got involved with him.  Then I said no, don't want this relationship with you (saw the flags) but he was extremely persistent and I was vulnerable. I've spent much time reflecting on the woman I was then.  That deep reflection has been life changing for me.

Here I am now (and I'm not going to go through the last 3 years with my partner) but it was (and is) a roller coaster (with his explosions, tantrums, alcoholism)... .we broke up but I did get back with him after he sobered up for 1 year.  We moved in together a year ago after he was sober for a year. 

He still exhibited his BPD while he was sober (after we moved in together).  The rages showed up... .he just didn't get physical.

He was sober for 18 months but he started drinking again this last summer.  Here it goes again.

But I'm very different now.  Perhaps I'm getting stronger internally. 

I'm taking time to fully extricate myself from this.  My head is clearer than before and I see it for what it is... .however, I do crave warm, compassionate, deep conversations.

I came from a professional world of finance and one that was driven by extreme competition and materialism... .a smaller level of "Wolves of Wall Street".

I left that career because I wanted a profession with more meaning and where I would have business colleagues (and customers) who were more in line with my values, way of being in the world and operating.

I also saw that I became rather tough in this relationship... .Tired of seeing so much abuse of other people (myself included as a recipient of abuse).  I have no tolerance for bullies, for those who try to overpower others, who lie and deceive for their own benefit.

It angers me.  Now, I'm okay with my anger... .I've learned how to use it and direct it.  I use it to direct me toward what is right for me and I speak out against injustice to others.

Perhaps that was the purpose of this relationship.  I'm stronger and not so naive anymore but I am lonely.

I crave warm, connecting, compassionate, insightful conversations and connections with others and it's been difficult to find.  People think I'm an extrovert... .but I'm not... .I'm an introvert (which means I'm not shy (haha by any means) but I am one who recharges internally and needs deep, authentic conversations as opposed to idle chit chat).

So here I am... .trying to keep my nervous system calm from a loud, aggressive BPD person with whom I live (right now). 

My body does feel exhausted at times being around his energy. 

I only want support for me. No lectures on how to help a relationship get better.  I've spent the majority of my adult life reading books, listening to others dole out their advice on relationships, going to therapists about how to improve a relationship.  I've read countless books on BPD, narcissism, addicts.  I'm over that.

  This is about me now.

[Seenowayout]

Hi PJ  I can relate to your introvert/extrovert comment.  I too am an introvert, though most folks would think otherwise.  And I too need time to recharge my batteries after managing, connecting, working all day. 

One of the eye openers for me was when my exBPD raged at me once "Oh, you just need your [insert my name here] time" with such sneer and such mocking that it stung.  I was embarrassed.  The "gaslit me" at that time probably denied it or apologized.

Now that my head is clearing from all the drama trauma -- I'm wondering why that embarrassed me so much?  I did need "me" time!  Most people do.  Quiet re-charging reflection time.  It made me a better person -- for her!  I could write poetry or hike or read interesting things or just pray and grow -- and bring her back a refreshed more interesting me. 

She just became expert at shaming me at everything I did.  And I became an expert at taking it.

I hate bullies too.  It's not his fault.  But it's not your job to fix it and you won't unless you recharge anyway.  Get yourself some Phoenix Jade time!

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are enduring this. You have come to a good place fun of supportive people. You are not alone.

[PhoenixJade]

I'm not quite sure how to reply to the messages so I just clicked reply at the top.

Seenoway... .thank you for attuning to me and sharing some of your experience.  That meant so much here, thank you.  I did take some time the last 4 hours for 'me'... .some clarity as far as my next steps which I'll immediately start first thing in the morning and also it was a great decompression time.

Hope, Thank You.  I didn't realize this was such a process.  I want to do everything I can to keep my head clear, myself and my sweet Tripod safe... .and get my physical health back.  I took my blood pressure a couple hours ago and it was 164/94.  It's steadily crept up since I got back with him a year ago... .and this is the highest it's been (that I've taken it).  Thank you for the support and kind words   

[hope2727]

Wow that is a definite sign that it is time to take care of you. Please keep posting here. You are obviously an intelligent and capable person. We are here if you need advice or to vent. Many of us have been there. ITs tough but you will make it. 

[PhoenixJade]

Thank you Hope... .it is tough (and the going to bed nightly routine is becoming a nightmare now)... .I finally decompressed last night, got into bed about 9:30ish (he was drinking beers and watching tv in bed for the prior 2 hours).  I'm not much of a tv watcher... .I can go weeks and never have it on. I do like to get to bed at a decent hour and I much prefer reading, meditating or simply writing/journaling before bed... .and in bed when I go to sleep.

I asked if he would please turn the tv off at 10:00 pm or go downstairs and watch tv at 10:00 as I thought that is a realistic time for me to ask so I can get some shut eye.

Well, that turned into... .you are so bossy, so controlling... .yelling at me.  I said I have a right to go to bed at a decent hour, in my bed and in a quiet room so I can get up and be fresh and ready to work in the morning.  Asking for a 10:00 pm shut off (or go watch it somewhere else) is reasonable. 

That did not go over well and he yelled again... .over and over.  I used something I saw last night on this forum... .told him that him calling me names and yelling at me is abusive, to STOP IT... .Well that escalated things... .I kept asking him to STOP... .every time I did he yelled louder.  Then he told me to get out.  Then he stormed off and went downstairs.

This is becoming more and more intense... .and now that he started drinking again the last 2 months it's getting worse.

