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Author Topic: She found emails from me catfishing on craigslist - she punched me in the face  (Read 407 times)
scuba_

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« on: October 16, 2017, 09:02:13 AM »

Hi. My wife has BPD and its been, well, you know.  I screwed up a few months ago and she found a couple emails from me catfishing on craigslist (like 6 different ones. No replys, no pics, never cheated, no emotional cheating, not once. I was drunk and made a mistake).  I had a deep feeling that this was not going to be recoverable and ultimately end us  She goes thru everything about 5 time a week (turn car upside down, go thru every possession I own, find any means to get onto my email or facebook and ravage it, and so on...  I have never cheated on her, other than the catfishing.  I put passwords on all my devices for one simple reason early into our marriage, she finds things that have no merit and I have to defend them on a daily basis.  Accusations of being with ex's, women that come to me for help related to work is automatically assumed I am sleeping with them and we will fight over this for 6 months or more about things with zero weight. Almost like schizophrina, these hunches of hers becomes a very real reality.  She is very religious, VERY. She is a recovering addict, 4 years clean.  Our marriage has been one long bad dream of hell, be 2 years in December. We dated for only 6 months and she did not have her children at the time.  After we got married, I helped get her kids back and things just went worse.

Well, divorce is pending just trying to figure out logistics, but changes daily for her as her mind set. One day telling me to leave in the extream manner we all know.  Get up to get water last week and came back to bed to a crazy women going thru my phone. Theres nothing to find. Never has been, no messages, no anything other than my dumbself catfishing.  

I am in recovery also. I relapsed about a year after dating. But, I don't come home drunk or drinking previously.  I smoke green trees because it helps me deal with her tremendously.  She hated my church and sabatoged it so I stopped going.  She goes now to a church that is great entertainment and nothing more. I don't go anymore.

I'm 38, I have 2 children and she has her 2. Mine live with their mom about 10 mins up the street.

Last night after falling asleep, she once again started going thru my stuff. Found a tablet, and opened messenger.  She found a message to a female that she thinks I am sleeping with or headed that way. There is zero truth to any of it.  I worked with her fiancé in music.  I record him and book shows.  All 4 of us were becoming friends until she started to think I was sleeping with her.  We fight over this (well she fights, I listen and say nothing unless she just wont stop)  She asked me to send delete her off my facebook. I already did before she asked. I volunteered that I also sent her a message and it says this "I need to unfriend u until she leaves.  Long story".  She didn't even respond back. I have no relationship with her. I'm sure it seemed odd to her that I would even unfriend her and send her a message, which I told my wife. Last night, she found this on messenger.

After I grapped the tablet, she punched me in the face, not slapped, punched and punched hard. I have never hit her, grabber her, nothing remotely close.  

What is my next move? Please ask any questions you want.

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« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2017, 10:24:32 AM »

Quick questions:

What is your definition of catfishing (there are several)?

When you say green tea, do you mean that literally (or are you talking about something other than tea - we have seen this term used multiple ways)?
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scuba_

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« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2017, 10:36:01 AM »

Thanks for asking.  I apologize for the confusion when you ask about tea. I said "green trees" to show respect to the board.  Im speaking of marijuana.

Catfishing: Went onto craigslist personals late at night and replyed to about 6 post from women looking for sexting or meeting up.  (turned out just to be fakes looking to steal your credit card info but that's beside the point because of my intentions).  I was hoping to flirt some but don't have the guts to meet anyone. Quickly found it stupid and moved past it.
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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2017, 10:45:24 AM »

OK, they were catfishing - you were trolling for some action.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

She asked me to send delete her off my facebook. I already did before she asked. I volunteered that I also sent her a message and it says this "I need to unfriend u until she leaves.  Long story".  

All these things will not be liked by any women. C reaction is aggressive (BPD-ish), but her feelings about this most likely parallel what any women would think.

