getting past it. ex BPD/npd (i think).

[4wordone]

Relationship ended a month ago. She went NC on me unexpectedly (of course), while I was away for a weekend marathon. She went out with another guy and slept with him. Boom. done. So just working through it. I had told friends I needed to end it months before it actually did. I'm sure she knew it in her mind. And by going NC on me that weekend, I felt forced to say vie text, "enough, lose my number, we are done". I'm certain she had her next "supply" lined up for the weekend we ended and that's why she bailed on coming with me, which gave her the opportunity to just cut me off. Maybe she guessed I'd break up with her because of it... .

Lasted 12 months. Everything I've read - it mirrors what we had. a blend of NPD and BPD traits I'd guess. Lots of good. Too much bad. Looked past much of it. Got too comfortable in it. lived with her part time. I wonder now if she felt "abandoned" overtime I left to go home to my house and parent my children. I often felt like we were disconnected when I'd leave. And at other times, looking back, it was like the love I was feeling and projecting was kinda bouncing off, like was she really feeling it? She would always tell me how much she loved me; "so much"... .

Being cut off like that. Thrown away like nothing. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that she has no sense of how horrible that is to do to someone. At least I hope she can't because that would be really terrible to just think "hey no big". But ya know... .I saw that in an email I got back from her a week afterwards - she describe a run she was at with her son, and included the words, "things move forward". It seemed flippant, especially because even with a few emails back and forth, there was no closure.

Anyway, I'm sure I could use up all 16,000 characters here.

I think I'll be okay in a couple or few more months. I have a pretty good sense of self and am seeing a therapist to talk it out and gain insights about myself, motives for staying, etc. But, I do still have that longing for her. And that sucks.

last words - I dreamt about her a few nights ago. In it, I was with her, holding her, but telling her I couldn't be with her, but I didn't want to physically let go. something like that. 

4wordone

[Icefog]

My experience mirrors yours. I believe my exBPD partner viewed me wanting to spend more time at my own home as abandonment even tho she would not entertain or discuss an alternate arrangement. It was either I go to her place or were not together. Very rarely over a 3 year period did she come to my place. After a while it was feeling quite disconnected and I now know this gave her the opportunity to develop another relationship... .and groom another guy... .in classic BPD fashion. Then blame me for abandoning her even tho she never identified this or discussed it as a relationship problem. Until she left... .abruptly and completely. No explanation, no closure, no contact. By text message. It was very damaging to myself.and my son as well.as her kids. Seemingly she did not care. Fast forward 8 months to now... .shes engaged to a new victim. My replacement. He will suffer the same fate as myself and many before me. I still struggle daily and wish did not take up.so much space in my head. I have done all the right things to heal and still it remains.

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome 4wordone 

Sorry you had to find us but glad you did.  You're certainly going to be understood here and will find lots of reliable info on the site so I'd encourage you to have a look around, especially at the articles to the right hand side of the board and the lessons when you're ready. 

Ah the dreams.  Yes I remember that part.  They will come and go but get less frequent over time.  It's like your brain's way of trying to make sense of things that don't make sense.  You mention lots of bad in the r/s.  Would you like to give us some examples of the behaviours you experienced that stood out to you as BPD/NPD traits?  As PDs are spectrum disorders there can be a variety of traits that are prevalent in individuals to varying degrees. 

I notice you say that you had wanted to end the r/s a while before this breakup happened.  What do you think prevented you from doing that?  One of my life saver articles is this one called Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality.  It covers within it the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck and I found this tremendously helpful in understanding not only more about my ex but more about myself too.  I hope it will be useful in allowing you to gauge where you are at as you heal from this.  We are also running a series of polls and discussions on the beliefs on the board, which you'll find marked with stars.  These may be interesting to you. 

It's great that you're getting the support of a therapist.  Keep posting here too, as you will find we are all at various stages of the detaching and healing process and help one another along.

Love and light x 

[4wordone]

BPD/NPD traits that stood out - alcoholism for one. The biggest issue? Probably. That one she at least started to explore a little just before we broke up as she signed up for treatment. I mean, this is a high functioning person in her work and if I'm correct about the "diagnosis" (which no one other than a therapist has the ability to do) it really manifested in her personal relationships. But the alcoholism - that drove my fears through the roof as I know there is no "fixing" that in anyone who suffers from it. They need to get treatment themselves. One of our last weekends together she was drunk two nights in a row and she  tripped and fell in her front hallway - this is a woman with a badly broken surgically repaired ankle in a boot cast - drunk enough to lose her balance and fall down. I had to help her up and get her into her bed. Sad to watch. And... .given that same Saturday night,  she had asked me to come back to her house, be there at 8pm to talk about "us" and she wasn't even there. She was out drinking and got back 30 minutes late, well into the wine.

Honestly, I looked past more red flags than a (insert clever analogy here!). But the drunken fall - At least from there a conversation started about treatment after describing to her in painful detail what she had done after she got home. not to mention the fact that going out drinking was more important on that Saturday than the conversation she said she wanted to have with me... .

