She pushed me too far today.

[Skip]

(1) One side says, yes, do it. It would be healing and we desperately miss each other.

One side says no, don't. (2) That this is just allowing her to have it both ways, spending time with me and living on her own. There is no incentive here for her to move back and start taking care of her family. The kids miss her.
 
Very torn on this.

(2) is a drama making - when we want to win more than we want to resolve. I encourage you to put resolve at the forefront - even if you leave your marriage.

(1) this longing is good, for both of you. Coming together with no desire to resolve will only bring temporary respite. Maybe I speak of the subtle difference between recycling (the same old problems) and restarting.

Restarting is about each of you looking within and saying I am willing to make real changes in myself to improve the partnership even offering some general ideas on that. I'd wait then to see what she says. If she doesn't try to follow your lead, I'd encourage taking some loving space for each of you to connect with our true desires.

Certainly a connecting meeting - maybe a coffee to share some of the good you have in the relationship (not labor over the pain and its resolutions) might be helpful.

There are a lot of possible interpretations of this approach, but the umbrella is about healing space and self reflection and looking for a new foundation for reconnection...

[Cole]

Are you planning on making contact with your attorney on Monday?     Or was this a heat of the moment reaction?

I was going to call him on a business related matter, anyways. I planned on at least talking to him about what it would take to start putting together a separation agreement. I do not see her ever being vindictive when mentally healthy, but I need to protect what I have worked so hard to build for my children if she chooses not to be a part of it.

She stopped by a little while ago to pick up our D12. She said she is afraid of me. When I asked what I did to make her afraid, she said I did nothing, she did it. She said it is because of the way she has treated me; that she would hate her if she was me.

She was crying and shaking the entire 30 minutes she was here. She has lost at least 20 lbs. and is down under 100 lbs. She is pale, sickly looking, and has a non-stop headache. She does not look like she has slept or ate in days. I am very worried about her.  

Restarting is about each of you looking within and saying I am willing to make real changes in myself to improve the partnership even offering some general ideas on that. I'd wait then to see what she says. If she doesn't try to follow your lead, I'd encourage taking some loving space for each of you to connect with our true desires.

Restarting is a lofty goal when she cannot separate past and present. It puts her into perpetual recycling of anything she is hurt over from the past. My T wants to teach me some techniques for breaking the cycle of rehashing old hurts. I am looking forward to learning how to help her do that.

[Notwendy]

If restarting is a goal, I think one has to consider each partner's willingness as well as ability to look inward. I think that ability is limited in pwBPD but BPD is a spectrum disorder and so this could vary.

[Cole]

If restarting is a goal, I think one has to consider each partner's willingness as well as ability to look inward. I think that ability is limited in pwBPD but BPD is a spectrum disorder and so this could vary.

Very valid point. To Skip's very astute observation, "winning" and "resolving" are not necessarily the same.

Right now, her version of solving our problems is for me to chase down every family member and friend,  reading the script she gives me and therefor proving my love for her. In standard B&W BPD thinking, there is no middle ground, no acceptable alternative. She has even said she moved out as a wake-up call to make me do this.

What she has found is I am willing to help her approach people who she says have hurt her feelings, but I will not do it for her. She needs to learn how to do this herself.

Unfortunately, her health is really suffering in the interim.            

[teapay]

Cole,

It sounds like your W is in a downward BPD spiral that I know too well.  She is the one that probably needs a reset before any reset can be done in the relationship.  Any chance you can get her  inpatient?   Does her T know what is going on?  Do you communicate with her T?  If not, you probably should whether either of them like it or not.  It is too easy on everyone’s part to let these kind of things fester and the T shouldn’t be ignorant of all the facts even if it makes their job easier to be ignorant.

If you do try to reset, pre or post inpatient, make a condition of reset and continued marriage your W entering a true DBT program (with group and individual treatment) and you having monthly input regarding progress.  I would also make real progress towards normality as another condition.  These conditions are good for you, your kids and family and your wife.  She is sick and needs to learn how to live.  If she doesn’t want it, and prefers the relationship to be based on active, clinical untreated mental illness, that is her choice.  Sadly, so many Dad Nons are unwilling to take the steps that so many healthy Dads take matter of factly towards problem people in their lives, loved or not, to protect themselves and their families.  Ultimately it seems okay with these Dads to have undx, untreated, severe mental illness running amok and unchecked under their noses in the family.  Spend some time on the Child of a Parent board and see what those folks say about their Parents, and particularly the Dads.

I also suggest you go through with initiating a legal separation and see what happens.  You can always withdrawal if your W resets and meets you other conditions, but it gives you protection and may provide you with leverage for resolving this in a way that is more advantageous to you and your kids however the cards fall.  This is winning, but in a practical common sense and it is not pejorative.  Dad Non’s are typically the losers at life unless they take interest in their own welfare.  No one else will.  They lose themselves, their kids, their finances, ect….  I would hope your case resolves in your wife resetting, then your marriage resetting on your conditions, and then your family as a hole.  But if not I hope is resolves in resetting you and your kids a life of higher quality.

There is a place for all the validation, empathy, care taking  and other goobly gook which can improve the quality of a relationship.  But this should take place in an environment where your boundaries and conditions of relationship are clearly and firmly understood.  This is the foundation that the relationship needs to be built on.  That has to come first.

You seem to comprehend these basic facts on an intellectual level, yet you also seem to be falling into confusion and uncertainty.  Are you talking in depth with other normal healthy people (non-Nons) off these board for additional perspective?

I’m a Dad, my wife has a BPD dx, we are still together.  I’m doing immensely better and so is my family once I systematically started confronting the BPD regarding of the outcome.  Once I didn’t care anymore, I grieved it, but that attitude finally freed me to do what I needed to do.  I hope my perspective is useful to you, albeit might differ from others, but if not let me know and I’ll drop off your threads.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cole, I'm glad to hear that you have declined to participate in this drama.  Agree, she has to learn to take care of her own issues, which are not yours to solve.  Unlike you, I jumped in with family and friends at my BPDxW's insistence, which proved a fool's errand because I ended up trying to justify my Ex's unreasonable and irrational fears, which needless to say was poorly received.

LuckyJim

[Cole]

Does her T know what is going on?  :)o you communicate with her T?  If not, you probably should whether either of them like it or not.  It is too easy on everyone’s part to let these kind of things fester and the T shouldn’t be ignorant of all the facts even if it makes their job easier to be ignorant.

I signed a release with my T to share information with her T. This is a backdoor way to ethically get information to her T without violating any HIPPA regulations. She and the psychiatrist are pushing W toward in patient or partial hospitalization care.

I hope my perspective is useful to you, albeit might differ from others, but if not let me know and I’ll drop off your threads.

No two pwBPD are the same. All perspectives are useful, as we have to pick through them all to see what may work best with our situation. Your input is certainly welcome, and I thank you for your point of view.

Hey Cole, I'm glad to hear that you have declined to participate in this drama.  Agree, she has to learn to take care of her own issues, which are not yours to solve.  Unlike you, I jumped in with family and friends at my BPDxW's insistence, which proved a fool's errand because I ended up trying to justify my Ex's unreasonable and irrational fears, which needless to say was poorly received.

LuckyJim

Yes, I started down that road and stopped pretty quick. You are right, it is counterproductive and just makes us an amplifier of the BPD craziness.