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Author Topic: How to be a step-mom of daughter with BPD  (Read 394 times)
SimplyBeing

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« on: October 11, 2017, 10:07:18 PM »

Our marriage is still pretty new... just three years and it feels like I'm grasping at straws for myself on what to do.  His daughter (my step daughter) is recently diagnosed with BPD and I don't know where to put myself, in our marriage or in her life.  I've kept distance trying to let her call the shots and always felt we had a good relationship.  I've always sent appreciation and been the friend, keeping my thoughts only to my husband.  I've suspected she was BPD for awhile as she had incessant lying since childhood and often sought to manipulate relationships then.  Grandmom also is significantly enmeshed in daughter's life and has no boundaries - making overall drama worse.  I choose not to get involved, but living alone (some times physically as well as emotionally just to keep the peace) is not a great marriage.  I want to learn how to help lovingly and not do drama.  I want healthy boundaries without being too distant and I'd love to see if this marriage can work without doubt.

Thank you for any and all ideas and support.
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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2017, 07:22:55 AM »

Hi SimplyBeing,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

My first two thoughts to your post was "boundaries" and "validation".  It sounds like you have created some boundaries which is good, you need to take care of you in order to be able to help your SD.  It's like being on an airplane and the flight attendant tells you to put your oxygen mask on before you help anyone else... .because clearly you can't help anyone if you're passed out.

Links to more on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0


Validation is for your SD, this isn't about validating bad behavior, it is about validating her feelings.  For people with BPD feelings often equal facts.  We have tools like SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) that can be helpful when communicating with your SD.

Links to more on SET... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

More on validation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0

I'm really glad you've decided to jump in and post clearly you care about your SD and want to do your best with your relationship with her.  I would encourage you to share this site with your husband (if he's interested), my SO is also a member here and it really helped us be on the same page and speak the same language.

Take Care, 
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2017, 08:26:14 AM »

Hi SimplyBeing,

I'm in the same place you are. My SO and I have been together 5 years, living together the last 1.5 years. His middle daughter (20) is bipolar/BPD and she has lived with us for the last two summers, and spends holidays here. She's enmeshed with her mom, who also has BPD traits (they sleep together )

What is one of the behaviors that is most aggravating to you?

Being a step parent does complicate things. What is your husband's relationship with your stepdaughter like? How old is she? Does she live with you full time?

The first summer I lived with D20 (18 at the time), I thought my relationship with SO was never going to make it. It took a lot of patience and some difficult conversations, plus a lot of boundaries and validation, like Panda39 mentions.

The skills taught here and in books about loving someone with BPD are basically good relationship skills, and can be applied to the relationship you have with yourself, and the one you have with your husband. It's not easy, but it can get better.

LnL
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Breathe.
SimplyBeing

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2017, 09:50:05 AM »

Thank you to those who responded, since my post, I have begun exploring the situation more with my own therapist. The progress thus far is that we are determined to make time for our relationship, despite the situations with my step daughter.

Recently, our greatest challenge has been to have her remain in school.  She is 16 (nearly 17) and has a long history (since middle school) of finding excuses to miss school.  We have met with the school counselors and school administration repeatedly and she has also attended Partial Hospitalization Programs and has multiple mood stabilizers - but the school avoidance continues.

The hard part is that she really knows how to manipulate her grandmother (who she prefers to live with - probably because no boundaries are placed on her there).  She lies about nearly everything which makes it difficult to discern the truth, and grandmother doesn't hold her accountable whether in or out of school.  Her mom is limitedly involved and has many BPD traits herself, so not a support system at all for my husband.

Together, my husband and I (as well as school administration) do not know how to get his daughter back in school and to stay in school.

Has anyone tried issuing ultimatums with their BPD children?  Will an ultimatum push her to act out (as has happened before), claiming to be suicidal, returning to PHP and the cycle begins again?  We have discussed the GED process and making her get a job to begin financially supporting herself, however again we are afraid that an ultimatum may not solve the problem based on past behaviors.   What does one do in this situation is a complete mystery and heart wrenching frustration point for both my husband and I. 

We don't know if she is actually even able to get a job in this job market without a completed education.  Then what happens if she refuses?

I'm so unsure not only where to intervene as a step mom but genuinely hurt for her because I can see how difficult her future will be if these behaviors continue.  My husband cannot support her financially into adulthood and we also want her to learn to make right choices for her own well being.

I appreciate any ideas from people who have been through similar with their own children.

Thank you!
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2017, 04:08:40 PM »

Hi SimplyBeing. There's a video on validation by Dr. Fruzetti that gives a lot of food for thought, particularly a story about parents of a child with BPD are coming to mind. You may find the information in the video helpful.

www.https://bpdfamily.org/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

I think that providing a lot of validation is generally helpful to someone suffering from BPD. The other thing that I heard from parents in a NAMI class that I attended was, as you remarked on, communicating clear, consistent boundaries. I don't think a boundary should take the form of an ultimatum or a punishment. There's some good information on boundaries here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries and https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm.

Can you and your h define the values that are central to you around SD16 attending/following through with school? Get as close as you can to what your core value is that you are trying to communicate, because it will help you maintain clarity when you not only communicate but ultimately defend the boundary for that value. You mentioned several things that are different values and will send different messages if you don't sort them out: telling the truth, being responsible for her actions, acting out, avoiding something difficult. I am suggesting that you work on distilling your message down until it's clear to you each time it comes up. That's the best hope that it can be clear to her as it comes up. Then, for me, the hard part was being consistent in the enforcement of my boundary. If we are inconsistent, the person with BPD will assume you don't mean what you are saying. For your SD16, feelings=facts, so if she has the sense that maybe the boundary isn't serious, she will simply ignore it and be surprised that you are upset by that. And expect her to resist and act out when you begin to enforce the boundary. She may take it to crisis. Be consistent and clear. Continue to validate.

I hope any of this is helpful. Let us know how you are doing and folks here can definitely help on setting boundaries that are meaningful.
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