This one takes the grand prize...

[40days_in_desert]

Not anything that I need advice over but had to post this as I can't share things like this with many people. Very short back story is that my ex and I have been apart for two years, she had been communicating with an ex-boyfriend off and on for at least the last six years that we were together and she left in August 2015 then started dating him as soon as she moved back to our home state. I didn't find out about the contact with him while we were together until a couple of years before she left when I saw that he was a friend on FB. She's still with him to this day even though she tells me that she's going to leave him during each recycle attempt but never does. Not that it would matter.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I had to drop something off at her house for one of our daughters and was hoping to just leave it and go. She was deep into a third recycle attempt and like the last, I was not interested. She caught me before I could leave by coming outside and telling me, among other things, that I had given her permission to talk to her ex-boyfriend while we were together. I couldn't make that up if I tried. I told her that I don't see it working between us again. That effectively ended recycle attempt number three.

[heartandwhole]

Hi 40days,

it sounds like you have detached from this relationship. Good going!

We are all operating in our own reality to some degree, as we view the world through personal lenses of beliefs and experiences. In my experience with someone with BPD, his memory about mutual experiences could be totally different from mine. It's part of the coping mechanism, in my view. Seeing things as they were would bring on too much shame and/or guilt, which is very painful. So it's better to "remember" things in a way that justifies the behavior.

I think letting her know that you don't see things working out was a good response. I had a similar situation (through email) and responded like you did. He didn't like it, but it was effective.

How are you feeling these days?

heartandwhole