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Author Topic: Sex chat/meet sites  (Read 344 times)
ortac77
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 318



« on: October 15, 2017, 07:19:35 AM »

Hi

My pwBPD has been having DBT for a few months and whilst it is a 'bumpy road' on the whole there has been a marked improvement in his behaviours and ability to communicate and tolerate stress and not rage in the way he used to. He also has been more affectionate and caring.

I too have been engaged in therapy and have endeavoured to better understand this illness and both the effect on me and perhaps more importantly to learn to be supportive whilst at the same time challenge my own care taking behaviours. Not least this involves rebuilding my own life and getting to know 'me' and my needs better. I have also worked on my trust issues which had been low given some of the previous behaviour.

I have just found out that my partner has been engaging in 'sexting' on a well known gay dating site, I don't think he has met anyone (?) rather engaged in sending and receiving explicit photos and chat. He has done this in the past but when confronted promised to stop, yes I know that means little but given the apparent improvement in our r/s I chose to believe him in an attempt to re-build trust.

Today I am conflicted, I can of course understand the attraction of these sites to somebody with low self-esteem but my own value system sees this behaviour as betrayal and I am therefore seeing my judgemental self coming to the fore and an underlying anger that yet again I feel devalued and cheapened.

The angry me wants to confront him and 'have it out' but a more thinking me wants to find a way of dealing with this as something that can be resolved.

Whilst these sites do not constitute actual sexual activity I currently feel that I am not interested in being close, perhaps because my own self esteem issues have been triggered?

Any help or advice welcomed as to how best to deal with this

Thanks
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2017, 04:28:28 PM »

Why do you see yourself as judgmental?

It sounds like perhaps you are not fully owning and embracing the feelings of betrayal.

I felt compelled to respond to this post because I was in your shoes at one time. It started out with pornography. I tried not to be upset about it. The ex and I went through periods where I would catch him. He would apologize and say that he wasn't doing it. I would lose trust because of something that he said or did and I would go snooping. In the process of snooping, I would find out that he had been up to no good.

It was a cycle that went on for almost 20 years. There were quite a few years in the middle that I thought things were okay. At the end, there were dating sites. He would tell me that he wanted to work on things with me and then I would find out that he was looking for somebody else. He went so far as to text another woman while we were snuggling on the couch.

I don't want to sound cynical but it is probably a matter of time before he actually meets up with somebody if he hasn't already. I went down a rabbit hole with the ex and tried an open relationship. That didn't work because he would tell me that he wasn't seeing anybody and that he wasn't interested in anybody other than me yet he was sexting with other girls, promising them that he would send them pictures/videos, and telling them all sorts of stuff about me. The biggest betrayal in all of it was that I agreed to the open relationship because he said that he thought he was gay/bisexual and wanted to experiment but didn't want to ruin our family. I had no problems with that. The problem was that he was chasing other women and telling them a whole lot of things that simply were not true. He needed his fix and he would get it wherever he could even if that meant lying to me and disrespecting me.

One of the things that he would tell me is that he wasn't cheating. I felt like he completely dismissed my concerns and my feelings. I tried not to feel betrayed. It is very, very difficult when it feels like progress is being made only to discover that your partner is secretly chasing other people. The fact that they haven't met in person isn't very comforting. At least I didn't find it comforting in the least. And, it didn't feel like it was any less of a betrayal.

One of the pieces of advice I have been given is: Think about what you would tell your best friend if he/she was in a similar situation.
Would you tell your best friend that it is okay for his/her partner to engage in that kind of behavior?
Would you get angry that somebody is doing that to your best friend? What would you tell your best friend to do?

Also, look into resources about being the partner of a sex addict. A person can be a sex/love addict even if they are not having actual intercourse with others. The ex would dismiss me with "What is your problem? I am not cheating." or when it progressed to dating websites it was, "What is your problem? We haven't even met yet." "What is your problem? You are seeing somebody." I could never quite get him to understand that the biggest problem that I had was that he was lying about all of it. His words and his actions did NOT align. I don't understand how he could be telling me that I was great and wonderful and he wanted to work on things while he was chasing other women and telling them horrible things about me. It made no sense at all.

Is having sexual activity with another person the only reason that somebody might not want to be close? When I don't feel cared for by my partner, I don't want to be close to him. If I don't feel like I can trust him with my emotions, why in the world would I want to trust him with my body or any other parts of myself?

Don't dismiss yourself. I know what it looks like because I do it all the time. It is easy to do when you have what feels like a very valid concern and somebody else acts like you are being ridiculous or tries to blame it on your issues. All issues aside. If you knew somebody else in your situation, what would you say, do, think?
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2017, 05:05:40 PM »

Just like Vortex (Hi Vortex!) I was also in a twenty year relationship with a serial sex addict.

My ex had all sorts of strategies to meet potential partners. He got into photography and "needed" to take pictures of women, preferably undressed. He responded to personal ads (this was before the internet), he met women, he solicited prostitutes. And somehow managed to keep me in the dark about all his extracurricular activities.

Over and over he repented, when found out, and promised that it would never happen again. Until it did. Sometimes he'd be so guilt stricken, he'd confess and apologize to me and the cycle would begin again. It seemed like he thought that through apology, he could erase the chalkboard and everything would be hunky dory between us.

It's totally understandable that you wouldn't want to be close, since, as Vortex mentioned, this is a betrayal of trust, whether or not there is actual sexual activity. Many times I was told that there was "nothing going on" only to find out differently.

Even though I'm now in a marriage with a nicer BPD husband who hasn't shown any proclivity toward extramarital activities, I don't entirely feel certain that it might not occur with him as well. Being in a relationship with an avowed cheater or betrayer of any kind is damaging to one's psyche. I don't think it's a "self esteem" issue on your part.

My ex frequently used that as ammunition: "you're insecure", "you're paranoid", "it's your imagination", "I'm a good guy", etc. Meanwhile he was carrying on with his secret life.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
ortac77
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 318



« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2017, 05:55:00 PM »

Hi

Thank you for your comments and experiences, it is a betrayal and having felt very angry and upset by this today  I am seeing that this is not anything to do with my self-esteem, it is a symptom of his own inadequacy and it is right that I should feel angry, particularly about the dishonesty and deceit.

I need to find some quiet time to think this through, I never make good choices when angry and luckily have a few days to myself now to work through my feelings.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2017, 02:03:38 PM »

My question for you is what sort of boundaries did you define for your relationship and was it spelled out explicitly?

Are you exclusive? Are you living together? Have you articulated a commitment?

PwBPD seem to have expertise at renegotiatiating agreements, when we think we are on the same page.

This might be a way to broach the topic--asking him what he thinks your relationship means.

And often there is no reciprocity in the BPD mind--that's what is right for him, may not be right for you.

It's good to know these things and get them spelled out explicitly and then you can know if this relationship is worthwhile for you.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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