She got the better version?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All!
   Today I'm feeling a little down. Please bare with me. I have my days although they are very far and few as time passes.

I know I was a trigger for my ex. I know we were not a good fit. Still, when I think of some of the worst parts of my relationship it's hard not to be upset when I hear I pretty much suffered the brunt of her worst.

Recently a friend told me my ex went out east to scatter the ashes of her GF's good friend. They were gone a week with a huge group of people including her GF's ex  and my ex was comforting people, telling warm stories about the deceased and just being a gem overall. Hearing this took me back to when my father landed in the hospital and she dumped me because I wasn't paying her enough attention, or when my best friend cut me out cold when she found out I was gay and I was sad over it (a 20yr friendship) and she left me telling me I wasn't gay and "a lot of work". Every vacation more than a day for me dumped and she ran back to exes for a few weeks.
She's now been living with this woman a year and they've flown all over the country, on multiple trips.

I grew up with good influences and was raised to "do unto others".  I always treat others with respect even if we don't share the same views.

It hurt that I did absolutely nothing wrong other than visit my dad in the hospital (he lives 30 min away) and I was punished for that. I was punished for being a loving daughter. I ended up writing off my poor family to keep this person that treated me badly. I made a bad decision there I regret. In the end I hurt my family that was more important than this sick union.

I wish people would not tell me about my ex. I really don't need to hear how happy and in love she is. I almost lost my job because she painted me as a sociopath to her sister who I work with, who is still on edge with me to this day. Everyday I go to work wondering when the other shoe will drop. 

I know I cannot go back and fix anything I have done and said, to be honest I don't want to. Still it's hard somedays knowing or at least perceiving that this girlfriend is getting this amazing, supportive person and I got the ___ty, crappy one that really wreaked havoc on my life.

How does one stop thinking about these things when they had such a profound effect on your life?

[Hisaccount]

Very sorry to hear you are having a hard day.

I had to tell my Son to stop telling me about what she was doing on facebook, his speculating and bringing her up all the time. He hated her, so maybe that was a good thing for my support system.

I remember telling my ex that I wished she would treat me like a stranger. Because it seemed they got all the good and I got all the bad.
Reality was it is just an act that she was putting on for them, but why could she never put that act on for me?

Certainly is hard to let go. Just have to keep trying to replace the bad with good in our lives and hopefully the good will overflow and chase off the bad?

[Torched]

Your treatment sounds identical to mine, down to the sick family part/vacation parts.  I know how bad that must have felt and the incredible stress it must have caused you.

Listen to me when I say this:

When your exBPDperson was with you, do you think anyone knew what she was doing to you?  Nope.  And you likely protected her from people knowing.  A good example is how you alienated your family.  I did the same thing, and it was to both prevent me having to experience her wrath (which it still failed to do) and to protect my family from the stress and embarassment of the relationship.  And I was embarassed.  Getting re-victimized after the behavior by having to make excuses for my avoidance sucked.  I'm sure you can empathize.

She still behaved smashingly around other people.  She is a High Functioning, intelligent person.

I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that things aren't exactly copasetic behind closed doors with new girlfriend.  Quit worrying about it and be kind to yourself.

[happendtome]

PrettyWoman, have you thought about the possibility that she may see what you are writing here? If someone has BPD, then that someone may easily google about BPD. It doesnt take long time to get this forums. I ended up here. It went something like this - narcissist - gettinbetter - shrink4men - BPDforum. And less than 2 years ago i didnt even know what borderline means.

What im trying to say, if there is a possibility that she knows who is behind your name then she has a upper hand. And she wont do anything to reach out to you for example. Im not saying that is the case, but it could be.

I have thought about that my ex could find this site. She has the reasons. First, she surely must see that she is having problems. But secondly, her new husband is full BPD/NPD. She has to live in real disneyland if she doesnt pay any attention at all to these problems. That may be the case too, but it could be also the other way.

My ex is totally gone. I have no idea what she is thinking, is she happy, does she think about me at all. It hurts. Many ways. Its painful and im tired that im still struggling, after 1,5 years. Day after day im more convinced that this scar is now forever. And each day were getting more strangers to each other. Soon it would be hard to find even simple topic for simple talk. That space is now reserved for others.

