Don't "test your strength"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, all,

After having not seen my diagnosed exBPD/NPDbf for 3 months (although still communicating with him consistently) his begging broke me down and I went out to lunch with him yesterday (I paid, ).  I didn't do anything incredibly stupid (like sleep with him).  I had been feeling fairly good about things, mostly indifferent with a good dose of angry now and then, hadn't been missing him too much.  Well, that's all out the window.  Even after having spent three hours in his presence yesterday, I'm back in the throes of addiction - wondering if I should give in to his pleas to be with him "as a loving friend" even "occasionally", and spending time with him "when I can".  I know damn well we are not capable of being in a relationship, and I know damn well he hasn't changed (although he claims a new "enlightenment", so why the hell am I giving it a second thought?

Last recycle the stress literally sent me to the hospital.

Cursing myself today... .Just goes to show you that I'm nowhere near as detached as I thought I was becoming.  Dammit.

[chillamom]

Hi, all,

After having not seen my diagnosed exBPD/NPDbf for 3 months (although still communicating with him consistently) his begging broke me down and I went out to lunch with him yesterday (I paid, ).  I didn't do anything incredibly stupid (like sleep with him).  I had been feeling fairly good about things, mostly indifferent with a good dose of angry now and then, hadn't been missing him too much.  Well, that's all out the window.  Even after having spent three hours in his presence yesterday, I'm back in the throes of addiction - wondering if I should give in to his pleas to be with him "as a loving friend" even "occasionally", and spending time with him "when I can".  I know damn well we are not capable of being in a relationship, and I know damn well he hasn't changed (although he claims a new "enlightenment", so why the hell am I giving it a second thought?

Last recycle the stress literally sent me to the hospital.

Cursing myself today... .Just goes to show you that I'm nowhere near as detached as I thought I was becoming.  Dammit.

[Freeatlast_1]

Chillamom

At least you have the choice to go back or not go back and you are making the right choice not to. I am happy that you aren't going crazy over this situation. I am 1 month NC with few texts msgs 2 wks ago asking me a medical question. Then back to NC. It's probably the most painful experience I've had to live. So keep the power to refuse him, it makes it so much better and you can heal faster. Of course if you choose to go for another recycle, couples therapy might be a good option here.

[patientandclear]

ChillaMom: the path to mental health and self-respect and self-love isn’t usually easy or especially pleasant, coming out of these relationships. It’s tempting to process “I’m uncomfortable with this” as an indication that we should close the gap with the person whose behavior caused a lot of hurt. There is a strong impulse to take action in hopes it will somehow feel better.

DBT skills, the same ones taught to pwBPD to assist in resisting impulsive and destructive actions, can be useful for us—practicing “distress tolerance.” To endure the end of my BPD r/ship, somewhat chosen by my ex-partner and somewhat by me, I’ve had to learn that I can live through pretty intense discomfort and sadness. They are “just” feelings. They don’t mean I need to put the stuff that matters most to me (my commitment to my kid and my work, my mental health and self-respect, my chance at actual happiness) in jeopardy for a hit of the chemical relief I feel when I am in touch with my ex.

Not everyone has to have no contact. I do. My ex is so phenomenally effective in manipulating the levers of my heart that it is dangerous to be around him. I miss him etc etc and of course I get lost in “what if’s.” I know better at this point and you’ve been posting here for a long time that you don’t actually have hope for your situation with you ex to be something you would want.

If that’s true, then distress tolerance — choosing health and self-care with discomfort rather than the blast of whatever we get from seeing them/being in touch and the associated unraveling of our resolve to head in other directions — is a very important skill to practice.

I have become fairly dispassionate about my own discomfort and that helps. I observe that I am uncomfortable. OK. Then I let that thought go and move on to the next topic in the day. Sometimes it’s harder and more painful than other times. I still have a lot of grief that erupts from time to time. That is OK and survivable. It was sad. It is sad. I am sad. Again, that is OK—not necessary to do anything in response to those feelings unless there is an independent reason to do the thing.

[Insom]

Hi, chillamom,

As the daughter of a woman who has struggled with romantic partners, your posts are especially poignant to me.

