I'll spare you the details, but my wife is in a full rage.  She has called me at work today 40 times, and texted many more.  I have not done this for a while, but need to sleep somewhere else tonight.  When I leave, it is a big trigger for her, and the time she is most likely to get violent.  My objective tonight would be to drop my daughter off after taking her home from an activity, go in, pack a bag and leave.  I am concerned about being able to get out of the house without violence -- even a straight path into the house to the bedroom, then out of the house is risky -- I have been trapped in the master bathroom with her several times, tackled in the master bedroom as I tried to leave, and assaulted literally as I exited the front door.  (And yes, I now wish I had a bag packed off-site, though there's not a good place, and I don't have a car secure from her).  I was considering swinging by the police station before I go home, introducing myself, and letting them know my plan.  I have never involved them before.  Can you think of a reason not to do this?  (I'm also running this question by my lawyer).  I'd like to better understand how they respond to these things, how they respond when meeting a male victim of domestic violence, and also establish some credibility by introducing myself before I need help.  Are there any potential negative consequences of doing this?

I could also go out and by a fresh shirt and underwear tonight, avoiding the house to let her cool down for a day or two, but I'm not willing to stay out of the house for more than a night or two, so still think I need an answer to the question of introducing myself to the police.  Thank you for your thoughts.

I agree with Gagrl on this as well. Trust your gut instinct. Do what you feel is best. Be safe.

Oh. So sorry. Have police or friend(s) accompany you as you pack bags if you cannot avoid altogether. Stay safe.

For the future, keep an emergency bag with toiletries and a change of clothes somewhere else so that you have access to them and can avoid this kind of thing in the future.

I would talk to the police about what you anticipate and ask them what they think is the best way to handle it?  That way they are aware of the situation at minimum, they might suggest you go shopping and avoid home or will escort you if they feel it is warranted.

Panda39

Hello all,

Thank you for all of the support.  Unfortunately, things got complicated last night, and I ended up calling the police on my wife for the first time.  I'm feeling pretty unsettled about all of it.  Some good, some bad, some just unsettled.

I had decided go the extra mile to avoid conflict and to go buy a change of clothes and go to a hotel rather than going home.  During the day, I had a circular conversation with her for an hour at lunch, and she called me 66 times after I hung up to get back to work.  Unfortunately, when my wife texted at the end of the work day to see where I was, I was silly enough to answer and tell her I was on the train.  When the train arrived, I saw her standing on the platform looking for me.  I ducked and went in the opposite direction, but she caught up to me.  She had moved my car so I couldn't drive away.  Her body language was aggressive, and she kept following me around the lot, looking pretty happy that she was in control.  Then she said to just get in the car and talk.  I have learned not to do this, as she will just drive around and not take me home, sometimes driving in a scary manner while screaming at me.  She claimed she had disabled my Uber account (likely a bluff).  So there I was on foot, with no place to go.  This is the second time she has taken my car from the train station.  I just wanted a car to be able to drive to a hotel and catch up on all the work I'd missed during the day when she caltimes.  I needed help (in the immediate sense and the larger sense) so I called the police so they could help me get the car (she was sitting in it).  As soon as she heard me doing this, she took off in the other family car that she'd used to get there.  The police came and took a report, and were quite professional and reasonable about it.  They did not make me feel stupid for calling, or for being a guy.  I explained that I had been trying to avoid going home, which I think they appreciated.

One key thing here was that we were not at home.  I don't think I'm ready to have police on my street come to my house.  So I don't know if being away from home made it too easy to call them, or if it was a good thing to get me over the hurdle of asking for help.  I don't know if I overreacted.  I have tried so hard to not be someone who fans the flames, as I was more prone to do in my younger days.  But I felt trapped, and the low-conflict approach of walking away, finding a hotel I could walk to, and Ubering to take a family car in the middle of the night was just something I didn't have the energy for.  But I also feel lame, like I tattled, or should have been able to handle it without the police.

On the plus side, I realized that the police are a consequence that carries great weight for my wife, and involving them in a way that does not have them on my street is something I now know I can do.  So if she hits me, kicks me, or tackles me again, which I am sick of, driving to the police station and reporting it seems like something I can do.  To be prepared for that, though, I'll talk to my lawyer first for guidance.

Now the negatives.  It took an hour or so to be done with the police, and I was driving to the clothing store when my wife called balling on the phone.  To make a long story short, I fell for the sad puppy and went home (I am a little embarrassed by this).  I cannot believe how she can go from a monster to a crying vulnerable girl at the flip of a switch.  She claimed that she had just been coming to invite me to dinner, and she'd sent me a text to that effect (I had blocked her and don't know if this is true, and maybe it is, but her behavior in the parking lot was classic monster wife behavior).  So she fed me dinner,  slept in my own bed, and went to work this morning.  We haven't had any discussions, and today is the anniversary of a family loss for her, so I'll have to go easy.