[once removed]

PrettyWoman, have you thought about the possibility that she may see what you are writing here?

happenedtome, we have over a hundred thousand members here with millions of anonymous and overlapping posts. ive been here for a few years now, and this simply doesnt happen. even if she did google BPD and found this site, she would have to wade through thousands of posts, determine that Pretty Woman is her ex, and furthermore, to follow her posts, she would have to be a registered member with posts under belt.

this is an anonymous site, and members here are safe

How does one stop thinking about these things when they had such a profound effect on your life?

dumping someone in the middle of supporting their father who is in the hospital is really callous and hurtful. theres not a lot of incentive to forgive or forget, which is always easier to do when someone is remorseful. im not much of a grudge holder, but i have, at various levels, hung onto hurt with people who have done even less to me.

ordinarily, i would tell you that yes, it is possible that her and her new partner are more compatible and a better fit, and they may be.

in this case, id also remind you that its been one year and realistically, you dont know much about their relationship other than some word of mouth.

it sounds to me like primarily you are struggling over feelings of injustice. those were big for me too. i remember at about a year out, the pain was essentially gone, but those nagging feelings of injustice remained. it wasnt even that i wanted to see her fail, it was more a fantasy of confronting her with the fact that i knew a lot more than she had led on at the time.

i cant offer you a specific cure for feelings of injustice, but there are lots of approaches to working through them and letting them go. for me, a lot of it was creative writing. i said my piece and my truth, and there was something very special about the pen to paper approach that made it real for me, and gave me a sense of accomplishment, resolve, and closure, in achieving it. i also prayed and engaged in spiritual exercises. im not sure if youre religious, but i dont think one needs to be religious to have humility with regard to the fact that we as individuals are not arbiters of justice. and then again, examining my role in the relationship tempered my feelings of injustice as i saw that we were a dysfunctional relationship and both hurt each other significantly.

i worked toward that 30000 foot narrative that i could live with and proved true. not the one that involved BPD. not the one that blamed either of us for the failings of the relationship. the one that said:

"we both did our best to make it work. at the end of the day, we couldnt accept things about each other. we loved hard, and we fought hard, and we hurt each other a lot in the process. neither of us had the emotional maturity or real willingness to turn things around. i hope, and i suspect, that we both learned a lot from it, and that the experience will lead us both to greater things in the future. i wish her well, and i wish me well, too."

i sense that youre not fully there yet PW, but youre working to get there. keep going.

[SummerStorm]

Hi PW,

I definitely have felt (and continue to feel) the same things you're feeling.  Even when my ex-friend was calling me her "best friend" and idealizing me and telling her mother how amazing I was and that she thought there was more than just friendship between us, she would cancel plans she made with me, and we rarely spent time together outside of work. Just over two years ago, when I was painted black the first time, she got a new job and became friends with one of her co-workers.  To this day, they are best friends.   When we were still friends on social media, she would post about hanging out with this friend (and other friends), going to the beach, going bowling, seeing movies, etc.  She could never remember my birthday, but she went all out for their birthdays, spending the whole day with them, buying them meals, posting about them on Facebook, etc.

As once_removed noted, there is definitely a nagging feeling of injustice.  I work my butt off and have a Masters degree, but because I live alone and also own a house, most of my money goes towards my mortgage, bills, and groceries.  I haven't had a vacation in years.  Meanwhile, my ex-friend has gone to visit her parents twice this year, all expenses paid.  She went to NYC with her mom back in June and didn't have to pay for the hotel or the tickets to the show they saw on Broadway.  It's like she's constantly being rewarded for her bad behavior.  

While I certainly don't think that she's magically cured and that she's never done anything to make these other friends mad, it does seem like they are getting the better version of her, and that's both hurtful and frustrating.

At the end of the day, just remember that other people may overlook her behaviors or easily excuse them, and so it's possible she hasn't had a reason to really devalue those people yet.  And maybe she's behaving herself right now but will have a downward spiral weeks or months from now.  My ex-friend goes through periods of time where she mostly holds it all together, but under the surface, there's a lot of turmoil, and it eventually overtakes everything else.

[vanx]

I just wanted to validate the hurt feelings of perceiving your ex is doing well. Obviously it's not like we want out exes to NOT be doing well, but I think part of it is the issues a lot of us nons face leave us not moving on as well, and continuing to feel hurt by the end of our dreams we had.
If I can share to relate, I saw my ex yesterday and we shared a quick "how are you?". She kind of went on emphatically about how great things are right now, and I still feel awful about it, because I myself am not in a very good place. I wish I could stop thinking about things too.
I think the good news is you will move past it in time. We are both still in the thick of it, but you will heal. Posting your thoughts here is part of healing. To echo once removed, I think writing can be a powerful too. At any rate, I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[apocalypsenow]

Dear Pretty Woman,

Just wanted to chime in with the rest of the others and say that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way about worrying that the new girlfriend is being treated better.