He has a 100k job and is a software engineer... .he missed a morning conference call last week, he had been drinking the night before and didn't wake up in time for it. 

There is a part of me that thinks I should go up and wake him for this morning's meeting but I am fighting the urge.  This is his battle... .but I know I'll pay for it when he eventually wakes up and is in an awful mood because he missed it.

This forum is so helpful and it feels good to write this out.

I was up at 6:00 am with my to do list in hand... .starting my day so I can get all my financials in order, get my mail moved to a PO Box of my own, continue to keep a clear head.

I'm working on a commission basis and I have to get things moving steadily for myself.  I also have a side business so I need to focus on all of this so I can find a comfortable place to live and not move out in a last minute rush/chaotic filled environment and just move into something because it's the only thing available at that moment.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016 so last year took a toll on me (and the couple years preceding that)

Me head is clear and I can see it's futile to see this relationship has any long term potential... .it will be at the expense of my health and life.

I just simply can't believe how insane it is to live like this and someone can create so much misery and be so awful to another.  Even though he's gone off time and time again (physically when he was drinking some years ago) I still have a hard time grasping the danger (emotionally and physically.)  But, this time with his drinking again, I don't know when he'll go off and physically hurt me.  That's the reality of this.

There is no hope but to save myself.

Thanks for your encouragement and being there   

 

[Seenowayout]

If this helps any -- today is six months since she left me. 

And last month was the best month I ever had for both of my businesses -- 3 times the revenue for each one.  It never would have happened if she was still with me.

But I think about her still every day.  Not in a wish we were still together way anymore.  More of a "I hope she's oK" kinda way and a "what the heck happened there" kinda way.

You're doing the right thing I think by getting your ducks in a row

[PhoenixJade]

Hi See... .yes, that helps immensely... .gives me more hope and motivation.  You get it... .this sort of thing takes a toll on a person and it definitely has on my production/revenue.  I never, ever slip with current clients... .but generating more business and developing the businesses have taken such a back seat... .it's hurt my revenue definitely.

It's also helpful to see the thoughts, etc that occurs after the break up... .I want to be more prepared (emotionally) than I was last time when we split.  The interesting thing was I had just got to such a great place and had let him go emotionally, accepted it and was clear... .then the call/texts started again and what did I do... .got back into it.

I want to get everything lined up better this time and be prepared for all of it.

Thank you so much 

[Frankee]

It angers me.  Now, I'm okay with my anger... .I've learned how to use it and direct it.  I use it to direct me toward what is right for me and I speak out against injustice to others.


That did not go over well and he yelled again... .over and over.  I used something I saw last night on this forum... .told him that him calling me names and yelling at me is abusive, to STOP IT... .Well that escalated things... .I kept asking him to STOP... .every time I did he yelled louder.  Then he told me to get out.  Then he stormed off and went downstairs.

There is no hope but to save myself.

I find anger is the kind of emotion that if expressed in a healthy way can be like fuel to a fire.  Get that motivation and adrenaline rush and direct it in a productive way.  I also find when I'm told I can't do something, it angers me and I go full force to prove that person wrong.

I find your experience like mine.  We went head to head one time.  It was bad.  He accused me of cheating and I lost it.  Told him I may be a lot of things, but I'm no cheater.  We went toe to toe.  I cut him with every mean, sarcastic, throw down that I had been holding back.  He put his hands on me a couple times and I shoved at him saying that he better gets his hands off me right now.  He tried to scare me and threaten me.  I was gone though.  I literally did not give a **** about the outcome of the argument.  It ended up with him telling me to get out and I stormed off.  He found me, picked me up, and we sat in the car for a couple hours.  He refused to let me out until we both calmed down and were able to talk it out.

I understand how you don't want others telling you to stay or go or give their advice on what they think you should do.  I'm there with you.  I come on here to vent, know that I'm not crazy or alone, and to maybe get insight.  I don't want others judging my relationship.  I just want support. 

[PhoenixJade]

Hi Frankee... .yes everyone is on their own path and each person has his/her own life lessons, joys, pivotal aha moments in their own way. It's not for others to decide for another if they should stay or go.  I know people come from a place of concern when they offer that though.

For me, my primary focus is my well being.  I am putting myself first now.  You know what... .I'm loving it.  It's not in my DNA though, to not help, not give to others... .thus my partner still receives care, attention and tlc... .I just say No so much more often now... .even going on trips now because I need to stay and focus on my work and business.  That's my priority.  He's constantly struggling financially But he's also doing things to create that situation.  Not my problem now.  I see he's in his situation because of choices he makes.  I won't be drug down with him.

With that said I've chosen to not be drug into his drama and the fallout of choices he makes.

I'm working on my life and am excited about it.  I've been a meditator for 17 years but the last 3 went fairly by the wayside.  It was sporadic.  Now, the last 3 months, I'm back to meditating daily and it's incredibly fulfilling here... .it changes things.

It changes the brain, the mind, the body.  I had a number of self-care routines before I met him... .and that changed (depression, PTSD, grief over losing a loved one, grief over things that just happened in my life)  but now I'm coming back and all the routines and good habits I had pre-border is coming back online... .and I'm also being intentional with this.

I've spent a lot of quiet, reflective time regarding this situation and my life.

I am responsible for all of it... .I did not know or understand the ramifications of being with an individual like this... .Now I know.  I had and have my own lessons to learn through it.

Hug to you and take care