Do you want to try to mend all this? It can be done.
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scuba_

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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2017, 11:27:29 AM »

Thanks Skip. No, I do not want a divorce. This was a mutual decision.  After she hit me and saw no merit to her accusation, she as always apologizes afterwards. This behavior happens about 5 times a week on the most extream level possible. She hitting me had only to do with the girl (T.) which she is so sure of that I am sleeping with.  She has no evidence to support anything remotely close to this.

About 2 months ago, a fellow female musician reached out and asked me to make a flyer.  I made the flyer and sent it back the same day.  No other convo. I have to defend myself about sleeping with her about every day.

About 3 months ago, a fellow artist came to record with his girlfriend in my studio.  She asked about a cat that I thought had no owner.  Found the owner, he said he didn't care.  Called her back and told her to come get the cat. She accuses me daily for having a relationship with her also.  None of which is remotely true.

I have many more stories.  I know I was in the wrong for catfishing. And it made it much worse on her.  But to punch me in the mouth like a man in the middle of the night after being asleep (she wakes me up to argue a good bit) over something not true at all is not cool.  I only defriended this women, T. and sent the message to because she asked me earlier that day.  In my line of work, reputation is everything.  Last week, I wanted to get her on the phone with some of the women she is accusing me of having an affair with thinking it would stop the madness.  Thinking they would get pissed off to and let her have it because they are being accused only because of me. I thought this thru and realized it would not help her feel any better, could make it worse, she will find other reasons to justify her behavior as always and the others would start spreading word about how crazy my wife is.

We have already made the choice to leave.  She flipflops her answers daily. Nobody wants a divorce, but I don't see any other options. Counseling is out cause she can't handle the heat. Been there a couple times, didn't work.
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« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2017, 01:27:57 PM »

We have already made the choice to leave.  She flipflops her answers daily. Nobody wants a divorce, but I don't see any other options. Counseling is out cause she can't handle the heat. Been there a couple times, didn't work.

You can reverse this - these decisions are not etch in stone. The first thing is for her to stop the physical abuse and for you to agree to let her see your private stuff (but with you present).  And lay low - don't reach out to women right now.
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« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2017, 02:13:09 PM »


All these things will not be liked by any women. C reaction is aggressive (BPD-ish), but her feelings about this most likely parallel what any women would think.


I respectfully disagree. At least in my experience the woman with a PD, feelings are facts. She feels like you cheated, then you cheated. She will never let that go. It will only get worse.
Your best hope is to get a 3rd party involved. See if she will agree to counseling. Then it is not you telling her it is both of you telling her. Therapist will help you build a plan to recover from this if she really wants to recover. 
Hopefully that will help.

My ex went through the same thing. I did nothing wrong. We had teenage boys in the house. So anytime something questionable was found in the computer history I got blamed for it.
I mean really, I think I know how to spell nekkid boobys correctly.
Never the less, she demanded I was a sex addict and go to counseling and to AA since there was no Sex addict programs in our area. She bought me workbooks to work through.
Yep I did it. That was like 2 years into our marriage. It never got better.
I jumped through all those hoops, never did anything wrong. She still verbally abused me over it for the whole 10 years and brought it up as the major issue in the divorce.

Every other relationship, none have been like that. They see something in browser history they laugh it off. They go through my phone from time to time, my email. It is always available to them. I welcome it.
In no other relationship have I ever been even accused of talking to another woman inappropriately.
Something bothers them, we talk about it, it is over and done.

So yeah things like that may upset any woman, but going through it with a PD woman is not the same as a normal unbroken mind.

But physical abuse is never ok. If she cannot stop then call the police and they can explain it to her.
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« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2017, 02:46:45 PM »

I respectfully disagree. At least in my experience the woman with a PD, feelings are facts.

Just to test this out.

If you found out you girlfriend was responding to sexting and hookup ads on Craigslist, you would be OK with this?

If you were concerned about a guy on her Facebook page and she wrote him a note that said, "I need to unfriend u until Hisaccount leaves.  Long story". You would be OK with this?

I can honestly say, I would leave my girlfriend over this and not think twice.