So I'm not really sure where we are.  Her dissatisfaction with the marriage real, and things are worse than they were a year ago.  I am also trying to make improvements and set boundaries, which is uncomfortable for her.  And she recently lost her mother.  A day ago she was demanding that I move out right away and never come back.  Then she cried and asked me to come home.  But I know she will still expect me to fix myself and make everything better. 

I'm thinking that the thing I most need to get a handle on is boundaries, and then see what happens.  I'd value feedback on that.  I need to be able to not have my work day destroyed, not get physically abused, and not be kept up at night.  I don't think I can continue with those things happening.  The work day I think I can manage now that I realize that only a hard limit on contact will work.  The other two I may need outside help with.

Thank you all again for your support.  I cannot imagine going through this without help (OK, I can, because I did, and it was awful

I'm glad you're okay.  Boundaries are a very good thing. I'm still working on mine. I think this site probably has some good articles on how to establish and enforce your personal boundaries. I don't know the links for them at this moment. I'll look for my notes from my therapist on setting boundaries as well.

Thank you for the questions, Skip.

My wife and I have been married 23 years, and dated since we were 19.  What I now realize were BPD symptoms were present way back then.  Three daughters, D12, D16, D18.  I have been BPD aware for 5 years, raising my game and working harder with reading and tools the past year, and about 6 months with therapy and this board.

My wife has been physically violent for the second half of the marriage, and it has escalated, especially in the last six months (aligning in time with my wife's mother's death, some career turbulence for me, and my increased efforts to use BPD tools and set boundaries).  The first minor incident I remember was halfway into the marriage, when she kicked my foot for falling asleep on the floor of the baby's room after returning from a trip abroad.  She now traps me in bathrooms, blocking my exit, for over an hour at times, ridiculing me, dousing me with liquids, and in one recent incident poking me in the face with a sharp stick repeatedly.  If I try to leave, that triggers more violence.  She has punched me in the base of the skull hard enough that my head hurt an hour later, and struck me in the head at the family dinner table in front of the kids, then ridiculed me for running away.  In the last three months, she has tackled me as I tried to leave the bedroom, and charged me like a football player from the front yard, trying to ram me back over the front door threshold into the house.  When she tackled me, she hung on my back with her full weight on me and a choke hold for 45 minutes as I was on my hands and knees.  Escaping would have been easy, but would have required me to flip her on her back, which was not safe.  I do not retaliate.  Sleep deprivation is another kind of abuse.  I've gotten very good at validating, and can often save an evening with patience, but if it gets past midnight and we've had scathing ridicule and circular arguments for two hours already, I start to get tired.  If I try to sleep, I am kept up with stalking in the house, loud noises, lights being flipped on while I'm sleeping, and assault.  I'm not trying to complain, and have been humbled to hear the stories of some friends on these boards who have it worse, but I have come to realize that I have a serious problem.

I have stayed in the marriage because I am ever hopeful, and stayed in the house as well because I'm concerned about maintaining my parental time if we ever had a custody fight.  As you might guess, I do not yet regard myself as skilled at boundaries, including figuring out good consequences.  I have been scared to blow up the marriage and lose the kids, but I've gotten to the point that I need to make improvements and if that entails risk to the marriage, I can accept that.

The recent back story is that my wife returned from a week away on Monday night.  :)espite some good texts while she was traveling, where it seemed like things were going OK, as soon as we landed, she was painting me black and the aggressive texts started to fly.  That evening, she did a mind-warp reversal regarding high school course selection on my 16 year old daughter, ridiculing her about her chances to get into her favorite college; one of the most clear incidents I've seen of BPD behavior directed at D16, leaving her in tears, and leaving me worried about this escalation.

That night she demanded a divorce (a request given every 2-3 weeks lately), and demanded that I move out immediately (which I am not willing to do).  This is also the usual request.  She said if I went to a hotel she would follow me (and she has tracked me down at a hotel twice before).  She gave me the choice of sleeping in the garage or on the back lawn in a tent.  I refused (my favorite landing spot, the family room couch, is forbidden).  I ended up sleeping on the master bedroom floor.

Though her demands constantly changed, we talked about me not coming home Tuesday night (she said forever, I said a night or two).  Tuesday at work, my wife texted me aggressively in the morning.  I said I had to work (I really could not afford to not work) and could talk at noon.  At noon, I talked to her for a full hour, another circular conversation where the only solution was for me to move out immediately and file for divorce because I'm the one who screwed up.