You've got people in your life, including at least one daughter, who are distressed enough about what's going on with you that they planned an intervention prior to your hospitalization with a very serious condition.

On the other hand, you continue to be in contact with this much younger person who has BPD that you have a relationship with that is both parental and sexual/romantic.  This person treats you abusively and the relationship appears addictive.

What do you think is going on here?  Not with him.  But with you?

[chillamom]

Freeatlast_1Knowing that you and I (and all of us) have the power of refusal here is something to keep in mind; I think often these kinds of relationships are so DISempowering that we forget we have the right to go NC, LC, or whatever we choose.  I know it's something I have to keep reminding myself of….a recycle will NOT happen again because there is no future for me in the relationship, and I have finally accepted that (my head finally accepts it anyway).  I'm glad you've been able to maintain NC for the most part, and God, it is SO damn painful.  I am amazed that it's taken me the better part of a year to get this far - if I hadn't gone into recycle mode this past summer I'm sure I would be farther down the road.  So stay with it because it WILL pay off in the coveted indifference - or so I'm told.

patentandclear. Once again you live up to your name so completely.  You have said similar things to me before, and of course you are correct - I guess at some level I didn't expect this to be so hard (read that in an appropriately whiny tone).  I did look up the distress tolerance skills, God that makes a lot of sense!  I know all of this stuff intellectually but I have to set aside time to put it into practice.  And like your ex, mine is so incredibly skilled at essentially turning my heart/mind into his own personal marionette that I NEED to stay away.  Every time I do decide see him - to make him and admittedly ME feel better - its quite disastrous.  Health and self-care with discomfort is what this will have to be, that versus a dose of dopamine that will only leave me feeling worse. It's just hard to get off the merry-go-round, and his perpetual neediness is something I feel so cold and cruel turning away from.

Insom good and important and painful questions that I've been asking myself in therapy for years. What's going on with me is easy to understand intellectually - a history of childhood abuse, huge problems with self-esteem, a chronic need to be needed.  It's a perfect storm of vulnerability for someone like myself with major depressive disorder and a crappy history.  No excuse, though, I realize that.  At this point it's far more productive to find a way to take action rather than keep trying to understand the wound.  I understand it perfectly well, and the scars of the past aren't going anywhere.  I need to find a way to stop examining it and just move forward, my biggest obstacle is worrying about my ex and HIS feelings because he doesn't have anyone else in his life, whereas I do fortunately have a great family and good friends.  All I really wish I had is a time machine so I could set it back a decade.  I'm sure a lot of others feel similarly.

Thanks to all of you for the innocculation of strength !

[Harley Quinn]

Hi chillamom,

Firstly I want to say that it takes great strength to reach inside of yourself and post as you have with your honesty and openness, especially at a time when you clearly are not particularly proud of your actions.  I feel for you - as the majority of us will, as that ability to pull on those heart strings is a real super power for our exes in general.  And our kryptonite as caretaker types.  It had to damn near ruin my life altogether and hurt the ones I love the most before I put a stop to my overactive empathy.  Please read this as it is intended, which is with care and compassion for you.  Remaining stuck as you feel is keeping both of you stuck and actually not helping him either.  Whilst he has you to lean on he is avoiding standing on his own two feet.  If he tries this and it frightens him too much there is a whole world of other rescuers and codependents out there whom he can find and turn to instead - just as soon as you stop making yourself available for the task. 

You mention a need to be needed.  That same family and circle of friends of whom you speak also need you chillamom.  And they need you to see that and to want to take care of yourself so that they can have you - all of you, without the emotional wrecking ball and chain dragging you down - in their lives.  Free yourself chillamom.  We will always be here to help you through the rough parts, on that you can count.  You have endured so much already.  It will hurt, yes, to cut the chord.  Not half as much as you will hurt long term if you don't though.  Ask yourself how you would like your life to look?  How would you like to feel?  Can these things be achieved if you remain as you are?  Those who love and care for you want the best for you.  You need to want that for yourself too.  So what can you do to stop yourself from being drawn in by him any longer?  How could you release with grace? 

Love and light x