A lot of times we have members say, "she accused me of having an affair with ___, and we never did anything". Is that is a fair statement, if three weeks earlier we were active in Criagslist personals.

Hisaccount, in your marriage, what factual thing was at the root of your wife's distrust? Most times there is something.

But physical abuse is never ok. If she cannot stop then call the police and they can explain it to her.

Agreed. Hitting you in your sleep is scary stuff.
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scuba_

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« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2017, 02:58:13 PM »

We tried counseling for a bit but when the heat turned on her ,we stopped going.  When we met I was in AA.  She hated AA because she thought all I needed was God .Today she's in AA and im not.  Because I like to smoke green.  She did not like the church I was at so she Started going to another when all by herself And now is upset that I don't go with her and I can't stand the church.

I don't talk to any women .The reason I have password on my device's yes back to the beginning when I got tired of explaining ex girlfriends or anything she finds.  Like mentioned above ,her feelings become her reality.  I would love nothing more to not protect my devices but I feel the most comfortable in my car than in my house because I'm so violated on a daily basis.  

Now she is convinced that I do not support her or her children.  Uses the worst words u can imagine.  I've never been treated anywhere remotely close like this in my life. Tired  of being treated like the worst possible person on the planet.  My self esteem is gone what's of confidence is 0 and I'm starting believe the things she says daily.  

I told her through divorce I do not want any fighting or any dirty tricks .Last week she took all the money from my account.  She put it back after i called her out on it.  

,Here is why I just don't kick her out .Her 2 boys .They seen enough in life but I feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands .She doesn't make much money and insist that God will take care of her financially with his house were in .Everything in this house is mine and I pay all the bills .My landlord will not let that stand .And now she's refusing to make any plans because I have to leave supposedly .My landlord is calling her today to tell her she can't stay here folly because she's not on the lease.  As we all know they operate in extremes .My biggest fear is she comes home and moves into a shelter with her 2 boys cause she has already said it many times Also I have insisted I'm not doing that and find a plan .For her plan is for me to leave everything behind and Godt take care of her.  I don't know what to do.  I cant let my own kids come over right now.   Sure I could go back to a in church to please her for A-day but like everything else she will quickly findt another reason what's wrong with me, then her solition changes.  I'm not doing that anymore because it's pointless .
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scuba_

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« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2017, 03:09:38 PM »

Skip,

I agree with what you just said . I told her i would unfriend the women she had issue with.  So i did and told her exaclty what the messaage was maybe 5 hours earlier.  I have zero relationships with any women on any level.  You asked what send over the top and that was the craigslist emails. That took an already really bad problem into O my God .

It would be nice if we can discuss the things that I have actually done wrong instead of Her yelling at me over things that are only true in her head . I Understand how people are but when I say I don't get a full sentence in and without her completing my entire conversation, n that happens every single time

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scuba_

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« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2017, 03:11:52 PM »

For what it's worth the craigslist stuff was like 45 months ago, one night, 6? emails.  I know I have my side of the street but I'd like to talk about my side of the street with her instead of defending stuff that's not remotely true
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« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2017, 05:34:45 PM »

Excellent questions, but you are comparing my thinking to a pwBPD. Of course my thinking is normal and healthy.  Smiling (click to insert in post)



If you found out you girlfriend was responding to sexting and hookup ads on Craigslist, you would be OK with this?
Of course not and nobody should ever be okay with that.
But what happens next? I believe in a normal healthy relationship you talk about why she did what she did and will she do it again.
Re examine the relationship with her, maybe I am not meeting her needs and it is time to separate.
Basically, growth and prevention, or division.
No relationship could ever last with that kind of abuse and distrust.
If you decide to move forward with the relationship, then you must forgive and forget, but with forgiveness change is required. Damaging action must stop as well as the abuse.
My ex with BPD was not capable of forgiving or changing.
and maybe I unfairly lump all BPD into the same basket as my ex.

 


If you were concerned about a guy on her Facebook page and she wrote him a note that said, "I need to unfriend u until Hisaccount leaves.  Long story". You would be OK with this?

