Need strategies to deal with youngest son

[gloveman]

     I am not new to this website, just new to Parents with BPD children.
    
      I posted many times on the discussion board about dealing with BPD parents and the few symptoms I developed from them. My username is gloveman.

This is something different. My wife and I have three sons. The two oldest are great. The youngest, 30 years old is the problem. He is non-communicative and is a trust fund baby. I don’t even know if he has a job. He doesn’t need one because of his trust fund.

He only communicates with us via email, and even then only to complain about how our accounting firm is doing his taxes.

I’ve talked to former roommates and they say he uses multiple illegal drugs.

I don’t have any idea where to start.

Please advise some possible first steps.

I agree that BPD runs in families.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi gloveman 

Welcome to the parents board   I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time, your son in non-communicative and can understand your concern he is taking drugs, many parents are your situation, you are not alone.  How long is it since you've seen him? Do you know the reason he is not communicating, has something happened?

WDx

[gloveman]

     It has been about 4 years since we saw him in person. The last words he spoke to us as he walked out the door was, "Bye you #$%^  scumbags.
     Why he is like that I can only guess that BPD might be hereditary because, minus the swear words, my dad was like that. Every conversation I ever had with him, he was nasty and abusive.
     Also, my wife, his mother, has serious health problems and many times was crabby and argumentative, but no name-calling or derogatory remarks.
     We, also, never visited him in college because my wife simply isn't healthy enough to sit for a 2 1\2 to 3-hour car ride. Maybe that is why he told us that we, "don't give a #$%^ about his life.
     I described him to close friends and relatives as a 12-year-old boy in a 30-year-old, 6'2" body.  I've been hoping that he would just outgrow his problems.
     He put himself in therapy about 4 years ago. We were very supportive. I don't know if he followed through with it or quit too soon for it to be effective.

[wendydarling]

Hi gloveman

Have you worked out what you wish to achieve? Do you feel ready to reach out to your son and see if he'll meet with you in person, one to one.

WDx

[gloveman]

     I am definitely ready to reach out to him. I just have no idea what the first step is. I have often thought of starting with something simple like, "I haven't seen your condo yet? Can I come by and see it?
     He has a new phone number that no one in the family knows, so we can only communicate via email or snail mail.

[wendydarling]

gloveman

Do you think meeting in a neutral public space maybe a starting point? You are looking to build bridges how about being open about that then he knows what to expect from you. Perhaps a stroll  followed by a coffee. How do you feel about that, this is a big step for you?

WDx

[gloveman]

I can sure give it a try.   Although I am doubtful. He will probably start in with “what do you want?” Or what for.

[wendydarling]

Hi gloveman

Yes, he will wonder 'what do you want?', you've not seen each other for 4 years, you are building bridges. As you said in your first post you 'don't have any idea where to start' and that is fine. Let's start now Think about what you personally want from your son, can you make a list, it does not have to be long. It's to help you kick off your thinking and your thoughts.

WDx

[gloveman]

 Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD / Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD / Re: Need strategies to deal with youngest son   on: November 27, 2017, 08:14:46 PM
I can sure give it a try.   Although I am doubtful. He will probably start in with “what do you want?” Or what for.

     The above post was from last year. My wife and I have had some serious health problems and using this site unfortunately become a lower priority.

     Our youngest son still refuses to communicate with us. I have sent him several emails about lets talk someplace neutral like a Starbucks. No reply. He simply refuses to reply.
     He doesn't ask for money. He isn't in trouble with the police.
     Any suggestions?

[Feeling Better]

Hi Gloveman,

I don’t know if I have any suggestions for you apart from keep trying to reach out and let him know that you love him and will always be there for him. My own son has been NC with me for two years now, it is hard I know when they just ignore all attempts at communication.

You say that you have two other sons, does your son maintain contact with either/both of them?