Stuck in a doomed marriage & feeling anxious

[Leonachick]

Hi all, I am excited to have finally taken the step to sign up here and feel very blessed that there is somewhere to turn, because I feel very alone in my situation with nobody around me really fully knowing the extent of how sad I feel. I have been with my husband for 20 years and although it's never been diagnosed or recognized by him, it's crystal clear from reading all the relevant books on BPD (walking on eggshells etc.) that he's a high functioning BPD with paranoid and obsessive characteristics. He goes through spells of good times where everything is normal and he's the nicest person to be around, then spells of being angry, irritated, and generally behaving as if I am his number one enemy, bringing things up from 20 years ago and twisting the truth so that I am painted out to be a bad person. The various moods can change by the minute, hour, day or week. I think that is the worst feeling of all - living with this unpredictability, and living with someone that often acts as if he hates me, and blames me for everything. When he's going through his bad spells, he speaks to me in a harsh, unfriendly tone the vast majority of the time, if he even speaks to me. I am living like this in my own home and apart from grieving and feeling bitter (horrible word but there it is) that this is how my life turned out, it is making me very anxious. Up until now I have worked incredibly hard on keeping the marriage and the relationship going for the sake of our two children, since their well fare is my number one priority in life. I have tried and tried again, I have convinced myself to enjoy the good times and ride out the bad times, and for periods of time, this has worked. Reading all the books and working through the walking on eggshells work book helps immensely. But lately it feels as if I just can't cope with the ever changing environment I live in. Apart from my own personal feelings suffering, it is our intimacy that suffers the most, I simply don't seem to be able to bring myself to go near him lately, and of course, this triggers very strong feelings in him of abandonment and jealousy (of past relationships, even though it's over 20 years ago) which manifests itself in more anger towards me, and I withdraw. Such, the never ending BPD dance continues. He's also having very shaky relationship with our son, who is 13. My son defends me and harbors very angry feelings towards his dad, at the same time as he loves him dearly - he's clearly very torn. I have talked to my son very openly about BPD, although I don't use the term itself. I have stressed that it's not him going crazy, it really is this confusing, and I have shared - again without coming straight out and talking about BPD - many coping mechanisms with him, so on the whole, he's doing ok. We have a very strong relationship and talk all the time. My daughter is still too young to understand although she does of course hear the arguments between my husband and my son, and she clearly knows something is wrong. The problem is, I am absolutely certain that leaving him would make things a million times worse and I feel very strongly about this. Leaving is not an option. I guess I am looking for the magic answer and I am fully aware that there is none, but just knowing other people are out there who know how this feels, makes it a little easier. Reading through this post, I realise I am not mentioning anything about how hard it is for him. Although I can't relate to the feelings, I understand, I really do, how awful it must be to have BPD and to realise something is wrong but not being sure what it is. I don't mean to sound all about me me me but at the same time, in my daily life I feel that it's never about me. It's all about keeping him happy, because then we're all happy (ish). Thank you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Liebe]

Hi There
Your situation sounds like mine but I'm on 30 years now and my children are grown up and I'm just figured out that my husband has BPD as well. I was going to leave him 10 years ago but my children were so upset i even said the word divorce so i stuck it out for another 10 years but now since they have grown into adults they support me in the decision to leave. My husband does not want any help and still blames me for everything. As you said the intimacy goes away as well i cannot be intimate with my husband anymore I'm actually afraid of him now and never know when he will go into a rage. Im looking to get some counselling soon just have to make that first step not an easy one since i have anxiety as well .
I hope everything will work out for you ... .take care

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome

So glad you found us. I'm sorry you've had a difficult time in your relationship. You've found a great resource to begin learning new ways to responding to your pwBPD. We have a lot of workshops and lessons on the right side of the page. These will help you begin to learn more about your relationship. One thing we say around here is that you can't start making things better until you stop making them worse. Our reactions to our pwBPD often exasperate the situation, making them angrier and angrier. They of course are responsible for their own behavior, but we are also responsible for ours. And our way of handling things hasn't been working.

To get you started here is a link to one of our workshops on the Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship .

I just wanted to touch on one other thing and please know that I am not judging in any way. I can't imagine how hard it has been for your son to see the things going on in your home. He is looking for ways of his own to cope and he is doing that by being your protector. He is having to choose between you and his dad. I'm worried about the long term effects this could have on his emotions and his future romantic relationships. It seems like this dynamic is creating something called a Karmpman Drama Triangle that sets you up as the victim, your son up as protector, and your H up as the persecutor. It sounds like you talk quite openly with your son which is great. Now that you are reaching out for help and getting your hands on some new tools, maybe it's time to ask him to allow you to begin handling issues with your H so that he can spend time just being a kid. You might be able to share some of hte information you learn with him so that he can begin finding a voice that can help improve his relationship with his father.

[Perseverant]

Hi, and welcome, fellow newbie. I relate to absolutely everything you say in your post, with the exception of the reactions of your children. Our two are still quite young, but I fear for how they are being affected now and how I will address it in the future.

