Last night something different happened. A good sign maybe

[smart_storm26]

Hello everyone, last night me and my BPD wife, we almost got into a fight but eventually ended up having a positive discussion, respecting each other's opinions. Both of us got what the other person is trying to convey.

What started as a disagreement between us on a family matter (I was simply stating my opinion on the subject) was quickly transforming into a heated verbal battle and she was going like 'See you don't understand these things. How can you say that... .You are wrong... .etc'.

I responded that 'See we may disagree on something... .but let us respect each other's opinions and not fight over it'. My message to her was like I still will stick to my opinion but I respect hers which is different from mine.

She was going like 'Its not about opinion... .you are wrong... .etc etc'

At this point in time, I was sure it was going to end in a fight as I am someone who will not give up on my stand if I know I am not wrong and I have every right to express my opinions.

In such situations in the past, we have always ended up fighting. Basically she loses her cool and cant accept my disagreement to her views and then it would all go downhill with emotional dysregulation followed by shouting, abusing, bringing up stuff that happened in the past etc.

But something different happened.

She came to the bedroom sat with me and tired her best to listen to what I am trying to say or express. I did my best to explain her my viewpoint and my opinions. And once she listened to me, I was able to explain my view point all the while respecting hers and she saw that I am also right from my point-of-view. We both agreed and accepted what each of us is saying. None of us were wrong. We were just coming from different perspectives.

I became so happy that we didnt end up fighting. I appreciated her for listening to me and told  her 'You did great. I am proud of you. We almost ended up fighting but we didn't! Thanks for understanding'

She also responded in a understanding way 'You know most of our fights are because of miscommunication between us. And what we want, we never get it from fighting'.

I really feel hopeful after yesterday. Having read about BPD, I understand its not easy for her to control her emotional impulses but I saw a clear effort from her yesterday and I appreciated her for it.

Actually after one of our last fights a week back, I had taken a stand and told her bluntly that such unhealthy fights, verbal abuse, insults, wrong accusations, I want them out of our relationship. If these things are repeated, I have every right to express my feelings and take whatever action is necessary to make myself feel better or isolate myself from such negativity and this is the only way I can maintain the relationship with her.

So maybe she is making efforts from her side? What do you guys think?

Also she has agreed to therapy and medical help but she wants a job first and wants to be able to help financially as she doesn't have one now. I have agreed to that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Those insightful moments with them create so much hope. It's nice when they happen. What did you do differently in this conversation than you usually do?

I hope that this can become a permanent way for you both to handle conflict but just be aware that may not be the case. I'm not trying to rain on your parade because celebrate when you can! And keep doing whatever seemed to work.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations!  As TH said, you may not always have such success, but if you both can do it once you can do it again!  It sounds like she made a big effort on her side to behave differently.  Give her lots of validation and appreciation for that!

Wentworth

[smart_storm26]

Hello Tattered Heart and Wentworth,

Thank you for your comments and encouragement. You are correct. When our BP partner acts in an understanding way towards us, it gives so much hope.

Actually I did not do anything different this time. I was almost certain that we would end up fighting. I think rather than anything different I did, she decided to act differently this time.

Since then I have appreciated her for it and encouraged her.

[Radcliff]

Excellent!  Good work!  Best wishes for continued success, and if things get bumpy, keep at it.

Wentworth

[Chosen]

Wow, this is great!  I can see you BOTH worked at making the conversation a healthy one!