helping a partner with BPD symptoms to accept help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear all,

A few months ago the pieces of the puzzle of understanding my wife fell together when my brother-in-law (a psychologist) suggested her symptoms were those of BPD. I have read a number of posts by people in similar situations that give me the impression that hers are relatively light, at least the outbursts of aggression and violence are relatively short and not too frequent (although this of course varies a lot). But with two small children (1,5 and 4 years old), I realise that 1) her symptoms start to affect the children (my wife can insult them, and our eldest has learned from her to insult me),  and 2) me walking on my toes harms the quality/reciprocity of our relationship.

She can herself say "I am a psycopath", "I need to see a shrink", but as soon as someone else (i.e. me , a good friend or her own mother) acquiesces to that or in other natural situations mentions the idea of seeking professional help, she refuses. Generally it's like pushing a "violent outburst" button - a quiet and nice conversation turns nasty, she behaves instantaneously like a hedge-hog. (Btw, she doesn't know that her brother diagnosed her symptoms as BPD - he lives in their country of origin and they have not spoken to each other since they got into a violent argument three years ago.)
 
I manage the situation thanks to her mother although she also lives in their country of origin - when things get bad I text her mother and suggests she calls, which always helps calm things down.

So: Does anyone have any experience with something similar? Is there anything I (or her mother) can do other than giving her love and reassurance? Is there any point at all regularly mentioning the "seek help" argument when the moment seems opportune (i.e. when she is in a constructive, calm mood and the argument would fit naturally into the conversation), or should we stop with that completely?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[anchor]

Dear all,

A few months ago the pieces of the puzzle of understanding my wife fell together when my brother-in-law (a psychologist) suggested her symptoms were those of BPD. I have read a number of posts by people in similar situations that give me the impression that hers are relatively light, at least the outbursts of aggression and violence are relatively short and not too frequent (although this of course varies a lot). But with two small children (1,5 and 4 years old), I realise that 1) her symptoms start to affect the children (my wife can insult them, and our eldest has learned from her to insult me),  and 2) me walking on my toes harms the quality/reciprocity of our relationship.

She can herself say "I am a psycopath", "I need to see a shrink", but as soon as someone else (i.e. me , a good friend or her own mother) acquiesces to that or in other natural situations mentions the idea of seeking professional help, she refuses. Generally it's like pushing a "violent outburst" button - a quiet and nice conversation turns nasty, she behaves instantaneously like a hedge-hog. (Btw, she doesn't know that her brother diagnosed her symptoms as BPD - he lives in their country of origin and they have not spoken to each other since they got into a violent argument three years ago.)
 
I manage the situation thanks to her mother although she also lives in their country of origin - when things get bad I text her mother and suggests she calls, which always helps calm things down.

So: Does anyone have any experience with something similar? Is there anything I (or her mother) can do other than giving her love and reassurance? Is there any point at all regularly mentioning the "seek help" argument when the moment seems opportune (i.e. when she is in a constructive, calm mood and the argument would fit naturally into the conversation), or should we stop with that completely?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

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[pearlsw]

Hi anchor,

Welcome to the family! So your brother-in-law gave you some insights that brought you here? That's really good to have some clarity. There is a lot to read here and it sounds like it is time to dig in! On the right there are some Basic Tools that are incredibly helpful. You might especially like ":)on't be Invalidating": https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating because it will help you tune in to your wife's emotions better and give you ideas about how to speak with her, but after that try reading Understanding your partner's behaviors: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187.

Many of us here have partners who are emotionally sensitive and know how hard it can be at times. You will also find that there are many stories of people here who do not, for one reason or another, have access to therapy for these issues but are able to make some improvements nevertheless. What I have found is that just making some adjustments myself regarding how I understand and interact with my husband helps a lot! I am able to see enough positive changes to give me hope, so don't be totally discouraged if you can't get her into therapy - that may or may not happen and only you can decide if that is a "dealbreaker" or not.

Since you also have kids you may want to look on the board that is working on this topic (Child development and Parents with Mental Illness): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0  The issue of verbal abuse directed towards the children is serious and must be addressed. Perhaps a more senior member, or someone who spends time on the Family Skills Board, can provide us instruction on this and help us find all available resources. Is this something your brother-in-law could provide insight with?

Keep posting and asking questions - they help all of us to learn and improve our situations!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi anchor,

Welcome ,

I'd just like to second what pearlsw said. It can be very difficult to talk to our pwBPD about getting therapy. I've been trying for years. One thing I've started doing is to stop pushing it on my H. He knows he needs help. He knows that his life is out of control, but the second I try to push it on him, he gets angry and resistant.

So over the last few months, when his life gets so out of control that he admits he needs help, I use those opportunities to talk about therapy. Since it's his idea, he is more open to it. A few weeks ago, he agreed that therapy will help him. Of course, by the time I found the resources for DBT, his drama had subsided and he doesn't think he needs it now. So I wait again. And next time he crashes then I'll wait for him to suggest he needs help and get the appointment made immediately.

Think of it as baby steps. One thing that I think is important is to make sure you are not treating them like a problem to be fixed. That's when my H gets most resistant. Until that time, check out all of our workshops. There are lots of communication tools that can help you begin to work on improving your relationship.

[walkinthepark247]

I've learned to simply throw my hands up as it pertains to getting my spouse into therapy. She does currently see a counselor. However, I have concerns that the counselor really gets the "full picture". Often, my spouse will come back from these counseling sessions even more keyed-up and agitated than she was before. I imagine that it is because she spends the entire time hashing out what an evil, horrible human being I am. At least, that's been my general impression.

Whenever I have ever pleaded / begged / asked politely / hinted at the request that she seek professional help, it's always turned around that I am the one who truly needs mental help and I am crazy for even suggesting she needs help. She likes to remind me that I take anti-depressants. "See, and I don't even take medication! You're the crazy one!"