During the afternoon my unwillingness to talk triggered her.  She called me 66 times, and texted many more.  I had blocked her, but she used my daughter's phone, google voice, and her laptop messenger to get through.  I could not work, and finally put my phone into airplane mode.  Finally, she reached me, by impersonating my daughter via text.  She created a crisis by saying I had to leave work an hour early to take my daughter to her first practice with a new sports team, a major milestone for her.  My wife lied about my supposed promise to take her, as well as about two separate conflicts she claimed to have.  I refused to take the bait, and my wife ended up taking her.  I started home, and that is when I told my wife I was on the train and the story in the post above picks up.

I decided not to go into the house because I thought my chances of going in to get belongings and coming out without a physical assault were low, and I wanted to pay it safe for everybody.  I do understand that last night I could have walked away without calling the police, and found a hotel as a pedestrian.  But with the background of physical abuse, disturbing incidents with my daughters, not having a home to go to, and then being stalked and physically blocked from driving to a hotel for a safe night sleep, I asked for help.  I specifically asked the police to help me get into my car without my wife in it, so I could drive away.  I still feel conflicted about calling the police, and if anyone can think of an alternative course I could have taken that makes sense with this background, I'd genuinely appreciate the feedback -- candid feedback on this board is wonderful, and I'd rather be a little embarrassed and know a better way than stay ignorant.

Skip, this has been a long post.  I hope it's not too long, and that I've provided all the background you were looking for.  If I've missed something that would be helpful to explain, please ask.  I appreciate all the time it takes to respond to posts like this, and am grateful.

OK... .thanks for the post.  I have a better idea of where you are at, an how you got there.

You said it... ."you are not good at boundaries".

Stay big picture:  You have allowed you wife to control many parts of your life.

Said another way, you have "trained" her that this is OK.  (I know it was not your intent... .but all the same... .we "train" people how to treat us)

Rolling that back is going to take time and effort. 

She is not going to like it

She has abandonment issues. 

Recent death has inflamed those.

Boy... .I'm really wondering (thinking outloud) if you switch things up and "listen" more or perhaps ask some gentle questions about her recent loss.  Have you ever done that?  Any "productive" conversations about her feelings of loss?

Either of you in therapy?  Ever?

How do you express empathy to her for her loss? 

I'll end by saying that the "dysfunctional dance" has been upset by the police call.  Rather than debate the merits of that call... .we should understand it's been done.  We are now in uncharted waters... .she knows it... .we should know it too.

Many of the other incidents "should have" (IMO) resulted in a police call.  Are you recording these things?

Man... .you are in a tough spot.  There is a legitimate real world stressor that ( the death) that is acting as "gas on an existing fire".

What can be done about that?  You know her best... .what can be done about that?

FF

Hey Radcliff, Needless to say, your need to call the police is a big red flag for your marriage.     Don't worry, you're not alone.  My BPDxW and I had some police visits, too.  Looking back, I think police involvement is one of those deal-breakers, though I didn't see it that way at the time.  It's a boundary I've since adopted: if there's a need to call the police, then I'm out of the r/s.  I'm not saying that you should necessarily adopt my boundary, but it might be something for you to think about.

LJ

Thank you for all this advice, it is on target and a huge help.  I have a lot to process, and frankly wish I had a day in a hotel room to read everything many times over and study the resources.  I won't have a lot of privacy for the next few days.  Hopefully on Sunday I'll have a window of privacy.  In the meanwhile, things are physically safe on this end, and I thank you.

P.S.  I used to keep an overnight bag in the trunk of my car with a change of clothes and a toothbrush, etc., just for emergencies.  The sad thing is, I had to use it a few times.  LJ

Looking back on the pathway of my relationship I can see times that I "upheld a boundary" (called police) and she saw it as an escalation (and still see's it/them as a betrayal).


My first call to police was before I ever knew such a thing as BPD existed (so no bpdfamily... etc etc)
There were a few other police calls before I knew about bpdfamily...

Shortly after I found this site and started attempting to use tools there is the "ff reports his wife to CPS". 

Also couple more phone calls to police... .by her.  No police response... just her calling the 911 operators to "tell on me"... I've listened to the recordings... .I personally and professionally know the people at 911... .my wife knew this.

Then... .we made a move close to my wife's FOO... and there has been one 911 call by me, with my wife and most of her FOO in the house wanting to kick me out so they could watch TV late at night. 

So... .couple points to this post. 

1.It's unlikely one call will be it.

2.The more you call... .the calmer and more automatic it is.

3. Knowing what I know now, I'm absolutely positive I could have avoided some of the calls by being proactive (like Skip was suggesting).

4.  Continued work on this site and a PhD level Psychologist that has my wife "figured out" (and me for that matter)... .have made all the difference.

5.  My wife is "against" my work with Psychologist and many of my "tools".  Even with that, my household is much... much calmer.

Hope this gives some perspective. 


