How to stop behaving like I'm living with my mum?

[acciaccatura]

My mum is the person in my life who I believe has BPD traits. She does not have a diagnosis.

When I lived at home, the overriding rule for the household was ":)o not grow up." When I got married she tried to persuade me that I wanted to stay living at home with her and only visit my husband at weekends. I resisted and went to live with my husband. Early in our marriage we lived close to my parents (45 mins - 1 hour by car). At that time I thought that I would stop repeating relationship patterns when we were further away. Now that we are 3 - 4 hours away, and I no longer have a job, I am actually worse at repeating those patterns, and the fact that I'm repeating those patterns is more obvious. The repeated patterns are mostly manifested in not getting any housework done at all. It's common for me to be washing up two plates in an evening just so we can eat. This appears less dysfunctional when you have a full time job and a long commute.

I first realised that some of my mums odder ways of behaving, reacting and twisting information look like BPD traits while expecting our daughter. I've felt anxious about this ever since, but for months I told myself that the anxiety would automatically decrease once we'd announced the pregnancy to my mum, then that it would automatically decrease once I'd had the baby and introduced her to my mum, but I don't think it's going to decrease on its own now.

The one grown up thing I do is look after our baby daughter. The problem with this is that it makes my husband, who works full time to support us, feel like I'm deliberately meeting all of her needs and none of his. In a practical sense this is completely true, but it isn't something that I feel like I'm choosing to do.

Trying to talk to my husband about this makes me feel more alone, because his perspective is so different to mine. He thinks the solution to this mess is to have my mum visit us more often and do the housework, which is still what she insists on doing when she visits. He doesn't seem to see that having her visit drives up my anxiety, and that might be because her behaviour is more consistent in front of him than it is in front of me. He doesn't see the way she behaves as anything other than a reaction to the traumas she has experienced in her life.

I've never tried to talk to my brother about it because he has been left with a completely different set of manifestations of repeated patterns, and I don't believe he sees anything odd in her behaviour.

Could there be something in my idea that anxiety is part of the engine driving the repeated patterns? How do I move from logically knowing that the time to do housework is in the mornings when our baby is quietest to actually doing it?

[Notwendy]

While I agree that we can have our own issues from being raised by a BPD mother, I also believe that we have some "normal" or typical reactions to life situations, but we may not feel they are normal or know what normal is. We also don't have the kind of support systems others may have if they have mothers who do not have BPD.

You are a new mom! Congratulations! When my babies were little- the house was a mess, and it felt like I spent all my time taking care of a newborn. Newborns are demanding- and that is normal! They are completely helpless and need to be fed, cleaned, cared for constantly. When they are resting, we may be tired, or want sometime to ourselves. Constantly cleaning and caring for someone else without some time to recharge can be exhausting.

Is it your background with your mother or just postpartum tiredness ( and hormones change too)? Probably a little of both. I'm not a great housekeeper either but I focused on the children too.

I can understand your husband's suggestion to have your mother help- because that is what many new mothers do- call their mothers to help- but they don't have mothers with BPD. I am also more stressed when my mother is around and it was stressful to have her visit when I had a new baby.

A solution is to get some help- but not from your mother. I don't know if you can afford household help or what resources there are nearby. There may be a student nearby ( high school, college) who wants to earn some extra money by helping you out a bit at home.

Please don't feel guilty being at home while your husband is at work. It is his child too! Someone needs to care for the baby and if you hired someone, that person would be earning money for that job. Just because it doesn't bring you a paycheck does not mean it is valuable work for all of you. Your husband has peace of mind at work that the baby is in the best of care- you!

[Notwendy]

What your husband is feeling is normal too. Before the baby- you were more available to him. The baby changes things. Having some time with him is also important. If possible - could you get a babysitter so the two of you could have a date night? On the other hand, he too needs to realize that things have changed for both of you. There is a newborn who needs you.

This is not always an easy transition, but becoming parents is a new phase of life and a wonderful one.

Having a mother with BPD did not influence my parenting as much as it did my relationships. I have had to work on issues with co-dependency. One result of becoming a mother was that it took the focus off my husband, which IMHO, was too much caretaking in the first place. If you have done this too, there may be an adjustment for your husband. One of my issues was that I took care of everybody else but I also needed to take care of myself. New mothers need rest and some time to themselves to recharge.

