Hi, new here.. A grown son with BPD

[kika]

My son, now in his 30-s, has been diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. Until then we thought his main problem was addiction. He started using drugs as a teenager, and never really quitted, just replaced one substance by another. His functioning deteriorated as the years went by, despite many efforts made by our family to help him. Despite being very intelligent, he never even finished highschool and had not have a job for many years. He lives on his own, while I support him financially, and morally, which is not easy, since he suffers from mood swings, wild rages and sometimes paranoid fears. He keeps blaming us - his parents - for every misfortune, while demonstrating black and white thinking - I am being alternately idolized and condemnded as the worst person on earth. All this is extremely exhausting, as it has been going on for over 20 years, and I feel it is taking my life over. Thank you for this forum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcome Kika:

It is not easy living with someone who has BPD... .for sure!  My uBPD daughter is now 51 so it has been a long haul for me.  While each of our situations are different, the frustration is the same.
 
There are no immediate answers but, thankfully, there is more and more information now to help us parents and having a forum like this to air our frustrations can be so, so helpful in releasing some of our stress... .finding we are not alone... .getting the strength to make positive changes.

Our daughter started toying with drugs in her early teens and while some can go through that phase and come out of it with no lingering effects, I don't believe that is the case for all.  Their brains are just developing and the drugs can be a trigger to life-long mental problems.  Such is the case with her.

I nod my head a lot as I read your post.  I know of what you write!

So, the best advice I can give you, Kika, is to make sure to look after yourself.  At the right of this screen you will see all sorts of great information.  For instance... .see "Tools... .communicate boundaries and limits."  Important!  Your son is capable of making choices... .and so are you.  Your well-being in life is just as important as his.

Hope we hear more from you, Kika, as we help each other along on this journey.

[livednlearned]

He lives on his own, while I support him financially

That is fortunate you can do that -- it's a serious disability and he may not be able to function in a meaningful way just yet. In a NEA-BPD Family Connections class, I remember they referred to BPD as a potentially fatal disease  and encouraged us to not use the word "enable" because for many parents there, "enabling" was the difference between their child being alive.

Altho I think the word coaching is what we're going for  

he suffers from mood swings, wild rages and sometimes paranoid fears. He keeps blaming us - his parents - for every misfortune, while demonstrating black and white thinking - I am being alternately idolized and condemnded as the worst person on earth.

It is really about him and his mood states -- they feel real and it can be hard to sort out what is real, what isn't.

How do you respond when he blames you for his misfortunes? There are some helpful communication skills that might be effective. I have found it takes some trial and error to figure out which ones work.

And what Huat says about taking care of yourself is so true! With a BPD loved one, taking care of yourself takes on a whole new meaning. In order to be an emotional leader, you have to have a full cup. When my SD20 lives with us, I guard my well-being carefully so that I can engage with her in a meaningful way. If it feels like she is being passive-aggressive (her style), I take that as a cue she needs to ride the roller coaster, and we can pick up when things are a bit more grounded. I don't try to debate anything with her because it's futile and likely to change. Instead I try to find something about her feelings I can validate and then focus on taking care of myself while letting her know I will be there at some other time, to avoid triggering too much of her abandonment fears.

It's a balancing act that does get a bit easier with practice.

Hugs to you, Kika.  

You are not alone.

LnL