Mom in the process of moving out

[LittleBlueTruck]

My mom is in the process of moving out - some of her things are being shipped out today, so I really think it is happening.  But I am just really struggling right now.  Something about the fact that freedom is right around the corner is making me totally unable to cope the way I used to be able to her BPD / more NPD behavior.

She is using pretty much every interaction as an opportunity to pepper me with insults.  She is making really  inappropriate guilt inducing comments to my 2 year old.  It is getting to me so much more than usual. I have been falling behind at work because I sit down to work after an interaction with her and I'm just completely in a dissociation fog.  I'm seeing an okay therapist, not great.  I need to find a new one but it is just one more overwhelming thing to deal with right now.

I guess I just need to say it out loud in a safe and validating place. I'm struggling.  I feel terrible all the time.  I can't stand her but I still feel strong urges to protect her and feel the guilt and shame of kicking her out and doing what is best for my family (logically, I know it is inappropriate shame). I'm scared of what the future holds when she inevitably burns bridges with the next sibling whose house she is moving to now. I'm disappointed because I think things could have gone so much better if she could just BE NICE.  I am analyzing all the ways I probably made the situation worse. 

Mostly, I am desperate to breathe the sigh of relief that will come when we shut the door after she finally leaves and my husband and kids and I just get to be ourselves and live without fear of constant criticism and judgment and accusations.  I cannot believe how much we have adapted to her dysfunction and have tip toed around and made so many unreasonable accommodations and how our needs and wants are always at the bottom of the pile because NOTHING is worth setting her off.

It is just so unhealthy. So toxic.  And so hard to explain to other people.  I occasionally share individual stories with friends but I feel isolated in the sense that it is very hard to explain the entire thing to someone to really give them a flavor for the full menu of harm that she is always serving. 

Gah.  Just a vent.

[GaGrl]

Have her watch the episode of "Blackish" that aired last night, where Rainbow has post-partum depression, finally goes off on her mother-in-law and kicks her (MIL) out.

[LittleBlueTruck]

That sounds therapeutic... .maybe I'll watch that episode over and over ... .and over and over again.

[Panda39]

I had to live with my ex a year while our house meandered it's way through a short sale process during the housing bubble.  I used to say to myself that it was a lesson in patience.

Hang in there this is your lesson in patience, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there.

Panda39

[LittleBlueTruck]

Thank you, Panda! you are right. It feels like this is an eternity but I know t isn't.