My solution was to hire some students to help sometime so I could get a break. Some teen age girls in the neighborhood loved to come play with the baby so I could get some things done in the house and earn some babysitting money too. Think of some creative ways you can get some help.

[acciaccatura]

Thank you for your reply.

I wouldn't say that me caring too much for my husband was ever an issue. When we both had full time jobs I had the worse commute, and the non-existent life skills, so he looked after me a great deal more than I ever looked after him.

I've been put in touch with a charity called homestart. I get to more-or-less choose what my volunteer does to help me, so I'm hoping she'll teach me life skills rather than do things I might reasonably do for myself. First up is learning how to take the pram on a bus.
This isn't going to directly do anything to the ironing pile, or washing-up mountain, but it is something that my husband has been assuming is impossible, and my mum would react to knowing I want to be able to do that by driving the 3-4 hours here, and making a car journey of the few miles, and insisting that I need her to react like that, and it would become her pretext for visiting every week. But if I know I can do it myself, that's one less pretext to be used to visit, so that makes me feel less anxious.
It's also important for me as a person, because I have got off to a very slow start with life skills, because that has been my mother's way of trying to ensure that neither of her children grew up, and in my case she has been able to use my cerebral palsy as a sort of 'cover story' for her actions/inactions.

[isilme]

When I got married she tried to persuade me that I wanted to stay living at home with her and only visit my husband at weekends.

^This was what drove me and my mother to NC - she could not fathom my not wanting to just leave my life and come be her clone/maid/caretaker again.

I clean for me and my sanity - I see it as taking control of my environment , which for me as a child and teen was often far out of my own control.  Mom was slapdash about it, it was mostly for company she never allowed in the house - my main chore was keeping her from falling on her face in a barbiturate stupor, and taking over all the chores.  She was the opposite of your mom in a way, making herself MY child.  H's mom is sadly a hoarder.  His cleaning is also mostly for company. 

I can see how your H is feeling, and yes, it sounds very much like a "new parent" adjustment taking place.  As the child grows and as you both get more used to the demands on time that comes from being parents, this should improve.  Just try to make sure he knows he's still important to you, but you feel overwhelmed and drained from simply taking care of the baby, and you will need to learn how to manage both household and child.  This is something you will have to do somewhat anyway - as the baby learns to crawl and walk, you'd want things squared away to prevent injury and harm.  My SIL had a lot of trouble feeling overwhelmed by being a mom.  She had a miscarriage before her first child, and it hurt her badly emotionally.  By the time the 1 child was born, she would not set the baby down to do ANYTHING.  I saw her taking out the trash one day, baby in one arm, trash in the other.  I was like, "that's hardly wise - and what a play pen is for!"  It also caused some difficult attachment issues, where the baby would scream and cry if anyone but mom was takin care of her, so she could not leave the house, or her husband had to endure an angry baby for the time mommy was gone.  SIL (and H) have some BPD issues of their own, I think mostly from their own mother.

I think you may have some issues a bit like H - he sees a task and gets so overwhelmed he just gives up on it, can't break it down and feel good as pieces get done, and only feels good if it's 100% complete.  I have to break things down into manageable "bites".  I can't do dishes right now, but I can take out the trash.  I can't hang up my clothes at the moment, but I can put away the towels.  Triage. 

Give youself tiny goals.  Pick a chore - just one, and make sure to accomplish just it.  And let yourself feel good you got the sink cleared.  Life skills are learned, and you can learn them.  It just takes time.  I rarely manage to get my clothes 100% put away.  I settle for getting work clothes hung up, or all underwear into a drawer.  I try to have realistic expectations for what can be done around the house and what needs special time to get done.  Real life means some mess.  Even with a stay at home wife/mom. 

One big thing to try to work on - if you manage to get those dishes cleaned - try to practice a really good strategy of "clean as you go."  I am often surprised others don't do this, but it's a lifesaver.  While cooking, I do dishes when the food can be left alone for a few minutes.  Used a cutting board - wash it when done.  Use a strainer?  Rinse it immediately and set it to dry.  It will be ready next time you need it.  If you wash as many things as you sue them as you can, the dishes won't reach critical mass and become overwhelming as quickly or as easily. 

Also, do your best to explain that your mother is not an option.  She would not help, she would increase your inability to do this as you need to learn to do, in addition to her being an emotional drain.  You need energy, not another drain.