quick clarification question

[mousemat]

Am working my way through the articles on the site, and making a 'to-do' list of ideas.  Came across a statement I'm unsure of:

Talk to the Person's Inner-Child:  When we visualize our child as their vulnerable inner-child we can lower and lessen our defenses, that will then allow us to want to preserve the relationship and communicate in an effective way.

Can someone help me with what that means?  I don't understand "when we visualize our child as their vulnerable inner-child".

Thank you!

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[Lakebreeze]

I'm wondering if there is a typo in that statement. I'm thinking it should say "visualize our BPD as their vulnerable inner child."
Anyway, if you picture the last time your BPD snapped or raged etc. And try in your mind to picture your BPD as a small child who is throwing a temper tantrum because they don't have the maturity to handle the situation any other way.
Thinking through how you would respond to a toddler who is loosing it is the same way we want to handle our BPDs. The toddler in the grocery store who is screaming for a candy bar gets empathy and validation (awww I wish I could have one too! They DO look really good) but you still set boundaries ( No, we can't buy them today). That's way over simplified but I hope it helps.

[Frankee]

I agree.  I have an 18 month old.  He's very persistent and he's starting to throw temper tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants.  He'll start screaming, ball his fists, close his eyes, and just scream.  Sometimes throw himself on the ground and refuses to let me comfort him.  He's too young and doesn't understand no or why he's not getting what he wants and frustrated because he doesn't know how to communicate what he needs.  My SO is like that.  He shuts his eyes (not literally) but he closes himself off to reasoning.  When his emotions peak, he can't see or understand anything expect what he's feeling.  Feeling rejected, denied, hurt, angry, whatever it may be.  I use to argue and try to fight and use reasoning.  It wasn't until I did research and finding his old juvenile hospital records that he has severe symptoms of BPD.  I know with my toddler, yelling, screaming, arguing, getting mad get me no where fast.  So I try to understand my SO when he gets in his rages or emotional swings.  I know handling the situation is like handling a tantrum with my toddler.  They both lack the maturity to handle the situation as Lakebreeze said.

[Radcliff]

I read it as a typo the same way Lakebreeze and Frankee did.  I believe the original text quoted is from the original post on this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.0

I'm pretty sure it's a typo, or at least is confusingly narrowed to children.  I've reported it as a typo, so if staff agrees, it can be fixed.

One thing I want to add is that while it is intuitively obvious that a child is vulnerable, it can be pretty tough to wrap our heads around the fact that someone who we may find quite threatening at times (at the very least in an emotional way) is very vulnerable.  Once we get to a place of understanding, we can see that the drama represents coping mechanisms for this vulnerability.  But it is still tough, especially when we are stressed or upset or we feel particularly threatened by our pwBPD's behavior.  At times, though, even in the heat of the moment, when I've been able to muster the mindfulness to remember my wife's vulnerability, it has helped me to respond more calmly and take the situation much less personally.

Wentworth

[Frankee]

Very true.  It still is a big difference between a small child throwing a temper tantrum that I can just pick up and a 6'2" full grown man doing the same thing.  Definitely more intimidating on the latter end.  I agree that it's better to remain calm and aware of what's behind the raging or threatening behavior.  I find that I have to muster up the courage to show him I'm not scared of him.  He says some pretty cruel things sometimes which honestly make me want to cry and run away.  It's hard to stand up to the verbal attacks when they really know what to say to cut you just right.  Especially if you have been with them awhile and they know your dark secrets and your past mistakes.

[Radcliff]

It's hard to stand up to the verbal attacks when they really know what to say to cut you just right.  Especially if you have been with them awhile and they know your dark secrets and your past mistakes.

So true, Frankee.

I thought of another difference between adult BPD tantrums and children's tantrums.  When our kids were small, after I'd gotten some experience, I knew I could outlast any of their tantrums.  Every horrible tantrum ended up with them falling asleep eventually.  Knowing this helped me to have calm confidence.  But not only is the physical situation with adult BPDs different, the time scale is, too.  While our kids would fall asleep in half an hour the BPD "tantrum" in our house lasts 2-3 days!

[Frankee]

So true, Frankee.

I thought of another difference between adult BPD tantrums and children's tantrums.  When our kids were small, after I'd gotten some experience, I knew I could outlast any of their tantrums.  Every horrible tantrum ended up with them falling asleep eventually.  Knowing this helped me to have calm confidence.  But not only is the physical situation with adult BPDs different, the time scale is, too.  While our kids would fall asleep in half an hour the BPD "tantrum" in our house lasts 2-3 days!

I completely feel you on that.  My peace of mind with the children is I know the screaming and crying will wear them out and they usually do crash pretty fast.  I know even after I have a good cry that I feel exhausted.  My pwBPD use to be really bad like that couple years ago when things were really down for him.  He would rage for 2-3 days, but not sleep.  So he was dealing with the emotional turmoil as well as the sleep deprivation.  I would send the oldest one to his grandparents until the storm passed.  It would get really bad to where he would lock down the house and refuse to leave.  From that point to now, he has gotten so much better.  He's still an angry individual and I can sense he's battling the urge to just starting roaring a lot of the times. 

With the tantrums, are you usually able to diffuse them somehow or does your pwBPD just lets it burn out of their system?  I find with mine that sometimes letting him get it out of his system works and sometimes he wants me to talk it out, comfort, reassure, validate, or something of that nature.  It's never a cut and dry answer.

[Radcliff]

With the tantrums, are you usually able to diffuse them somehow or does your pwBPD just lets it burn out of their system?  I find with mine that sometimes letting him get it out of his system works and sometimes he wants me to talk it out, comfort, reassure, validate, or something of that nature.  It's never a cut and dry answer.

I have not found a way to be skillful enough with techniques to shorten a dysregulation cycle once it occurs.  It's amazing, it's about 2.5 days, like clockwork.  At the end of the cycle a few times, I've gone to work thinking she's going to file for divorce that day, and I'll come home to dinner on the table!  I have found the skills we learn here to sometimes enable me to avoid a dysregulation cycle, though, or at least calm down minor storms before they get out of hand.  Once we get blown into the sky, though, we pretty much just have to follow that arc, flying through the air, and the skills can help make the landing softer but not shortcut things.

Wentworth

[Skip]

I'm pretty sure it's a typo, or at least is confusingly narrowed to children.  I've reported it as a typo, so if staff agrees, it can be fixed.

That thread originally appeared on the Parenting board - in that context (adult) child is accurate. Replacing child with pwBPD is more universal for the community.

And try in your mind to picture your BPD as a small child who is throwing a temper tantrum because they don't have the maturity to handle the situation any other way.

Several of you guess this as the meaning, but the point is not this at all.

The idea is to see the innocent and good child in another person. The little girl that was afraid of the dark, liked to help mom cook, loved her puppy. This child is inside the most trying person and it helps us to see this part of others when we are trying to center ourselves.

[mousemat]

The idea is to see the innocent and good child in another person.

I can run with that.  Thanks for the many replies.

[Lakebreeze]

Wow! Thanks Skip for clarifying. That has a very different meaning than I was taking on it!

[Radcliff]

Thanks, Skip.  We did get a little sidetracked on the tantrum riff, which I think is a valid but separate topic -- thanks for recentering us on the main idea.

Wentworth

[Frankee]

I agree.  Little sidetracked from topic.  That is a nice meaning.  I'll remember that.