Hurt

[Joyseeker]

Hi everyone,
I am feeling really confused and unhappy at the moment. I have had to take a break from my partner who has BPD and in order to do so i had to send him to stay with his family interstate. He was recently diagnosed with BPD after previously having been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ptsd. We are both very codependent and im really hurting to have to let him go. It's been a horrible 3 weeks since he came home from the emergency department after threatening suicide if we break up, he was moody, agitated and aggressive and i had to shut myself down in order to cope. The thing i am struggling with most though is anger, he told me that he had organised a taxi to leave but a limosine service arrived to pick him up and i was horrified. We are quite poor and without so much as a thank you or a bunch of flowers for having tended to his every need, it was a slap in the face. I'm worried that he will return to cheating and manipulating behavior now that i am not around. It is really unhealthy because i can't trust him after what he's done to me in the past but i love him and don't want to lose him. I'm really lost, can people with BPD really be trusted?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello Joyseeker, I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  It sounds like you are suffering from losing having him close to you, but are also worried about the future.

There is a lot to learn about BPD, and you can learn coping tools to make things better.  It doesn't sound like it's been very long since the diagnosis.  Perhaps you could look at this as an opportunity to learn about BPD and study some coping strategies during a relatively calm period?

Trust can be an issue in BPD relationships, as it can be in any relationship.  It's impossible to generalize about all people with BPD.  Though there are many common themes, each person and each relationship is different.

Have you had a chance to do any reading on BPD yet?  What resources have you used?  Where there any things that you've read that were particularly helpful in understanding what is going on?

Wentworth

[smart_storm26]

Hello Joyseeker,

Sad to hear about what you are going through. But know this you have every right to be hurt. Regarding what your BPD partner did (a limosine service arrived to pick him up) I would like to throw some light. BPs ride on dangerous volatile emotions and decide to act based on such emotions (their biggest flaw). In doing so, their actions look reckless and inappropriate to a sane person like you. And if you love that person in question, it hurts deeply.

So the question is 'Will he never realize how this action of his was so inappropriate and hurtful after all you have done for him?'. The answer is, after he has come down from his volatile and dangerous emotional state, HE WILL REALIZE and he will be deeply ashamed of it. Be sure of it.

The best thing you can do now for him is to NOT RESPOND at all to his actions and try to deal with your own inner pain. Engage in 'Self-healing'. If you feel you are very hurt and it is justified to cut off all contact with him for sometime, block him for sometime for his actions etc, DO IT. 'How long?' The answer is 'As long as you need to feel better'. The time will eventually come when after being left alone, he will come to his senses and realize what he has been doing. Wait for that time to come. Sometimes we do it wrong by trying to shield or protect our BP partner who is engaging himself/herself in destructive behaviors. If you keep saving them, they don't learn. Sometimes you have to let them stumble, fall on their face. Sometimes that is exactly what they need (not what they want)