Am I being gaslighted?

[disorderedsociety]

Hi all, I have been in a relationship with a person for 1 1/2 years now, and I've gotten increasingly neurotic I feel, over the last year or so. I was drinking more and more heavily around this person, and yes I have had issues with alcohol but not to this extent. I have been sober for 7 months. Now I find I match a lot of these:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

Today, here's an example... .Yesterday I asked her to move out, she jumped to the conclusion or so she said, that I was throwing her out right then and there (shouldn't she know I'm not that kind of person?,) and panicked in front of her dad's girlfriend, who then "snatched the phone away" and sent me a text about how "you're better than that, you don't like yourself, you don't wanna be that guy, etc." and so I stood by that, and said you need to find somewhere else to live, but it's gonna be a few months as she's waiting on a friend to have a place ready.

Last night we had a decent convo and this morning she brought up that she thinks I "could be bipolar" because of how I was kicking her out and then we had a good conversation. I said I disagree, but I am in recovery so it could be similar. Then I started doubting my perceptions and giving into the anxious attachment I've felt toward her for so long now. Then when she left with her mom, all of the sudden with like 30 minutes notice that she was going to see her mom, I said ok I'm not crazy... .I need to talk to people about this. This isn't normal, I shouldn't feel so on edge... .

[Donalith]

I think perhaps you're looking for answers and reassurances from the wrong people? In my opinion, you're neither more bipolar for her stating her thoughts or less bipolar for us stating ours. If you feel you have something to work on, perhaps a professional could help you identity the source or your anxiety and help you growth through it. Once you understand why you do what you do, and why you do it, you're much less likely to be concerned with other peoples guesses.

That may not have been what you're looking for but I believe in you, for what it's worth.

[JohnLove]

The simple answer is that's not gaslighting but twisting (the truth). She twisted the truth to make herself the victim and you the bad guy. Thats the very definition of emotional abuse. Dad's girlfriend then became a flying monkey and furthered the emotional abuse directed toward you.

2 against 1 is never a fair "fight".

Your increased inebreation is another symptom of emotional abuse. Dont permit me to condone your drinking, but in relationships that feature emotional abusive arent exactly loving and your drinking is to compensate for that consistent feeling of elation you get with being in a genuinely loving relationship... .even long after the honeymoon period has ended.

The false accusation that YOU are bipolar is just that... .the only truth likely is you may have picked up BPD fleas after being abused for an extended period. There really isn't any other way to cope if you remain connected to this person and begin to operate in their world of the false self, projection... .and their delusions.

Sorry... .there really is no simple answer.

[seekingserenity7]

Did you tell her to move out via text? Seems like a conversation that should be had in person. What happened leading up to that text you sent was your last interaction a fairly pleasant one? Did she have any warning that it was coming? It could be what contributed to her thinking it was bipolar behavior. Seems like there is a gap in communication and a bunch of misunderstandings going on. She had no right to let her dads girlfriend message you, but she could have been in a state of panic and not thinking clearly.

[donkey2016]

Hi ,
I have read your other post as well (including the answer to me). At first I didn't understand what you meant that you're in a similar situation as me but I can see it now. I have been through similar situation with my boyfriend that he makes up all kinds of excuses for not leaving. One year ago it escalated to him being very scary towards me even though never threatening to hit me. After that incident he accepted to move out - the next couple of days. I was also accused to "kicking him out" and also I have been accused to being delusional and I don't remember all. It's a way of making you confused and to gain time. Like JohnLove says twisting things and projecting their own fears and psychological issues onto you. Of course you have anxiety - who wouldn't in your situation? I have a lot of anxiety  especially when he's here. Still I miss him after he has left.
Hang in there - you're not crazy,
Donkey2016

[disorderedsociety]

Did you tell her to move out via text? Seems like a conversation that should be had in person. What happened leading up to that text you sent was your last interaction a fairly pleasant one? Did she have any warning that it was coming? It could be what contributed to her thinking it was bipolar behavior. Seems like there is a gap in communication and a bunch of misunderstandings going on. She had no right to let her dads girlfriend message you, but she could have been in a state of panic and not thinking clearly.

