Seeing her friday for the first time since the breakup ...help?

[dreamslender]

Hey everyone, I just found this board last night and boy do I wish I had learned some of these skills before I reached this point with my SO.

A little background: We met online Nov 1 of last year, and after talking for a little over a month we met and our relationship moved very quickly. She is by far the most interesting, kind, and attractive human I have ever met, although this does not seem uncommon with pwBPD. She was diagnosed with BPD in highschool, but I believe she is highly functioning as it's not so easy to pick up on. She also worked/s in the adult entertainment industry which I feel only adds to her dysfunction.

We had a 'too good to be true' relationship right up until the first time I expressed that there were things I'd like to improve which imo led to her believing I was doubting the relationship. Previous to this we never fought or argued, and after we did have a series of  minor conflicts that ended in our first real "fight" where a ___y comment I made led to her raging and packing her bags. She admitted she only wanted to break up in the moment and I convinced her to think on her decision. That night I had to take her to her parents' 2 hrs away (due to other reasons). A couple days later she decides she wants to be with me, move in officially as planned (my lease is up nov 1), and be exclusive/official.

Two nights later I messed up big time, I went out with a friend I didn't know well and either blacked out or was drugged, and for some reason texted her that I was already home while I was actually leaving the bar... .of course my car ran out of gas and my messages to her made no sense, so when I made it home at 5am she called and said it was truly over. I was honestly in disbelief, and we remained in contact after. She said she wasn't doing well mentally and needed to "run"... .back to LA of course but insisted she wanted to see me when she got back. Unsurprisingly she spent the weekend with her exbf and had sex with him, and was 'positive' on her decision when she returned and no longer felt a need to see me. She claimed she missed her flight home and had no time to see me, as she was leaving for Korea for 3 weeks just a couple days later. Before leaving for Korea she texted normally until something set her off.

She told me she'd text me before she got on her flight to Korea and never did. I let her have space and went nc, but to my surprise she texted me on Oct 7th saying "hey- I get back on the 14th. did you still want to meet up sometime or no?"

We made plans to meet this Friday, and I left it at that. I know this girl is a handful, but I'm so insanely in love with her that I want her back. She hasn't painted me black (at least not to the degree I see on here). I believe that the main reason for our breakup was due to her fear of engulfment set off by her mentioning being official. When she got back from LA she told me her reason for breaking up was this -

"I'm a great deal happier alone. I know I was busy but even when I had alone time I felt more myself. Not that you took that from me, but its not what I'm looking for in a r/s. I think you're right about me having problems with conflict in a relationship, but I don't think that's a bad thing and I now know what I'm looking for in a r/s"

I feel like I'm crazy because literally the day before all this went down we were discussing how we'd decorate our new place and she was telling me how in love she was and that our r/s was stronger than her parents who have been together for two decades. She wanted to spend all her time with me, so I don't understand how she could think she's suddenly happier on her own?


TLDR- Dated girl for 10mo, great r/s. Didn't want to be 'labelled' and feared commitment, but chose to live with me after a few months due to 2hr distance. Things were good until I brought up doubts and it led to our first fight. Dumped me in the heat of the moment, wanted me back and wanted to be gfs, then a few days later changed her mind again due to a mistake I made. Went to LA then Korea, nc for weeks, asked if I wanted to meet up. Seeing her Friday.


If anyone has ANY advice on how I can best handle my meeting with her Friday, I would greatly appreciate it. Should I wait to hear from her or should I initiate contact to confirm?

I plan to let myself be happy to see her, mirror her mood, validate and let her control the interaction, keep it light and confirm that I still love her and want her in my life ONCE.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I think that most of us here get the "I feel like I'm crazy because... ." part. We are often left scratching our heads trying to figure out what just happened. It helps to remember that people who present BPD traits often react out of impulsivity to their emotions. It is just as confusing to them as it is to us. 

I agree with most of your plan. I'm not sure that I would mention anything relationship oriented unless she brings it up first though.

It is possible that you are correct about enmeshment, so even dipping your toe in those waters may not be the best plan.

Another possibility is that when you started talking about things that you'd like to see improve, that triggered an abandonment fear. This is another reason to avoid relationship talk unless she starts it.

Validating is good, but not being invalidating is equally as important.

[dreamslender]

Thank you for the advice! I plan only to ask her about her trip and to 'catch up', anything about our relationship or the breakup will be off limits unless she brings it up or asks me to speak on it.


I honestly don't have much to say about the relationship or how things ended. At first I was desperate for closure and a chance to speak to her, but now I don't feel like that. It was a blessing that we did not meet up weeks ago when I was quite emotional. In my opinion, things with her were mostly healthy and I'm very aware now of what I could have done better. I don't expect or need an apology or explanation from her. I also will not bring up reconciling at all.