I've gone through a few rounds of recycles with my ex, and only the first one was physical, but the subsequent ones moved along at slower paces, only to end when I found out that she was still involved with the person she had started an affair with just before we ended.  Two years later, that woman is still all over her instagram and she's got new fans who clamor to hang out with her.  Even though I don't know what is really going on with them, it hurts to think they've been around longer than me, and are still in her life, when I made so much effort to be close to her, to know what she was going through and to deal with her issues to make it work with us.  It crushes me to think that now she could be with someone and be that wonderful person that people only see in the Instagrams and other social media. 

And like Summer Storm, I'm also working my a** off and barely have time and money, because I put it all into my work to pay the rent and bills.  My ex comes from money, makes a lot at her job, and all of her friends and this other woman have money, for traveling, golf, sports clubs, etc.  When we were together, I never felt like I could compete with those people, because I couldn't provide for her like this other woman could.  I was just a working class loner who never fit into that world.  And although she was originally attracted to that about me, eventually, she would complain that I couldn't afford all these things and to be able to buy her expensive presents all the time (even though she would throw out all the gifts I did give her, whenever she broke up with me).  It kills me to think of this other woman providing what I could not, and that my ex would be more stable with her because she has money and I don't.

However!  It is so true what others like Torched and once removed said - they put on a face while in public to others, and nobody else really knows what is going on behind the curtain.  It was certainly true in my case.  She would be the star of the parties, everyone would fall in love with her, and then we'd go home and she'd rage out or dump me.  On my birthday, and Thanksgiving, and Xmas, if I brought up my ex, if she felt bad that day.  One time when we'd gotten back together and I'd found out that she was a secret sports gambler, she laughingly admitted that she would break up with me a lot during baseball season because she just wanted to listen to the game and didn't want to deal with me.   Anyhow, only a handful of my closest friends knew what was really going on.  Everyone else thought she was amazing, she was always meeting new people who wanted to be her friend or date her.  Because that's the face she puts out.

I guarantee that is the case with your ex and this new person.  And as once removed said, it's only been a year.  Unless she has gotten herself into DBT or done some magical conversion, she has not improved after a lifetime of behaving this way.  She and the new person might be more "compatible", but Summer Storm encapsulated it perfectly :

At the end of the day, just remember that other people may overlook her behaviors or easily excuse them, and so it's possible she hasn't had a reason to really devalue those people yet.  And maybe she's behaving herself right now but will have a downward spiral weeks or months from now.  My ex-friend goes through periods of time where she mostly holds it all together, but under the surface, there's a lot of turmoil, and it eventually overtakes everything else.

Just keep focusing on yourself and taking it day by day.  You are doing great, even though you have bad days.  Your ex will likely continue on this same pattern, even though it may seem from the outside that she is not.  That facade is not real.  You know that, and you will be okay.

best wishes,
apocalypsenow

[SummerStorm]

And honestly, it could also be that these new people enable your ex's bad behaviors because they display the same behaviors.  My ex-friend has a close friend who would sometimes change her FB profile pic 10 times a day, looking for attention.  One day, her husband would be unfriended; the next day, she was saying they were so happy.  That type of behavior only serves to validate my ex-friend's similar behaviors.  If other people are doing it, it must be okay, right?  Her other friends have no ambition and are content working at a convenience store for the rest of their lives.  They go out and get drunk, smoke pot, etc.  They swear all the time and make childish jokes.  Basically, they act like teenagers.  And for her, that's a lot easier than acting like an adult.  And also, because these friends have no real responsibilities in life, they are always available when she calls them on a whim and asks to hang out.  I, on the other hand, am not always available at the drop of a hat.

I told her earlier this year that I wasn't sure why she wanted to be friends with me, since I don't party, don't call her names like "whore" and "b____h" (she and her friends love to call each other these names), and don't go to casinos.  She replied, "They're just my work friends.  I wouldn't want you to act like that."  And I think that revealed a lot, actually.  By telling herself that they are just "work friends," she avoids interacting with them on a more intimate, mature level.  It's likely that they know nothing about her suicide attempts, her BPD diagnosis, or the horrible things she's said to me and to her parents.  And all of the other bad behaviors are behaviors that they also display, so they easily overlook them. 

It takes a lot for anyone to change, BPD or not, when he or she has people enabling bad behaviors.  My first year of teaching, I had a terrible student.  But his dad was the president of the school board, and his mom was a psycho who would send long, rambling emails to teachers, telling them that they are horrible people who should be fired.  So, his mom would threaten, and his dad would protect him.  Then, he managed to get a ridiculously long and involved 504 Plan that basically allowed him to do anything, including handing in assignments whenever he felt like it.  All of this enabled his behaviors.  If a pwBPD has people who enable bad behaviors, they won't want to change, either.

