New suit of armour

[Mistomaple]

It's been 2 years in counting since I split with my ExBPD gf. Even after working through my own therapy with a professional, the scars of being a "punching bag" have never really faded from my subconscious. I've noticed this in my relationships since then. It's like a put on a suit of armour from my deep feelings and thus felt myself become a more self centred person. I don't open myself up as much as I did before and can come across sometimes as cold or uncaring. Sometimes when my partner and I have been arguing, it's like a get little PTSD flashbacks that penetrate this new shell and I get angry and defensive. I don't like what I've been turned into. It's like I'm afraid to let someone that close to me again for the fear of getting damaged once more.

I guess jumping onto the defence and anger is subconsciously better than backing down and being trampled emotionally. Though my mind and heart knows it's wrong.

[Hisaccount]

I think I know exactly what you are saying.

Got into a relationship recently with a wonderful woman but I could not just let myself go and be happy. I was afraid of something that wasn't there or something I haven't found yet.

Fast forward, her daughter has some bad personality traits and yes that has totally triggered PTSD here. It made me become hypersensitive again like instantly. Longing to just be left alone again.
Luckily my GF is very understanding and allows me to just walk away when needed.

I don't get angry or defensive but I shut down and I am miserable. I can't hide it.

[Mistomaple]

Yes. I know exactly where you are coming from. In my most recent relationship, whenever I got "triggered" I would just shut down and try and go be on my own. Problem with this is that my partner would then follow me and wouldn't let up until we "resolved things". I just think she didn't understand no matter how I tried to explain it. So the more she would push, the more rage would build up inside me until it became a full blown screaming match.

Also anytime she had a legit problem or something that was bothering her, I would mostly disregard it and want nothing to do with it. I didn't even want to listen to the things on her mind or what was bothering her. My head was just filled with reminders of me spending endless hours listening to my ExBPD's "problems" which I could do nothing to fix back then. It was like I'd given up being a fixer or rock to anyone because I spent so much time being more a parent than a partner to my Ex. It's shameful and not what I wanted to be to my current partner at all, cause I felt like I'm subconsciously painting her with the same brush.

[Hisaccount]

I find myself being triggered just the same.

It is impossible for someone to even begin to understand what we went through unless they have been through it.

During a recent discussion with my GF we were laying in bed and I jumped up. Told her I spent so many hours of my life staring at the ceiling listening to my ex complain, validating, trying to calm and diffuse that I cannot do it anymore.

I don't listen either.

My current situation is complicated, but then I guess most of them are.
I have been spending so much time lately wondering with I should break it off or keep pushing on.

Part of my personality is eternally hopeful for change and working towards better days ahead. I am trying to learn if that is what I am doing, if they will get better.

I think my biggest fear is somehow becoming who I was. Just waking up one day and not realizing that I am trapped in another relationship where I am miserable all the time.
No matter how hard we try it can happen. There is so much talk about boundaries and I have them, but at somepoint they all get tested and mine are being tested.
To make a relationship work some boundaries have to go. It is not fair to either of you if you cannot give the relationship everything.
But when is it too much. When have we given too much?

Right now, I need more time alone and taking care of me. If she is willing to accept that, then we can stay together otherwise we will have to part ways.

What do you need? Do you even know yet?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I can relate. After my divorce, I felt I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was so used to the drama and conflict from my prior marriage that I was just waiting for it to happen again any time now.  I think this is normal for what we've all been through.

I also think it's normal to put up armor/walls and still get triggered some time after.  I still get triggered at times (diagnosed with PTSD from abuse) and it's been 2-3 years since I started my therapy and about a year since the divorce was finalized. I try to not beat myself up about it. Sometimes my kids will say or do something and it triggers me and I get angry/depressed and I leave the room. It can take me a while to realize I was triggered and to work through it to figure out why.

Mistomaple, when you described how your partner would follow you until you "resolved things", that sounds just like my ex. I begged him to leave me alone but he wouldn't and it did not end well. Have you tried talking with her about it? That you need some time alone?

I do not think what you did is shameful. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like a trigger for you. I know sometimes I get triggered when my BF says or does something that reminds me of my ex. When I realize I'm triggered, I try to work through it so I can talk to my BF about it and how we can work through it together. It's not easy but I try.

When I get triggered, my therapist told me to try to figure out what I'm thinking, feeling, believing in that moment and how old I feel when it happens, what it reminds me of. This helps us to try to pinpoint the source(s) of the triggers. Does any of this work for you guys?

[Mistomaple]

I understand completely about the testing of boundaries. How you fear of regressing back to how you were before.

There is two sides of my suit of armour. One the one hand as I explained, it's made me "tougher" and more self reliant. I look out for #1 more and don't let opinions sway me. On the other hand I've become more ignorant, stubborn, angry, less open. Sometimes I find myself alone thinking if some of this BPD has rubbed off on me and I've become more of what I hated. I see traits of my ExBPD in myself now. Like part of me has slowly become them.

What I need and what I currently have is time alone. You see my current partner and I split up recently on good terms. We wanted it that way before things got too toxic and dragged through the mud. So now I have time and I'm using it to reflect and try to become more open emotionally. Currently my partner and I still remain friends and are open to the possibility of getting together again once things are better.

[Mistomaple]

Hi Fire. Yes, I did talk to my partner about this and she is very respectful of my needs even if she doesn't fully understand. She did eventually start to give me time to come around and it did help a lot. But there was still occasions where she would yell at me and follow me into other rooms when I wanted space.

The big thing for me and the things that killed my current relationship was secrecy and lying. This is something I do feel great guilt for and I have no idea why I do it instead of just being honest. I have thought about this and traced this back to my Ex too. My whole relationship was spent lying and keeping things quiet to please her and not set her off.

It was a selfish thing of me that I'd rather lie and keep stuff to myself than get into an argument and get triggered. You think you're doing yourself and partner a service and it will keep the peace, but ultimately it just destroys everything. So I do feel fully responsible for my relationship crashing.

Like I said. Currently I'm alone and can reflect and better myself. I'm done with lying and secrets. It didn't serve me with my ExBPD and it certainly isn't helping now. It's just trying to break whatever is in your subconscious that defaults to it.

[once removed]

I guess jumping onto the defence and anger is subconsciously better than backing down and being trampled emotionally. Though my mind and heart knows it's wrong.

i dont know that it is "better" in terms of finding a healthy long term relationship. if we have our "walls" up, we are emotionally unavailable to give and receive love, build trust, intimacy, bond, the stuff of healthy relationships. a healthy, emotionally grounded individual will sense and see this, and look elsewhere. a less grounded person might be drawn to it, and before you know it, you have a relationship with one partner with an avoidant attachment style, and the other with an insecure/fearful attachment style, and a whole lot of push pull going on.

Currently I'm alone and can reflect and better myself.

apart from posting here and getting feedback (good move) what steps are you taking?

[Mistomaple]

Well the first step was reflection and coming to terms with the fact that I go to these places emotionally and facing that fact. Practicing mindfulness and working on my present emotions and using it to ground myself whenever I feel the wall going up again. Apart from that I'm not too sure.