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Author Topic: feels like the end of the relationship is always near  (Read 375 times)
Maya60
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« on: October 02, 2017, 09:54:12 AM »

Hi all 

Everything I set a boundary for myself, saying to myself I should end my relationship when we will have another huge fight which makes me feel depressed for days... .You know, those fight where everything is my fault, even if I just asked a question that normal people would not find offending. He starts yelling. I try to calm him down, but in the end he keeps on saying I triggered him cos I should not have done what I just did.

For example I asked him to take care of our finances. Its his task (we both agreed on this), but all the receipts were piling up and I asked him many times to calculate how much grocery money I will get from him. Now this weekend he got all angry just because I asked him again (I paid a hotel for us, I bought a new bed... .but when I ask about getting back money I spend on groceries I suddenly am a horrible whiny person  >> this he said yelling).

I just don't know how to keep up with this
-He promised to visit a therapist 3 times already -  didn't happen
-He promised to try and work on his emotional outburst - it went okay for about a month, now it starts again

i just feel stuck at this moment. I feel I have to be careful of every word I say, or we'll have  fight again and another weekend (after a week of hard work) is wasted again.

The thing is... whenever the fight gets really bad and I leave (happened 3 times), he suddenly becomes all understanding. Will promise things will get better and that he understands it is not okay the way he behaves.
But later on... .the behaviour starts again... .and it is my fault again.

I wish I could just make my decision and stop my relationship at a moment like this  But then he will show himself from his best and most sweet side and I will give in and give it another try... .

Its so frustrating!
Emotionally, I love him. But rationally, it would be better to end it.

Anyone in this situation?
Thank you for reading 

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Enabler
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Relationship status: Living apart
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« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2017, 10:30:30 AM »

I have had a tendency to take on too much in our "relationship" (heading for divorce) but I do gain a sense of "it's done" and we're making progress if I just crack on. Whether or not that be the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, garden etc etc I just now quietly get on with doing things with no fuss, no fanfare way. If she protests that "I was going to do that", I just say, "you looked jammed, it's no trouble". I know it might get some push back and I understand you may well be overloaded with your own responsibilities but have you tried having a go yourself. You may well feel more in control of your own destiny and less at the whim of his mood to allow you the information you need to continue your life. This is kinda how I feel about the housework and garden. I'm the one that wants it looking nice so I shall do it. You are the one that needs the financial information to prevent your life from stalling. Kindly and compassionately take control. Think of a way of asking him such that it doesn't guilt or shame him and say "I was wondering if you could help me work through the finances, I don't think it's fair for me to burden you with the books and it will mean that I can get the information I need without sounding like I'm nagging you." Internally you may well be thinking you're taking yet more responsibility from him that belongs with him... .but it's frustrating you, stopping you from getting on with life, it will likely take you 10 minutes and be yet another thing to reduce conflict. It's about results not what is right... .maybe it's just not important to him. If my uBPDw is anything to go by, pwBPD are not capable of true partnership as true partnership requires altruism, and altruism is pretty tough when you're permanently in emotional chaos... .It's all about his or her feelings.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2017, 11:20:07 AM »

Excerpt
Its so frustrating!  Emotionally, I love him. But rationally, it would be better to end it.

You put that well, Maya60.  You have summed up the quandary of a BPD r/s!  Let me ask you a question or two:  Do you think he loves you in the same way that you love him?  Do you think your love for him also has qualities of an unhealthy attachment, possibly related to events from your childhood?  Does it feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster?

Those are tough questions, I know, but mighty help you to find your path.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Maya60
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2017, 02:51:39 AM »

You put that well, Maya60.  You have summed up the quandary of a BPD r/s!  Let me ask you a question or two:  Do you think he loves you in the same way that you love him?  Do you think your love for him also has qualities of an unhealthy attachment, possibly related to events from your childhood?  Does it feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster?

Those are tough questions, I know, but mighty help you to find your path.

LuckyJim
Hi Jim,

Yes, he loves me so much. Maybe in a way too dependent way though. It also results into extreme jealousy since he's so afraid of losing me. Kind of a paradox ha?
No, my childhood has been great. Got a nice family, and visit my parents a lot. Its not like I "need" someone to be with.