I am only hoping to make this a positive interaction for the both of us, and to show her that I can be a reliable source of safety for her going forward. I know she probably wants to be friends, so my goal is to keep communication open so she can return if she ever wants to. I originally planned to tell her that I love her and want her, but unless she seems very receptive I will instead attempt to show her through my actions instead.

[dreamslender]

Thought I would give an update ans perhaps someone may be able to offer advice.

I went to see her last night, we sat in her room and caught up. She brought me some small gifts from her trip. She asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about and I said not in particular. She seemed friendly and happy to see me and I was focused on mirroring her and keeping things light.

We discussed being friends and I did tell her I still love her and want to be with her and of course she told me she hasn't changed her mind. She seemed surprised I brought back some things she had left with me. She told me she missed talking to me and when I left we kind of clung to each other and hugged for a long long time.

We talked some today over text. I asked if she was happier now than with me and she said yes. I really just want her to be happy but honestly I still want her back.

She also mentioned 'friends' were coming into town next week. I realized it's actually her ex from an IG post. I'm not sure if he's her current fp or if she's going back to him.

I may be in her area next weekend and I'm wrestling with the idea of asking to see her. I feel hopeless and desperate which is a shame because last night I felt confident and optimistic before seeing her.

[dreamslender]

Jack,

Thank you so much for your insight. I can definitely see that you may be on to something. She absolutely keeps in touch with nearly all her old love interests, something I did find odd when we started dating. She was single to my knowledge for about a year before we started dating. For what it's worth, her trip to Korea was with family and she only spent time with family,, although clearly she was speaking to her ex while she was there.

She absolutely sees men as dumb and easily manipulated. I'm actually a woman, which confuses me as to why she's suddenly showing an interest in her ex after her many 'men are trash' rants and claiming she's now gay. My only saving grace is that he lives across the country so I have distance on my side for the next few months at least. I am currently following her on social media and she knows I can see what she posts. She deleted me weeks ago.

I wouldn't be surprised if she splits me in the future and reaches out to rekindle something considering we had a great relationship and a strong connection. She told me many times she's never loved anyone like me, or tried or wanted to spend forever with someone until now.

Im sure you're  right about her running again if I get her back though, although I know I wouldn't ever be able to turn her down.

[Jack_50]

Apologies for misunderstanding your gender, need to read more careful next time.

You really hit it off with her, because you were in the infatuation phase.  She was looking for something new (different than guy-jerks), hence why it clicked so well.

Every new relationship is perfect in the beginning, because we all show our best sides, and hide our less-best ones.

I also believe that this hypnotic attraction is part of a natural process, and based on hormones, to encourage bonding to allow reproduction.  Not very romantic, but it gives an explanation why we see everything through pink glasses in new relationships.

In her case, this is also playing a role, as she is looking for that thrill of a new relationship.  It is why she will always move on to greener pastures, once the perfect picture starts to break down.   Or try to re-kindle the infatuation she experienced in the past with her ex.

Addicted to love hormones, I think that is another factor in her behavior as well.

So be careful, and watch your step if you don't want to get hurt.



Jack

[dreamslender]

Thank you for your advice. She has never been with a partner longer than a year, or even made it to a one year mark to my knowledge. Nov 1 would have been a year for us. So whether it's a fear of abandonment or enmeshment, she does seem to have a pattern of not being able to move into a commitment phase. Only good thing about her ex is he lives across the country and after this week, she won't be seeing him for months to my knowledge.

I do believe that if I had not made so many mistakes, she would still be with me. However, I'm not naive enough to think she won't run again if I manage to get her back. Now that I've seen her and established an open channel for communication, I suppose there's not much for me to do.

I'm going to be right by her city (2hours away) this weekend, and I'm really considering letting her know I'll be passing through to see if she'd want to see me? Or does that sound like pushing?

[dreamslender]

I was offered this advice from a counselor, I figured I'd post it here for others to perhaps benefit from or interpret. Do you think is a good plan?

 I think there are various stages of this situation, beginning with one partner leaving. I recall that there were reasons why she was attracted to be with you. Those reasons are not gone, but overlayed with reasons she has for getting away. As long as she is moving away you probably want to focus on turning her around – to reconsidering you. Best plan I know at this stage is to a) not do anything negative such as pushing things, b) take care of yourself so that your emotions are expressed but don’t become a negative to her, c) learn more and more about what negative things you’ve done, who taught you to do them, how to replace them with better behaviors, d) be very gentle if she appears to turn toward you – don’t go back to the old way. Now that means you keep in contact with her but not pushily. For many people this becomes a bit like a very short email once-a-week. I don’t like “no contact”. I don’t want her to think you don’t care at all. But you don’t have to do much to remind her that you are here, wanting to connect with her and do better, but are being patient.

Of course you want her to change her mind, but don’t want her to lie about changing her mind. Her telling her truth is something I think you want to reward even if you don’t like her “truth”. Think of conversation with numbers of words or sentences, and who is “sending” and who is “listening.” So think of words you sent to her and the words she sent to you. Plan on shifting to 5 to 1, five words from her or sentences and one from you. I think you want to learn to encourage her to share mostly and you share just a little bit and then what you share is short and condensed. That leaves you “listening” a lot.