I also am committed to staying... .despite many times wishing it could be easier to leave. We've been married 19 years. H is undiagnosed and denies any abnormality (it's actually all *my* fault, dontcha know), and, like you, I practice avoidance rather than intimacy. It's a lonely life.

But, perhaps we are here for the same reasons: find ways to cope, find ways to improve our outlook, and find some empathetic company along the way. I've only been here a few days myself, but I can say already that you are among friends.

[startrekuser]

I'm in a similar boat as the rest of you.  Married to my wife for 17 years.   When she's in one of her "moods", she is frightening and then will give me the silent treatment.  Then she'll expect me to make her feel better because it's my fault that she's upset at me.  Get it?  What I do wrong is keep my distance from her when it would be much better if I reached out to her in a loving way.  It's hard as anything to do this when she has just ripped me apart with abuse and has accused me of all sorts of things.  Our only child (daughter) is 16 and my goal right now is to make it until she graduates high school.  I may extend my goal to when she gets married.  It's a very tough life I'm living.  This website is very helpful.

[Leonachick]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your replies. I cannot say how much it's lifted my spirit today when I logged in and read these. As you are all saying, we're not alone and that in itself helps a huge great deal. Thank you Startrekuser, Perseverant, Tattered Heart and Liebe. Also, thank you Tattered Heart for your honest advise about my son. I think you are spot on, although I've never been able to articulate this the way you did. It is a big wake up call for me. I now feel I know what the next step needs to be, and that is to allow him, as you put it so well, to be a child and let me worry about the rest. I got myself in to this relationship, I chose to marry my husband, have children - even though the signs were there from the beginning, even if ever so subtle back then, so I just didn't get what was wrong and chose to ignore it - and now I have to stay strong and get through this. Startrekuser, I can definitely relate to what you are saying about making it through until the children reach certain milestones, and that it's so tough to have to feel that way. But I do now feel very motivated to keep moving forward. I wish all of you the best of luck in your own relationships and I hope we can keep on sharing experiences and tools. I'll get straight on reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle and I'll also get started on the workshops, and I'll share anything I find useful. Thanks again.

[Leonachick]

Tattered Heart: I have just finished reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle. You mentioned I could share some of this information with my son. There's clearly a lot for me to digest and work through before I can start thinking about how to approach it with him but I would appreciate your advise on something - do you think I could actually share the whole article with him, if I print it out? He's extremely emotionally intelligent so I have no doubt he will grasp it, but I don't want to burden him too much. So is it perhaps better to talk around the concept in my own words, rather than showing him the article? I am very mindful of not causing him any more anxiety over this than he already feels. But I actually think my husband would be open to read it too, because even though he doesn't think anything in his approach is wrong, he's acutely aware the relationship between us is not working (he's even used the word "toxic" a few times). So it would be awesome if we could all sit down and read it together but as I said, I really don't want to cause my son any more harm than already done. I appreciate if you cannot give this type of advice but thought I'd ask. Thanks again for your support.

[Tattered Heart]

Yes, there's a lot of information in the workshops. Don't feel pressured to have to master all of it at once. It's not a race to the finish. The problems in our relationship have been there for a long time and it will take a long time to fix it. I always suggest finding one workshop that resonates with you, work on it for awhile, then add in another. Before you know it, you'll be using these skills and it's become second nature to you. It's a new healthy habit.

I'm going to ask some of the other parents to chime in on this. I'm not a parent so I'm not quite sure how someone your son's age would understand the article. When it comes to that stuff, I always say that to each parent they can determine what would be best for their kids. Anyone with teenagers have any thoughts?

As for sharing this information with your H, I would advise against it. When I first found this site I tried to talk to my H about some of the articles and workshops (without telling him about this site) and it did not go well. He began telling me that I was treating him like a project. He saw it as me calling him a bad guy who needed fixed. He knows he has problems but he also hates it when I try to control how he handles those issues. I know many others on this site have had similar experiences.

I've found that my H responds very well to me just using the tools and removing myself from the conflict. He doesn't even notice the changes most of the time. I never mention any of it to him--ever. What he does notice though is that we aren't fighting as often. He also is having to look at himself more now that I am not a part of the conflict.

[Leonachick]

Thank you Tattered Heart, that is such useful advice. You are right, I have noticed in the past if I've tried to bring up some theory or another that he does tend to go to "who are you to talk about this, I will listen to the experts but you are not Sigmund Freud". No, Sigmund I am not, I just live with you 24/7 and put up with all the challenges (I want to say a really bad word but will refrain) you throw my way, and yet I am still here AND I am trying to educate myself on how to move forward... .! Ok so I'll keep reading up on all of this and will see if any parents respond, and won't make any decisions just yet. But I did already try moving to the centre of the triangle yesterday and it worked :-)! It really did. So I feel very positive. Thank you so much for your help!