I love him since he's someone who can love you in that intense way no one else can. We can have so much fun together (with more people around it gets complicated), he's sweet and kind and makes you feel special. At the same time his way of reacting is the total opposite of this part of him.
That last part is the rollercoaster yes... .One day everything is perfect and I feel like I wanna be with him forever. The next day I feel sad and disrespected again... .
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2017, 10:40:17 AM »

Excerpt
the rollercoaster yes... .One day everything is perfect and I feel like I wanna be with him forever. The next day I feel sad and disrespected again... .

Hey Maya, That's a great description of a BPD r/s!  Yes, it's a cycle.  I thought that my BPDxW and I would reach a plateau of relative emotional stability, yet it proved to be a mirage that we never attained.  The drama and turbulence continued throughout our marriage and eventually proved too much to sustain it.  I suggest you focus on what is right for you.  What are your needs?  What is the best path for you?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
donkey2016
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2017, 12:42:50 PM »

Hi Maya60,

I could have written your post. Exactly the same word for word - even with the issue with him getting angry when I'm asking for the grocery money. The rages don't go away - they get worse over time. I'm really sorry to tell you that. I know that you love him. What helped me a lot was to detach emotionally - you find the tools here on this web site. I wouldn't have been able to cope otherwise. donkey2016
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Maya60
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« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2017, 02:31:13 PM »

Hey Maya, That's a great description of a BPD r/s!  Yes, it's a cycle.  I thought that my BPDxW and I would reach a plateau of relative emotional stability, yet it proved to be a mirage that we never attained.  The drama and turbulence continued throughout our marriage and eventually proved too much to sustain it.  I suggest you focus on what is right for you.  What are your needs?  What is the best path for you?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim
Hi Jim. Yes thats exactly what I'm thinking a lot about lately. How do I want to live my life and how much can and do I want to adjust to his behaviour.
The most difficult issue to me is him not reaching out for help. If he'll be able that get a diagnose (cant be anything else than BPD or a related problem)  then there will be a way to discuss the arguments in a different way. He knows he's being so difficult for himself and his environment, but he tries to hide from his demons... .
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Maya60
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« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2017, 02:37:50 PM »

Hi Maya60,

I could have written your post. Exactly the same word for word - even with the issue with him getting angry when I'm asking for the grocery money. The rages don't go away - they get worse over time. I'm really sorry to tell you that. I know that you love him. What helped me a lot was to detach emotionally - you find the tools here on this web site. I wouldn't have been able to cope otherwise. donkey2016

Hi Donkey!
Yes and today its the grocery money and tomorow maybe cos I went away shopping one hour longer than expected. I never see it coming, the anger. So I cant prevent it as well. And afterwards he really thinks it was necessary to act so extreme angry. Its not in balance with the situation.
I will try to read some more yes Smiling (click to insert in post) its hard though, cos it always feels like a personal attack. Like he suddenly hates me. I know its not like that, but he cant understand my feelings get hurt a lot when he acts like that. Its like a total blind spot.
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Maya60
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 79


« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2017, 07:50:04 AM »

Hi all!
Well, after some days with very heated discussions, we both think we should do something to change this. I brought up couples therapy... .I was scared he might not like it in the first place. But he did. We both agreed we need progress to continue our relationship. So if we don't see any, it will be better to call it a day.
 
I know the main problem is BPD (but he does not know that... ). But the most fight happen due to communication problems. So I hope this will be a step towards some more understanding.
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pearlsw
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"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2017, 08:09:12 AM »

Hi Maya,

I just came to this board looking to see what's up and saw your post. I saw how your discussion here developed, and normally I wouldn't butt in, but I get the impression you are looking for answers and possibly strategies, that you are a turning point.

Hi all!
Well, after some days with very heated discussions, we both think we should do something to change this. I brought up couples therapy... .I was scared he might not like it in the first place. But he did. We both agreed we need progress to continue our relationship. So if we don't see any, it will be better to call it a day.
 
I know the main problem is BPD (but he does not know that... ). But the most fight happen due to communication problems. So I hope this will be a step towards some more understanding.

Would you like to post questions and get some help over on the Improving Board? I get the impression you want to make this work and that focusing on lessons there could help you find your way. Is that accurate? Smiling (click to insert in post)

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