stepmoms do you experience that your DH is willing to give up everything?

[soundofmusicgirl]

This is for the stepmom /stepparents here. Do you experience that your DH/SO is willing to give up everything "just to get it over with"?
We have recently been to court (custody modification). They mostly settled on things outside of court. BPDxw is now trying to slide some things into the court order that were really never mentioned or agreed upon.
But DH is tired of fighting it and does not care about these little things.

Eg. In the past we have recorded a majority of DHs skype calls with his sons to document the crap that goes on (one party consent state). We have collected these recordings for evidence for hearings.
Now BPDxw has added to the draft that she wants that recordings of any conversations with the children are not allowed.

The kids are only 11. So there will be many more years to come with court hearings etc. We know for sure that next summer will be another hearing. The judge decided he wanted a psych eval done next summer after the kids visit with us to see wether summer visitation needs to be modified. I am sure that such recordings would be good to see for the psychologist that will do the eval.

But my DH does not want to fight for this. In fact he just "wants it done". I have observed this in the past... he just does not want to think or deal with anything related to BPDxw that he just agrees to whatever, so that he can avoid all conflict. It drives me bonkers.

[Panda39]

Ahhh, yes the case of the missing backbone.    It's like they get into that dysfunctional dance with the ex and revert to the poor coping skills they had during the marriage.  But to be fair the fighting is truly exhausting 

Can just the two of you, take a day or two off from the battle with the ex?  Maybe table this discussion and spend some time just relaxing and reconnecting (no kid or ex talk allowed!).  Take a break and come at it again when you are feeling a little bit more recharged?.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

How do you respond to him when he says he just wants to get it over with?

I've had to work through this over the past two years, and be open to anything that works. It can be a bit all over the place, depending on your relationship dynamic, is my guess.

There are some things you may, for your own mental health, decide to let go. And some things, you may not be ready for (letting go takes a lot of emotional strength!). It's good to have that stuff worked out firmly in your mind. If it's something you can let go, you have to figure out if you can go through the anguish of sticking to your boundary.

For example, if you feel sidelined over the custody stuff, and SO is not taking your input into consideration, then you may need to (for your own sake) explain that you can not participate in these discussions anymore because they make you feel xyz (sad, frustrated, angry, etc.) and that you need to take care of yourself so your cup stays full. You'll be a better partner to him, for example.

And then you have to be consistent -- if he brings up custody conversations, you may have to listen and nod your head, and validate how hard it is, and provide no input. Or tell him you need to hit pause, and while you wish you could help, it's too hard to witness and not have a voice.

I had to set a really hard boundary with my SO last summer that created conflict between us, and it took everything I had to follow through. And as unpleasant as it was, SO finally got it, after 4 years of negotiating over this particular boundary.

I told him my boundary ahead of time, when we were both calm and connected. I gave him a reminder when I saw the boundary infraction coming our way. I even encouraged him proactively to do something that would prevent the boundary from even being needed. Then, the boundary was breached and I stuck to my guns, without anger or pleading or negotiation. And because this was new behavior on my part, SO reacted strongly. I had to let him go through that without comforting him, and experience the unpleasantness of the boundary. Then magically, after a day or so, he began to proactively honor that boundary (he's a quick learner  ).

If there is a better way to do this, I haven't found it yet.

Someone has to take care of you, may as well be you 

[soundofmusicgirl]

thanks for all the input. yes, the fighting is exhausting. We do take breaks and focus on ourselves. I think my biggest pet peeve is what you said Panda39 about the unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Another thing that drives me bonkers is, that DH was in the military for many years. So he is rule follower to the extreme. He is also a people pleaser. He constantly tells me how frustrated he is that he feels between wanting to make his BPDxw happy and me happy he just cannot win. I told him many times that he does not have to make anyone happy. He has to find out what makes him happy and what are the things he can live with.

This weeks phone calls with his kids happened while BPDxw was in the grocery store with them (it was the time that BPDxw had told DH to call) and his skype call this week happened while the kids and BPDxw were in the car driving somewhere (neither parent is supposed to listen in to any conversations).
So she cleary gives a rats ass where and how my DH gets to talk to the kids. He in turn will completely bend backwards and change our entire days plan when the kids are with us and it is their turn to call their mom, so as the keep exactly to the letter of the court order. He frequently tells me that he is scared he will get in trouble with the judge. Even our lawyer told him that he needs to learn to just not follow the court order to the tiniest letter, because clearly there are some thing the court will never be able to change or influence.

[Panda39]

He constantly tells me how frustrated he is that he feels between wanting to make his BPDxw happy and me happy he just cannot win.

This is sad because it shouldn't be about him, or you, or the ex his focus IMO should be on his children and doing what feels is right for them.

This weeks phone calls with his kids happened while BPDxw was in the grocery store with them (it was the time that BPDxw had told DH to call) and his skype call this week happened while the kids and BPDxw were in the car driving somewhere (neither parent is supposed to listen in to any conversations).
So she cleary gives a rats ass where and how my DH gets to talk to the kids. He in turn will completely bend backwards and change our entire days plan when the kids are with us and it is their turn to call their mom, so as the keep exactly to the letter of the court order. He frequently tells me that he is scared he will get in trouble with the judge. Even our lawyer told him that he needs to learn to just not follow the court order to the tiniest letter, because clearly there are some thing the court will never be able to change or influence.

I can hear your anger and frustration here... .believe me I get it you remind me of me!  And yes I was angry with all of them, the ex, the kids, and my SO.  They were a hot mess and I knew how to fix them and they wouldn't listen to me!  I've learned a lot of lessons on these boards but the two that really stuck with me are... .

"Focus on the kids not on the ex" and "you can't control other people" the only people we can truly control are ourselves.

For what it's worth I agree with you I would want the Skype recordings to be admissible too, but you've given your point of view that's what you can do and you did.  This is understandably causing you a lot of aggravation you are trying to protect your husband and his kids but for your own sanity it might be time to back yourself out of the conflict... .what I would say to myself... ."I'm getting really worked up and it's time to take myself out of it".  Then once out of it I would do my best to let it go and let the chips fall where they may. 

Hang in there,
Panda39