Not okay. That statement says I am coming back. Meaning I am most likely not putting everything into saving this relationship, nor am I changing my previous ways.
Totally in appropriate response healthy mind or not.

But a more healthy mind would have viewed the circumstances and never asked to have this person unfriended. So your question is moot.  

My view is different because I did have an ex that demanded I cut off all contact with not only women but men as well. I gave in and I should not have. But at the time we were still in the idealization phase and I never thought I needed anyone else.
Getting them back with her approval after was impossible.
I don't know what triggered her distrust. She is the one that cheated. I can't say I wish I knew because I don't want her back.

But then this thread isn't about me.

 


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« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2017, 05:45:33 PM »


It would be nice if we can discuss the things that I have actually done wrong instead of Her yelling at me over things that are only true in her head .


I feel for you. I have been in your shoes. One time during an argument I told my ex that I wish I had slept with all of those women she accused me of sleeping with.
Yeah, FYI don't go there. That led to a few more hours of how she was going to kill herself.

You have to tell her just what you wrote there. Maybe write her a letter. Is she wants to talk and can treat you decently then talk with her.
Don't continue to let her abuse you for the things you didn't do. I know it is just me, but I fell like when I did it was like an admission of guilt. Since I sat there and let her say those things to me I must feel guilty and deserve it when I did not.

If you want to save this, there is no better time than now to set some new ground rules. Then you both and grow moving forward with new boundaries. It may push her away, or she may see you are a strong person and be attracted to it.

Just my thoughts, I feel so sorry for what you are going through.
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scuba_

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« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2017, 07:18:31 PM »

Things have gotten worse today.  She sent a text out to at least 3 members of my family telling them these very things i mentioned above. My mom lost it cause she was taken back to a dark place when i went to rehab 8 years ago.  They quickly realized something was not right with her story. I have never told them about her illness until today because they dont live here and the truth is more than my mom can handle emotionally about my wife. 

My landlord called her today and said she has till the end of the month to leave.  Shes not on the lease. I hate doing that but why leave when she cant remotely afford and her plan is "God will provide"... .im so tired

Oh, i see everyones point about the message i sent telling her why i was unfriending.  We were all friends at one point.  Her and her fience use to come over daily.  They stopped because of her.  Now we dont talk anymore.  Thats why the message. 
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« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2017, 08:21:11 PM »

Oh, i see everyones point about the message i sent telling her why i was unfriending. 

Yes. We are not saying you are doing anything wrong. We are saying that this would appear very suspicious to a partner.
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scuba_

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« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2017, 08:40:39 PM »

Well, we can close out the day.  She confessed to it all being bs. Knowing after the major allegations she made, having zero proof after endless time spent looking for evidence, she admits it all. She explained how she is treating me as if i literally were her ex husband. She says she is acting and lying out of fear. Got it on tape so i could let my parents side here.  I feel like the devil but damn, i have to clean up this mess.  Ive already had to confess my actual sin today, so enoughs enough. This is all a major shock and news to them. They never knew about her BPD. They are about to hear more than enough on tape and i feel terrible.  And that feeling of terror they felt today is how many feel everyday to one degree or another, and that sucks too. And it sucks even more for people like my wife. I feel so bad for people that suffer with this. 
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« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2017, 07:34:51 AM »

They are about to hear more than enough on tape and i feel terrible.  


It is okay to feel this way. I had a really hard time admitting to people that my wife was having trouble and my life was not as perfect as they all thought it was.

But you have to remember, these people, like your parents. They love you no matter what. They are your support system. They need to know these things.
You can get a divorce but you are still stuck with your family.
Same with all of your friends, they are your support system. You have been to AA so hearing some of the stories there and yet everyone accepts them. Supports them.

It sounds like you made good progress as much as it may hurt.

Yes. We are not saying you are doing anything wrong. We are saying that this would appear very suspicious to a partner.

Yes, just trying to show how we all could maybe better communicate with less drama in the future.
I have done and said plenty of things that seemed okay to me, but it wasn't.
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