Not many close female friends - I'm sure they saw the narcissistic tendencies. She got attention for the way she looked; pretty, fit, muscular even. Women envied here arms - she would get stopped on the street by men and women - the men hitting on her presumably, the women asking how she did it.
No or low boundaries - men hitting on her. She would engage. Usually, often, and always wanted to tell me about it. I asked her to save it for her girlfriends. I understand attractive women attract attention, but most women, confident in who they are and genuinely in love with their partner don't create the impression they are interested in that attention. She usually did and felt okay telling me. I suggested she ask her therapist about that behavior. The therapist told her - "you have no boundaries. You need to have boundaries". It was like a light went on for her when she told me what her therapist had said. I was, in my head saying "no ___ sherlock". Things most people in relationship know about in terms of how to act when building trust... .news to her.
Social anxiety - I could see it at times.
Attention seeking - often. Running in a jog bra and shorts, which in and of itself is no big. But walking into a small sit down local restaurant wearing same and not thinking of the "social norms"? of throwing on a fleece... .
Fear of abandonment - An argument in the bedroom. I'd get up and want to leave. Get to the front door. She would stop me, I would listen, she would apologize, tell me I was right, "yes, i can see it now, you're right you're right"... .And I would stay. Not because I was "right" but because... .(this is what i'm working on). Likely because she filled a void, i was comfortable (I guess only at times), in her home... .who knows right. Again, stuff i'm working on.
The good allows you to overlook the bad? Why did I compromise my needs in it... .Trust was lacking but... .I came out of a 20+ year marriage that ended with cheating, so it turns out I picked the worst possible woman to be with in terms of a new relationship and starting with trust that quickly faded away and was very difficult to pull back into the relationship.

As you say, a variety of traits, on their own suspect but combined, they spell out or would seem to fall into the NPD/BPD spectrum.

Note - I stayed in a relationship with a woman I wasn't quite falling in love with. So, was that fair of me? Not at all. Should I have left at the first sign of trouble? Maybe. Once you know she's not going to be the great love of your life, you have to take responsibility for yourself and call it "over". But I stayed, trying to make it work. She's hot right? The bedroom is awesome, oh ya, the alcohol... .every night... .hmmm. Red Flags ignored.

And last point - I went on a couple of dates with two other women before I met her. And then it was game on. She would argue it was too soon for me, after my marriage - that she was the "rebound" relationship and that rebounds never work. I hope that for some people, rebound relationships do work. I did hope so for us at one point.

Then again, I will joke at my own expense, with that line;  "maybe she's just not that into you"... .

[MarkDavid]

BPD/NPD traits that stood out - alcoholism for one. The biggest issue? Probably. That one she at least started to explore a little just before we broke up as she signed up for treatment. I mean, this is a high functioning person in her work and if I'm correct about the "diagnosis" (which no one other than a therapist has the ability to do) it really manifested in her personal relationships. But the alcoholism - that drove my fears through the roof as I know there is no "fixing" that in anyone who suffers from it. They need to get treatment themselves. One of our last weekends together she was drunk two nights in a row and she  tripped and fell in her front hallway - this is a woman with a badly broken surgically repaired ankle in a boot cast - drunk enough to lose her balance and fall down. I had to help her up and get her into her bed. Sad to watch. And... .given that same Saturday night,  she had asked me to come back to her house, be there at 8pm to talk about "us" and she wasn't even there. She was out drinking and got back 30 minutes late, well into the wine.

Honestly, I looked past more red flags than a (insert clever analogy here!). But the drunken fall - At least from there a conversation started about treatment after describing to her in painful detail what she had done after she got home. not to mention the fact that going out drinking was more important on that Saturday than the conversation she said she wanted to have with me... .

Not many close female friends - I'm sure they saw the narcissistic tendencies. She got attention for the way she looked; pretty, fit, muscular even. Women envied here arms - she would get stopped on the street by men and women - the men hitting on her presumably, the women asking how she did it.
No or low boundaries - men hitting on her. She would engage. Usually, often, and always wanted to tell me about it. I asked her to save it for her girlfriends. I understand attractive women attract attention, but most women, confident in who they are and genuinely in love with their partner don't create the impression they are interested in that attention. She usually did and felt okay telling me. I suggested she ask her therapist about that behavior. The therapist told her - "you have no boundaries. You need to have boundaries". It was like a light went on for her when she told me what her therapist had said. I was, in my head saying "no ___ sherlock". Things most people in relationship know about in terms of how to act when building trust... .news to her.
Social anxiety - I could see it at times.
Attention seeking - often. Running in a jog bra and shorts, which in and of itself is no big. But walking into a small sit down local restaurant wearing same and not thinking of the "social norms"? of throwing on a fleece... .
Fear of abandonment - An argument in the bedroom. I'd get up and want to leave. Get to the front door. She would stop me, I would listen, she would apologize, tell me I was right, "yes, i can see it now, you're right you're right"... .And I would stay. Not because I was "right" but because... .(this is what i'm working on). Likely because she filled a void, i was comfortable (I guess only at times), in her home... .who knows right. Again, stuff i'm working on.
The good allows you to overlook the bad? Why did I compromise my needs in it... .Trust was lacking but... .I came out of a 20+ year marriage that ended with cheating, so it turns out I picked the worst possible woman to be with in terms of a new relationship and starting with trust that quickly faded away and was very difficult to pull back into the relationship.

As you say, a variety of traits, on their own suspect but combined, they spell out or would seem to fall into the NPD/BPD spectrum.

Note - I stayed in a relationship with a woman I wasn't quite falling in love with. So, was that fair of me? Not at all. Should I have left at the first sign of trouble? Maybe. Once you know she's not going to be the great love of your life, you have to take responsibility for yourself and call it "over". But I stayed, trying to make it work. She's hot right? The bedroom is awesome, oh ya, the alcohol... .every night... .hmmm. Red Flags ignored.

And last point - I went on a couple of dates with two other women before I met her. And then it was game on. She would argue it was too soon for me, after my marriage - that she was the "rebound" relationship and that rebounds never work. I hope that for some people, rebound relationships do work. I did hope so for us at one point.

Then again, I will joke at my own expense, with that line;  "maybe she's just not that into you"... .

I hear you, Brother!  I'm not in a place where I can give any advice, but I hear what you are saying and can just say the same thing pretty much happened to me.