I mentioned it before, and I think any sane, even relatively healthy person would've seen it coming based on my behavior toward her. I told her I needed to be alone, needed the house to myself, etc. Yes I sent her a text because I finally had worked up the nerve at work and was afraid I'd lose nerve later once I was around her; she would probably talk me out of it. Sure she claimed to be in a state of panic, and maybe I should've mentioned it in person but this is taking its toll on me and I wanted to do something as soon as I possibly could. Was it perfect? No. The extra red flags are her asking me last night, "so am I still your girlfriend?" I told her, "for now" and she didn't say anything, like she was just satiated with the extra time. Then we were texting about finances today, how I felt she was irresponsible for putting a new purchase on her credit card when I had asked -several- times for her to pay just the internet bill. That's it. $57 and of course she found reasons to justify it, such as "well it doesn't matter because it's on credit, I know I'm responsible for it" then after my phone died I got about 10 texts about how she "wound up" in another town with her friend who she is going to potentially room with, to see if her cat and the friend's cats would get along. "In my state of panic of not knowing if I could stay there I wound up here"

Another huge red flag was that one night, when I was really drunk I was sitting next to her and said something really obnoxiously, and nudged her arm like, "hey, get it? Geeet it?" and she literally called the cops and they took me to jail. Later she dropped it but since then I have been even more on edge.

I mean, should I just tolerate this and play grey rock until she leaves or keep fighting it?

[donkey2016]

Hi,
I understand you. It gets so confusing everything. They are twisting and turning around your words. You don't know inside out anymore. Just give her a date that she has to be out. I would be careful with the drinking if I were you since it makes it even harder to keep a clear head.
Donkey2016

[disorderedsociety]

Hi,
I understand you. It gets so confusing everything. They are twisting and turning around your words. You don't know inside out anymore. Just give her a date that she has to be out. I would be careful with the drinking if I were you since it makes it even harder to keep a clear head.
Donkey2016

I think it's more like she's a bit lost without a partner, I still don't see her as having necessarily malicious intent, but there are behaviors that put me on edge, like last night when she was staying over there, she kept texting me about stuff to get me to have a conversation, going from crying one second to happy about a topic she was bringing up. I conversed back on a friend-type level. Nothing mushy or emotional, just like oh cool. I don't know if I can wait until March, but that's when she for sure has a place to go. With the drinking, I haven't had a drop since February, and I plan to stay that way. Alcohol just isn't good for your spiritual practice, whatever it may be.

[Notwendy]

My observation about pwBPD is that they tend to see themselves as victims. I don't think this is deliberate but a way their thinking helps them to avoid bad feelings of shame about themselves as victims are generally blameless. When projecting their bad feelings on to others- they tend to blame them for their feelings and their circumstances.

The drama triangle is a strong pattern. When the pwBPD is in victim position, they see others as their rescuers or persecutors.

You have every right to ask her to move out if this is your choice. With BPD she is not likely to look at her part in this conclusion, and to see you as the persecutor.

I think often we nons don't want to be seen as bad people and we react emotionally to these accusations. It may help to know that people who see themselves as victims may see others as the problem - no matter how much we wish for this to be different. In order for you to stick to your plans- you have to accept that she will see you however she chooses. You can not control her thinking.

Also, what she thinks or feels doesn't make it true. She could think you were a pink elephant but that doesn't mean you are one. It helps to keep a sense of who we are in relationships- and this is hard with someone who you want to think kindly of you. However, it is imaginable that the idea of moving out- even if it is for the better- is stressful and she is dealing with her feelings in the way she is able to.

This isn't gaslighting IMHO, it is a result of taking victim position and you wanting to be the good guy ( rescuer) not the bad guy ( persecutor) but to move forward takes accepting that this is the way she may choose to see you and knowing that you are not a bad person even if she says you are.

[disorderedsociety]

My observation about pwBPD is that they tend to see themselves as victims. I don't think this is deliberate but a way their thinking helps them to avoid bad feelings of shame about themselves as victims are generally blameless. When projecting their bad feelings on to others- they tend to blame them for their feelings and their circumstances.

The drama triangle is a strong pattern. When the pwBPD is in victim position, they see others as their rescuers or persecutors.

You have every right to ask her to move out if this is your choice. With BPD she is not likely to look at her part in this conclusion, and to see you as the persecutor.

