Introduction - Happy to Find This

[TallDad]

Hi. I learned about this forum through the walking on eggshells book, and I am excited, and a little nervous, to have this as a resource.

I am in the middle of a divorce, and it is as if my partner is going through this book, and using it as step-by-step instructions. I've been a full-time parents since 2004, and since I filed for divorce, she has put in court orders blocking me from being around the kids. She says that I physically and sexually threatened her, and that I sexually abused one of my daughters.

I've been in denial, I guess. Hoping that this would all just go away, if I acted with enough peace and Stillness, this would blow over. It hasn't, and it's only getting worse.

We are going into mediation in November, and I don't expect that we will come to any agreement, which means that the court will have to settle it. I'm scared, because she is so good at this kind of thing. She's a fantastic academic, great with rules, she's beautiful Charming, and very intelligent.

Really looking forward to having this as a resource. I'm not even done with the book yet, but it is so specifically talking about her that I thought I should sign on to this.

[livednlearned]

Hi TallDad,

Nervous is normal  And I'm really sorry for what brings you here. These divorces are living nightmares.

There is a lot of collective wisdom here from people who have been in the same trenches, so I'm glad you found your way here and are reaching out. It helps a lot when others walk with us through these ordeals.

Have you come across Bill Eddy's book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse? If not, it's a good one to add to your library. Eddy wrote his book with Kreger, who wrote Walking on Eggshells, and he (Eddy) is a former social worker who began working as a family law attorney, and recognized how BPD parents can become high-conflict personalities (HCPs) in the court system.

My ex was a former trial attorney -- charming, brilliant, and whatnot. I felt the same way that you did, worried he would run over me with a steamroller.

With help from friends here and a good attorney (and a good judge), I managed to turn things around. But I understand the fear -- when you've been bullied and abused, it's easy to think others will respond the same way. I was surprised to see how ill my ex looked when light was shone on his behaviors.

Have the court orders to block access been successful? How old are the kids? Are you living separately at the moment?

Feel free to share as much as you're comfortable sharing. I know it can feel a bit weird at first 

LnL

[ForeverDad]

I've been a full-time parents since 2004, and since I filed for divorce, she has put in court orders blocking me from being around the kids. She says that I physically and sexually threatened her, and that I sexually abused one of my daughters.

And you may need more than a proactive, problem-solving family law attorney.  In case any of these allegations go further than investigations that are thereafter closed as unsubstantiated, you really need a criminal defense lawyer's advice as well.  Just in case.  Why?  Because looking for a lawyer once you've sat in jail for a few days or a case has been filed against you or your ex has managed to get a restraining order issued against you, well, that's a bit late to recover from.

Apparently you are now blocked from contact with the children?  Probably then these are only temporary orders.  What the court should be doing is to promptly assign experienced professionals to investigate or evaluate the validity of the allegations.  Once they report there are no issues, then you need to ask the court for "normal" visitation.  Sadly, normal for dads is too often just alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between.  Get the best parenting time order you can get as early in the case as possible.  Courts later are not inclined to make major improvements to schedules, often just tweaks hoping minimal changes are enough.

Most here report that the first task after getting a "temporary order" is mediation.  However, that seldom works for us in PD divorces because our stbEx is simply too entitled and feeling in control for a reasonable settlement that soon.  Perhaps later, closer to a major hearing or trial that will not go in stbEx's favor.  So don't be too quick to settle since you likely will only be gifted crumbs at this early stage.