[Meili]

I think that the advice is spot on, and quite a bit like what you'd receive around here for the most part. We tend to add things like listening with empathy and validate.

[dreamslender]

Thank you, I'm going to try to do my best to learn as much as I can. I do have a tendency to love intensely and I know that using my head now is my best bet for success- either with my ex or otherwise.

I have decided I'll let her know that I'm passing through her city this weekend- so we'll see how this goes. I have a feeling IF I do manage to begin again with her, it will be a long process.

[Meili]

I would be inclined to argue that thinking with a Wisemind would be your best chance for success in whatever you do. Thinking with too much logic or emotions is a bad plan. Striking a balance between the two with give you the best results.

[Jack_50]

Keep us posted.

You're on your way figuring out what you want in life; the best approach in my opinion.

It looks like she has a lot to figure out too; not sure if she's ready for it yet, but empathy and listening will be critical in the process.


Jack

[CookieMonster80]

Hey dreamslender,

I feel like I am in the same position with my ex gf right now. We are currently separated and one day she will state she is not ready for a relationship, but the next she is claiming she wants to be with me forever. It gets very confusing over time. Like you, I am madly in love with her and want to make things work. If you ever feel like talking more I am always here 

[dreamslender]

Thank you everyone for the support and kind words. I’m beginning to realize that this process with her is going to take much longer than I anticipated. As much as others have advised that she likely will not be back and I need to move on, I just can’t bear to give up.  This girl talked about being on our deathbed together, I refuse to believe that just two months later she no longer has any feelings for me and sees no hope for a future.

I think it’s frustrating for us because in a normal situation, I’d have confidence of the outcome. I feel like the rules are all different with her and I have to plan every action so carefully. She told me at the beginning of our relationship that she might run away from me, but she’d always tell me where she was going and would always come back. I didn’t understand what she meant at the time, but now it repeats in my head again and again. Did she know she would do this?

I’m dying to ask her how she feels about me, if she still loves me or wants me? But I know asking would be no use. It’s just strange to me how much she can turn it off or pretend she’s over things. Or maybe she’s dissociating? When I saw her Friday she kept telling me that her brain was like mush and she would get lost starting at her tapestry or the vents in the ceiling. I got the impression that she was somewhere else mentally (another reason I chose not to speak on our r/s).

I’ll keep updating this thread. Either I’ll be able to get her back soon since we’ll be stuck in the same state for a few more months, or it’ll be a lot longer. If nothing else, I know that as time passes and I go off and have adventures, she’ll be more willing to see me to reconnect.

[dreamslender]

Well... .

not the best update today. It's a hard, hard day today. It does give me a little bit of comfort knowing you've all probably been here.

She updated her IG this morning with pictures of her and her ex, knowing that I can see it all. I deleted her, I couldn't stomach it.

So I won't be texting her again. I don't think there's anything I can do. I read on another thread that once your exBPD has moved on and has a new FP, there's nothing that can be done until they become devalued.

I know I'll hear from her again, but I don't even care anymore. This was the biggest slap in the face from her and she has to know how it hurt me. My family is worried about me so I might just move to my hometown next month until it gets warm and I can travel.

[Jack_50]

Sorry to hear it didn't turn out as you expected.

Life has a tendency to go in a different direction than our dreams, quite frustrating at times.

Vent here if you need, this is a support board.


Jack

[DeltaBravo]

Dreamslender,

I was following your story and cheering for you silently as I am a new member myself and did not have enough experience to advice.

I send you loads of positive energy and just because the outcome was not as expected you should focus on yourself an who knows what happens in the future if you are interested to still have her in your life.

Hang in there , and thanks for sharing the counselor information. I found it very useful.

[Meili]

I am acutely aware of how things like that hurt dreamslender. I'm sorry. 

I do agree with DeltaBravo though; now is the time to focus on yourself and let the future take care of itself.

I'm not sure what you've been reading, but I can tell you from personal experience that it isn't always the case that you have to wait for the other person to be devalued. You just need to be the more attractive option.

[dreamslender]

Jack, DeltaBravo, Meili,


Thank you so much for all of your support. It's comforting to know that you've been here and felt heartbreak like this. I'm not sure what it is about this relationship that made it feel like an addiction, but I am looking forward to getting a fresh start and focusing on my own dreams and independence.

Thank you DeltaBravo for the positive energy, I'll send some back your way as well. I appreciate your optimism. You're correct that I can't predict the future and I do know well that you never know how things may turn out. As much as I decided yesterday that I was done with her... .I can't say what would happen if we reconnected months or years down the line. I know I'd give her another chance in a heartbeat, and I'm sure she knows that too.


Meili,  I think you make a very good point, one that I did not consider. Even more incentive to put my energy into myself to be the best I can!