Mother has BPD and Bipolar Depression - Should her therapist tell her?

[Shetookflight]

My mother is in her 60's, married unhappily to my father. The family psychologist who has been seeing my parents on and off for the past 4-5 years told me (31) about a year ago that my mother has Borderline Personality disorder and Bipolar Depression. This fits exactly... .oh how it fits. The psychologist has not told my mother of her diagnosis, and instead, my dad and I must jump around acting like her outbursts are justified... .normal... .and then the psychologist does damage control by trying to validate my mother's feelings and give her a listening ear. Is it normal for psychologists to not tell a parent when they have either of these conditions? She told me these two conditions together never end well. Meanwhile, my dad is being continually manipulated and abused, and I am being abused. I feel the psychologist is doing both of us a disservice by not telling her. Is she trying to maintain connection by not telling her and thus staying in an amicable position to protect my dad? Or should I look for a different psychologist? I'm trying to get out of here asap, within a year, as, I'm stuck living with them until I can recover from serious illness. My dad won't help me financially to move out and the abuse is intolerable. The psychologist knows all of this, yet the help seems lacking. Or are situations like this helpless? My dad has aspbergers to make matters worse for what my mom deals with with her BPD, and he has now developed severe rapidly progressing Parkinsons. I worry when I leave that my dad will be abused mentally beyond anything we have seen before, because he will be the only target left. Both refuse to divorce the other, and my dad is a major pushover, often believing her painting of me as a horrible person who is making her suffer... .when I don't wash a disk immediately, when my laundry is in progress, when I don't leap to change the channel for her... .you know how it is. Sorry this is long and thank you to anyone who read it or can offer advice!

[Turkish]

There's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion.  

Given how you describe your mother,  is it probable that she might,  upon the Dx, turn 180 and change? She might likely quit going to therapy out of anger and rage.  My health provider won't officially Dx BPD, but rather refer a patient to DBT. That therapy can help,  but it also takes a willing patient to embrace a healing path.  

I take it that the abuse is verbal and mental, otherwise the Psych would report it,  yes?

Unfortunately,  it sounds like you are trapped in that home for a while.  It would be good to go through the lessons at the top of the board to get a handle on communication tools which can help reduce conflict with a person with BPD.

Lessons for Coping and Thriving When A Family Member Has BPD

I know it's a lot of material,  but maybe you can identify the most significant behavior causing you pain and we can work with that. 

Turkish

[maddy2013]

i don't know a whole lot about doctors, but many people with bipolar disorder are helped greatly by meds, and i don't think a psychologist can give them, can they? is she taking anything to help? i thought bd was caused by brain chemistry, and until that is corrected, it can't get better, right?  the psychologist is great for talking about trauma, experiences, etc., but your mom and your father both need a good neurogist or phyciatrist who can help with the physical problems. i assume that since your dad has been diagnosed that he is seeing a specialist. maybe you can explain the situation to his dr. who can then recommend something or someone who can help you. please let us know how it goes. best of luck!

[Turkish]

One issue is that BPD may be co-morbid with other issues,  like depression and bi-polar, which can be helped by mood stabilizers. They kind of helped my mother,  but BPD is a personality disorder, which can't be helped by medication. My ex's (officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety) therapist had been trying for years to prescribe a mood stabilizer, but my ex refused (and the rest of us suffered). I kind of sympathize.  When they first put my mom on Prozac in 1989, she became worse before she got better.  I think that therapist hadn't figured out BPD. My mom went through seven therapists before she found one that she trusted. 

If only there were the quick cure Star Trek hypo-spray, but there isn't.  A patient needs to be willing,  just as we as members here also need to be willing to embrace healing.  Reaching out to others is the first best step though 

T