FF

Hello, so it looks like my two big homework items are to create a "Safety Plan" and a "Recovery Plan."  I'm not going to be able to keep it all in my head, so I'll start up two documents for this.  Do you know where I might be able to see examples, or study up on them?  Here are some things I can think of that would go in the plans, though I'm not trying to be comprehensive:

SAFETY PLAN:
* Measures I'll take to be able to exit temporarily (e.g. "go" bag not in the house)
* A list of specific responses to specific boundary violations related to safety, so I'm not merely reacting inconsistently.  I will need responses for being trapped in a room, low level violence (trip, light kick or hit, hip bump), and higher level violence (hard kick or punch, tackling, etc.)

RECOVERY PLAN:
* A list of the most important boundaries to start enforcing (e.g., safety, sleep, undisturbed time at work, stopping manipulative manufactured crises with kids, especially involving impersonating the kids), along with stepped consequences
* What I can do to help her -- positive things

I am sure I'm leaving a lot out.  What else would go into these plans?

I would add the following, tweaked to your circumstances. Some of these items are to help you in the event things escalate quickly, and you find yourself suddenly ensnared in the family law or DV law system. And keep in mind that even if things escalate, a person with BPD may cool off and things can still return to baseline. The following items are to keep you safe and to also help you stay grounded in knowledge so that you can keep a level(er) head during a crisis.

*copy of all important legal/financial documents stored somewhere safe
*storage locker for nostalgic items that could get destroyed in a fit of anger
*name and number of DV lawyer somewhere that can safely be accessed
*name and number of DV counselor or hotline
*consultation with DV and family law attorney to understand how things work where you live
*separate credit card in your name only -- some way you can make purchases privately
*documentation of worrisome behaviors (like a Google calendar labeled where items are entered daily)
*journal of what is happening, or have a confidante journal what is happening
*therapist or counselor for the kids (if possible -- this can become hard to arrange after a split, if it comes to that)
*talk to family specialist/guidance counselor at school to establish third-party documentation about the well-being of the kids
*documentation of the hands-on parenting your do with your kids, like appointments, pick-ups, drop-offs, etc.

If you are worried she will track your actions through phone records, it might be worthwhile separating your plan (if they are shared), or buying a prepaid phone.

Some people also give their HR a heads up, or tell a boss. My boss suspected something and came to me, a best-case scenario. When my ex became dangerous, he contacted her (and others) and fortunately, they were somewhat prepared and went out of their way to create a safe workplace for me, including moving my office and taking my name off the door.

These are suggestions that may/may not apply to your situation.

Some things to possibly add to your safety plan might be:

Think about rooms to avoid when things seem to be escalating, such as the bathroom and kitchen.  Consider anywhere that poses more of a danger because of what is to hand in that space (such as tools in a garage) and put yourself ELSEWHERE if things start to heat up.  It's smart to recognise when the early warning signs occur so that you can put yourself into a safer space sooner rather than attempting this when it may be too late.  Use your communication skills to see if the situation can be diffused. 

Take a time out.  If it is clear that her temper is continuing to rise, get out of the house.  Make an excuse, such as having promised you'd take something to a friend, needing to go and buy something from the shop or taking the dog (if you have one) for a walk.  Exit calmly and politely.  Do not wait until things get out of hand.  Stay away for at least an hour.  This can allow emotions to settle down so that you may be able to return and resume a calmer discussion and move things forward in a healthier way.

Escape route.  This might sound obvious but look at your home, consider which are your safest routes out.  Keep these areas free from obstruction.  Cut extra keys if necessary for all exits and keep them with you at all times.  I always had a key on my person to both front and back doors as I was sometimes locked either in or out of my home.     

Speak to friends and family so they are aware of what is happening and can be available and understanding at short notice if you need support or somewhere to go.  Get agreement about what times of the day or night it is OK to turn up unannounced. 

Know where you are going to go.  Plan ahead so that in a heated situation you can keep your head straight and have a clear destination.  When exiting, take routes that do not give away that destination.  Take alternative roads or footpaths if you are without a vehicle for any reason.  Try to avoid going directly as the crow flies to where you are headed in case you are simply followed and the situation continues to rise.

In your go bag: 

Essential/important paperwork/ID, such as passport, insurance documents etc.  (it's individual but think about what you'd be really stuck without if it were destroyed/stolen)  Copies of documents you are unable to remove without raising unwanted questions, such as anything that is in joint names. 

Some cash and cards.

Spare keys for car and house.

I got a spare phone and ensured all the vital numbers were programmed in, including DV support service and 24 hour helpline.  Keep it charged and pack a phone charger.

Essential clothing and toiletries to last at least a couple of days.

Better to be safe than sorry.  I had the police on my street more times than I care to remember and it was ESSENTIAL that they were there.  Your own well being and safety is more important than what the neighbours might think.  In the same position, they would have police there too.

Love and light x