I think often we nons don't want to be seen as bad people and we react emotionally to these accusations. It may help to know that people who see themselves as victims may see others as the problem - no matter how much we wish for this to be different. In order for you to stick to your plans- you have to accept that she will see you however she chooses. You can not control her thinking.

Also, what she thinks or feels doesn't make it true. She could think you were a pink elephant but that doesn't mean you are one. It helps to keep a sense of who we are in relationships- and this is hard with someone who you want to think kindly of you. However, it is imaginable that the idea of moving out- even if it is for the better- is stressful and she is dealing with her feelings in the way she is able to.

This isn't gaslighting IMHO, it is a result of taking victim position and you wanting to be the good guy ( rescuer) not the bad guy ( persecutor) but to move forward takes accepting that this is the way she may choose to see you and knowing that you are not a bad person even if she says you are.

That makes the most sense. I was wondering why even though I couldn't find any hard evidence of her doing something really crappy like cheating or whatever I still felt like crap in this situation. I think the best course of action isn't to just be like, "hey I don't want to be with you, I don't love you, etc." I do care about her, but I think it's best to let things go by smoothly, as she looks for a place. She has a friend who can open a spot for her soon-ish, and I don't want to just kick her out overnight, I think that would be too much stress for her and for me. Weird, as soon as I got up today she's like, "are we still together?" I asked why? She said "because you've been acting distant" Well, all I did was hang out in my room and keep convos short. I told her I'm trying to figure it out.

[disorderedsociety]

Another thing was she admitted to lying about having been with this guy a few years ago she claimed she had never been with, "because it's the past and I'm a different person now and I'm ashamed:

  ? I mean isn't that intolerable?

[Notwendy]

What is tolerable or not is a personal boundary. We all have our own ideas about the qualities we want in a partner. We also don't need for someone to be wrong or bad, or to do something terrible to not want to live with them. There are perfectly wonderful people out there that are not a good match for someone. If we are too picky of course, then we are not likely to find anyone to be with but we have the right to decide what we want.

Some people want a partner of the same religion, some don't. Some people are OK with an open relationship and some are not. It isn't about the other person. It is about us.

Choosing to live with someone is a big decision. You can choose to live with someone or not, and it may have nothing to do with the other person but about you, your values and what you want.

If you value honesty and find out she isn't honest then this is about you- your value system. This may or may not be tolerable to someone else.

Perhaps if you make this choice about you- your reasons for the decision, what you want in a relationship, it may help. She doesn't have to do something intolerable  or be wrong to not be a match for you.

[disorderedsociety]

What is tolerable or not is a personal boundary. We all have our own ideas about the qualities we want in a partner. We also don't need for someone to be wrong or bad, or to do something terrible to not want to live with them. There are perfectly wonderful people out there that are not a good match for someone. If we are too picky of course, then we are not likely to find anyone to be with but we have the right to decide what we want.

Some people want a partner of the same religion, some don't. Some people are OK with an open relationship and some are not. It isn't about the other person. It is about us.

Choosing to live with someone is a big decision. You can choose to live with someone or not, and it may have nothing to do with the other person but about you, your values and what you want.

If you value honesty and find out she isn't honest then this is about you- your value system. This may or may not be tolerable to someone else.

Perhaps if you make this choice about you- your reasons for the decision, what you want in a relationship, it may help. She doesn't have to do something intolerable  or be wrong to not be a match for you.

This is very true. It's been guilt-provoking in a way, to discuss her moving out with my friends, and potentially breaking up if that isn't sufficient, but even they are telling me, well obviously from what you've said, you're not happy with how it is, and it needs to change. I've felt guilty, and really hoped I'd find more evidence for PD, simply because I've been historically more comfortable putting my own needs aside for others' but at this point, I've gotten to a stage where I'm ready to own my needs, and anything else becomes slowly more and more uncomfortable. That doesn't mean this relationship is totally 100% healthy or that we don't have our own issues, but it's much easier to make such a decision if I can find evidence of guile or manipulation. The things she's said and done seem to be along the lines of some immaturity, but nothing too drastic, so it makes it difficult to decide. But, I already feel better having discussed her moving out with her.