it's over

I always creeped boards on here, but I never thought I'd post one. Hopefully I chose the right subject... .

We broke up yesterday. A relationship of six years, newly married half a year ago. We were going to move in together when my lease was up.

Everything was perfect in the beginning. We started out best friends and eventually became more. We laughed, we protected each other, we stayed up until our eyes could no longer open. She was so loving and attentive. But somewhere, the love changed. It became intense. We became each others entire world. Absolutely nothing else mattered. We were each others life, or so she kept telling me.

I never expected it to die so fast. She'd drop off the face of the Earth, ignoring my worried calls and texts. She'd tell me I'm the problem for worrying, despite her being extremely suicidal. I started feeling guilty for worrying. She'd blame me for things that I never said or did. She told me recently that I apparently told her "You can't tell me your emotional problems, because that's abusive." I have never ever said that, I never would. But she insisted upon it.

She was quick to anger, punching holes in the wall, being so passive aggresive that we never got to talk about our problems (I wanted to). She'd suddenly disappear for over a month, THEN tell me what I did wrong. It was always something small that could have been fixed right away.

She disappeared again in July, leaving for around two and a half months after I confronted her about yelling at me in Starbucks. I was so confused, heartbroken and depressed. I couldn't help but start blaming myself. Maybe I deserved being so publicly snapped at, because I quietly suggested she hold her coupon still instead of moving it around the scanner.

She came back again, talked a bit then immedietely accused me of always neglecting her feelings and said that in fights, if she FEELS right then she should automatically be correct. But for some reason MY feelings don't matter... .My opinion doesn't matter. I always did my best to make sure her feelings were valid, but that wasn't enough. She needed to be right.

She was angry that I gave her money for her new medication, saying I lied about having no money. I told her over and over before even giving the money that I worked a $15/h job for a while and could afford to pay for her medication fully just this once (I work min wage right now). But she convieniently forgot that.

She was angry that I was upset about her getting Tinder and flirting with other people on there. Her reasoning was that since she was gone for months, she decided I didn't want to continue with her. We never even had a conversation like that. I would send her I love yous weekly, despite never getting anything in return. She would continuously tell me that she had no energy to talk to me or anyone anymore, but then turn around and do the exact opposite with everyone else except me. She's also told people she's flirted with that she loves them.

She said I always snap at her, but I've only done that once. She was already angry with me and after so many months, I was at a breaking point. I apologized for that over and over, because I hate being mad. I hate treating people badly. She somehow took that one time and turned it into a hundred.

She was angry that I suggested confrontation would help us with our relationship. She immedietely shot that down and said "How dare you. You clearly don't know me. You can never expect me to do that." and wanted to keep getting angry and keep disappearing for weeks/months because that's how she copes. I told her that ruins me. I worry, I get so confused and lonely. I have depression myself and it would make me very numb and on the edge. I said it's not healthy, but she didn't care. She said I can't expect her to change or try anything different, because that's wrong. But I have to change and cater to her, for some reason.

She said we changed too much to be together. She said I constantly hurt her and when I asked when I do that, she changed the subject. So I have no clue if I've ever done that or not. I know I'm not perfect and would work on my problems ASAP for her, but she wouldn't tell me what I do wrong.

She said our relationship is completely unfixable and she'd rather be alone and "at peace", despite all the flirting, partying and drinking she keeps doing. Last week she snapped at me for wanting to drink and said she suddenly hates drinking and smoking, but a few days ago she drank and smoke at a party.

I told her I wanted to keep trying, I wanted to try until we've exhausted each and every option available before ending our relationship. I knew BPD was changing her. I suggested DBT, couples therapy, taking things slower--But she said hates therapists and again, would rather disappear and pretend nothing happened when she comes back.

I gave her my soul. I have never loved someone so intensely and I'm not sure I ever will again. It was addictive during the good times. I stopped going out with friends. I would drop everything and leave work whenever she wanted to kill herself, but the times I wanted to die this year, she straight up said "You're going to do it anyways, so there's no point stopping you." But that would fade from my mind when she would tell me she lives for me. I thought that was right, so I began to believe I live for her. I was her entire world apparently, so I kept following her around like a dog, continuously waiting for that good feeling again. It always came back. I guess this time it didn't.

Everything was fine for five years, it was only this year that everything became so, so dark. I don't know how to handle this. I can't afford to see a therapist right now and my roommate/friend doesn't care at all. I feel like I lost a good chunk of myself to my ex and will never get it back or meet someone who loved me the way she did a year ago. Now, I keep crying. I feel like I can't breathe or function. I tried my absolute hardest and it wasn't enough. I was just tossed away like trash. I think the worst part is that she said she still wants me in her life forever, as a close friend. I can't bare to get rid of her and want to agree to that so bad. She also is suddenly talking to me like normal and when I said I need a few days to think, she said she loves me and will be here when I come back. Two things I haven't heard in a while. I'm also afraid if she ever asked to get back together, I would crawl back in a heartbeat... .

If you've made it through this long post, S.O.S... .



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