[once removed]

It is so true what others like Torched and once removed said - they put on a face while in public to others, and nobody else really knows what is going on behind the curtain.

my point wasnt so much that anyone is putting on a face, that the relationship is a facade, or that Pretty Woman's ex has not improved. we arent in a position to know that. Pretty Woman can tell herself those things all day long, but every time she hears something about the relationship, she will doubt it, and it will hurt. we dont get past our hurt by saying "it isnt real". we get past it by facing it.

the point is really to let go of those feelings, or the idea that our exs new relationships, their success or failure, has any bearing on us.

i think Pretty Woman is trying to do that, but hearing these things triggered painful memories of being emotionally abandoned by her ex, which is understandable.

my advice might seem counterintuitive, and it is two fold: first i would try to work toward forgiveness of the emotional abandonment. this is not easy to do, because as i said, its much easier to forgive someone who demonstrates remorse. and intellectually, you may already forgive her, and the next part is more about letting it go.

when you hear these things (im not encouraging you to hear these things. i would shut that down) try to begin to switch gears to actively wishing her well. it will take conscious effort and practice. theres not a lot of incentive to wish someone well when not only did they hurt us, but when they have been out of our lives for some time.

i was in a similar position. my ex had dropped out of college and wasnt going anywhere. i encouraged her as she made strides to get back into college and work toward her dream job, being a teacher. she often thanked me for being so supportive. the last thing i wanted to hear after we broke up was about her success. and, in fact, when she got into a new relationship, she bailed on her progress entirely. eventually she got her act together and got another shot at it, and she did it. shes living the dream and reaping the rewards. today, shes taking it a step further and going to grad school.

thats pretty cool. shes living the potential i saw in her, and then some. it doesnt take any energy from me to simply acknowledge that, and say "good for her". thats what Freedom (the final stage of Detachment) feels like.

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful and insightful replies.

Once Removed, before I read your last post ironically I decided I beech to forgive her. They say Hate is just as strong as Love and the best place to be is indifferent. I hate her some days because she painted me as a monster. People are actually scared of me. I'm angry at myself that I dated this person knowing her sister who works with me did not support it. Somedays I think I hurt my chances atva promotion because of this and I'm very mad.

In the pictures I've seen if of ex she looks very happy. Her girlfriend looks very happy. So going strictly off pictures both are happy and I'm not.

What's wrong with that picture?

I need to forgive. It's hard when her sister is still trying to get me fired three years later. When she dumped me she told me we were best friends and she would always be there.

When I declined friendship (not caring to be triangulated) All gloves were off.

I know she is not a healthy person. I don't need a BPD diagnosis to tell me that. I think I just need to get past all the stuff people have tried to do to me and realize they can't do anything if I just keep on keeping on because really, that's all I can do.

[once removed]

They say Hate is just as strong as Love and the best place to be is indifferent

i think not only have you tried to be indifferent, but that its not really a place you get to by trying.

how do you feel today about other past exes? indifferent? loving/warm? hate?

no wrong answer.

[Sunfl0wer]

n the pictures I've seen if of ex she looks very happy. Her girlfriend looks very happy. So going strictly off pictures both are happy and I'm not.

What's wrong with that picture?

I read somewhere once: Never compare others Outsides, to your Insides

That stuck with me.

[Pretty Woman]

Once Removed,
      I like the exes I know of. All of them have gone through similar with my ex, false restraining orders, rape accusations. Some choose to stay in her rotation and maintain a virtual friendship with her (Facebook). I was angry at the ex she left me for... .and then left her for me. This ex came to visit once. I thought they were friends, I had no idea she was there to "assess the situation" and rescue her from her hellish GF (me).

Now I feel differently because rationally I know this woman was being bamboozled. She thought she was saving my ex. Getting back together with her was a "reunion fantasy" for my ex and this woman left a partner of 5yrs to reunite with her, thinking things had changed, only to be crushed.

There have been several exes in this same situation. She has a very distinct pattern. 

In a way I feel privileged she wants nothing to do with me. Perhaps her fear will keep her at bay. I have seen the destruction she's done to others and I would never put myself in that position again... .still it's hard knowing someone views you as a criminal a predator, when you are not.

[once removed]

i meant your exes . how do you feel about them?

[Pretty Woman]

I get along with all my "adult life" exes. Two are married and one of them, their wife works for me and we house sit for each other . There is no hostility whatsoever. In fact we all wish each other the best and get along as friends.

Yes, after the breakups we needed space but it was "" normal. I was the dumpee in both scenerios.