Is it me or is it him?

[Notjoy]

After 27 years of marriage I no longer know what is real and what is not.

Life in our house is like an emotional roller coaster.  He is happy and talkative, then suddenly turns on me to say I am an uncaring mother, undesirable wife, have a worthless job only held by losers, and would be "nothing" without him.

There is so much to say, but it is hard to articulate the feelings and put some of his actions into words.  There are days his voice changes and features are harder.  He argues with anything.  If I ask what is wrong, he gets louder and more emphatic.  I ask him to talk in a conversational tone, his response is more yelling and an explanation that he comes from a loud family.  Yet he can be charming and nice.  He can go from yelling at me, calling me a fat pig, to being as sweet as possible to the neighbor he just saw outside... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Notjoy!

Welcome to the Family! I am sorry to hear about what you have been experiencing. I know how hard it can when someone who were are involved with speaks to us in such harsh, horrible tones. My husband has BPD traits and I've come to see he is like anyone but he is just experiencing his emotions at a higher level of intensity and has trouble regulating them. It is hard for him. Looking at him through the eyes of compassion helps.

I had a time of not understanding what was real or not anymore before I found this site. That feels horrible! Being here has helped me to make sense of things and restore my sense of the world. My life is so much better for this!

Take your time, there is a lot to read here and absorb and eventually experiment with implementing.

There is a lesson on the right hand side of the page that is titled "Understanding your partner's behaviors" that is a good starting point. I suggest a lot of reading/rereading. Also, keep an eye out for Tattered Heart's posts because she is very skilled at using the tools here and gives us all a chance to concretely envision what we can do to make things better.

Take care!

p.s. None of your husbands insults are true, okay? Toss it in the garbage!