Dealing with an alcoholic narcistic BPD ex-husband

[EL79]

I am not sure if I am in the right place... .but, need some help and direction

Just need to talk to someone.  I am having a really hard time with him right now, and feel like I am sliding into the insanity I did such a good job of staying out of.  We have two children and they are not being well taken care of under his supervision and drinking is worsening.  No help with law enforcement, etc...

[Turkish]

Hello EL79,



How is your exH causing you pain? How are the kids on the mix? Is everyone safe? Look forward to hearing more and how best we can support you.   

Turkish

[EL79]

I have gotten a lot of help.  I am well read and educated on his behaviors and know to not engage.  Recently, I have had some good things happen in my life professionally and financially.  This is killing him.  His lack of taking care of our childrens basic needs, his lack of being present when they are with him and his drinking is worsening.  I am taking our two children on a vacation in a couple of weeks, which is something I have never been able to do and I think it is killing him, I wished I didn't even have to tell him that we were going.  Tonight we met up for our sons Tae Kwon Do and I smelled alcohol on his breath before he left with the kids.  I called 911, and followed up with the police later.  They were of no help.  I am a wreck.  It is almost hard to see my kiddos when they are under his care, but I certainly don't want them to think that I don't care about them, it is quite the opposite.  It rips my heart out of my chest to see them and know they aren't being taking care of and tonight I came home and cried harder than I have in a long time.  I feel so unbelievably helpless.

[Turkish]

What did the police not do?

The vacation sounds nice.  Do the kids pick up on any of his behaviors?

CPS might be an option,  but that's a bell that can't be unrung. I'd journal all of this in case you need it later.

The probable drunk driving is a concern. What else is there,  anything the kids say when they are home?

[Panda39]

Hi EL79,

I want to join Turkish and welcome you to the BPD Family.  

I'm on these boards because of my significant other's (SO) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) but I was also married to an alcoholic so I get where you are coming from in terms of your kids being under your ex's care.  When I was married I always felt like I was taking care of two kids my son and my husband!  So it's like having a large impaired child in charge of the children and it is scary.  What is your ex's typical behavior when drunk?  My ex would pick fights with me but did leave my son alone, and did drive drunk on his own (3 DUIs) but not with my son in the car, it was like he had his own personal code when it came to our son, unfortunately that did protect our son from the emotional fallout.  

You might want to start documenting the incidents like smelling of alcohol at Tae Kwon Do in a journal, or if he is acting impaired try to record him using your phone.  Start tracking this stuff in case you decide you need to go back to court.  

How old are your kids? You might consider talking with them about having a safety plan, what they should do if dad is drunk and wants them to get in the car with him for example.  Help them feel empowered to refuse, or to go to the neighbors house for help, or call you, or 911.

Hang in there, that vacation with your kids is on the horizon  

Panda39

[livednlearned]

You're in the right place 

My ex is also BPD/alcoholic.

It can rip your heart out, sending your kids to spend time with a parent who endangers them, whether it's through psychological/emotional abuse, neglect, or addiction.

What is your ex like when he's drunk? Do the kids talk to you about his behaviors?

Are your kids assertive? Mine wasn't at all, so I had to talk to him more skillfully than I was accustomed to, and friends here helped with that.

LnL