Unknown Triggers and benign Statements

[Parents! Get help here!]

How do we know the triggers that set off a meltdown?
 This last weekend I asked my BPD daughter if she could stay a bit longer and she went off on me. Said I was trying to make her feel guilty.

We were having a good day and her laptop started acting up , I figured Id ask her to stay a while longer to make up for the lost time when we played a game. Then she kept dumping on me and said she wanted nothing to do with me, and that we werent going to have holidays together. This seems to happen every time we are doing something good, for some reason she sabotages things.

Im brokenhearted over this. She has ignored me on Father's Day. I dont know what to do, I cant get her help because she and her mother think I interfered with the last therapist. I didnt.

My soul is breaking.

[Soc]

How do we know the triggers that set off a meltdown?
 This last weekend I asked my BPD daughter if she could stay a bit longer and she went off on me. Said I was trying to make her feel guilty.

We were having a good day and her laptop started acting up , I figured Id ask her to stay a while longer to make up for the lost time when we played a game. Then she kept dumping on me and said she wanted nothing to do with me, and that we werent going to have holidays together. This seems to happen every time we are doing something good, for some reason she sabotages things.

Im brokenhearted over this. She has ignored me on Father's Day. I dont know what to do, I cant get her help because she and her mother think I interfered with the last therapist. I didnt.

My soul is breaking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LifeinOZ]

I'm so sorry! It is heartbreaking. I wish I had some great advice and words of wisdom. My stepdaughter does this to her dad... .she will say the meanest things like, "I didn't get you a father's day card because I stood there reading all of them and none of it is true." Then, she'll post BEST DAD EVER on facebook! It leaves my head spinning.

Take deep breaths and know that you are not in this alone.

[Soc]

My head is spinning as well. I was ignored for Father's Day and may be for my birthday and the upcoming holidays.

I dont get it. Im a good parent.

I cant even get her Psychiatric help because her mother doesnt want to. Thats the problem with Joint Custody.

[Wanttounderstand]

Triggers happen so often with a BPD young adult that I have actually started talking less... .I find that not reacting and letting time go by is much better than engaging her.

My first holiday where she would not come home for Christmas left me in tears over every Christmas song. I had to cancel a dinner I had planned for Christmas Eve because I couldn't pull myself together for company.

Then there are the missed birthdays, Mother's Day calls etc... .Each one hurt like crazy, but now I just don't even hope for a call or text. I KNOW she is gone and it's not going to happen.

I did text my daughter on her 25th birthday. I kept it light and didn't expect a response which was good because I didn't get one. Lowering expectations helps a lot.

[Huat]

Great advice from Wanttounderstand and I especially agree when she writes "Lowering expectations helps a lot."  What a relief it can bring when you are able to do that and, in turn, it does change the dynamics in any relationship.

Over the years, our daughter has gotten more bang-for-her-buck on those special occasion days... .birthdays, anniversaries, etc... .so many going up in smoke because of one of her meltdowns.  She was going to host Christmas dinner one year... .phoned Christmas Eve and cut us out of her Christmas because of something (what?) I did that made her angry.  Yeah, that one hurt a lot.

So, SOC, you have come to the right place to air your frustrations... .find that others walk in similar shoes... .gain skills to better deal with the behaviours that BPD's display.  Hope you keep posting.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Soc

So sorry to hear you still haven’t managed to get your daughter back into therapy. You say your daughter and her mother have both accused you of interfering in past therapy, if that is your main stumbling block to getting your daughter back into therapy, maybe you need to just take a step back and agree to distance yourself in order to facilitate her getting back into therapy. I know your daughter means the world to you and that you would do whatever you can to be the best father you can be for your daughter.

You said that the other weekend when you asked your daughter if she could stay a bit longer, she went off on one. This is just my take on it, but I’m wondering whether your asking for her to stay longer came across to her as you being needy.
It does seem though that your asking was the trigger.

[beady]

I've given up trying to figure out what triggers my undiagnosed daughter's anger. I figure that she's going to find something in what I say, no matter how unconfrontational I make my conversation with her, result in a fuss. So, like others, I either don't respond ( which often makes her even angrier) or keep it light so there's less to feed her emotions. Yeah, it hurts to have the significant holidays go by without even a word from her, but we were never a family to place lot of emphasis on holidays, so it maybe hurts a little less than it might others, but it still hurts. Like any good parent, we did what we thought was right to bring up our children, and it feels like we were a colossal failure. I try to keep in mind that my daughter is hurting more than I will ever know, and that she can't help that she feels unloved and cared for, despite the fact that it is so far from the truth. Her reality is not my reality, and I hope and pray every day that somehow she will eventually come to see how strong my/our love is for her. Keep posting here. It's the best place to share your pain.

[Soc]

No matter how much I or others post and share our pain, we walk alone with it. people talk about walking on eggshells, it feels more like dancing on a rusty razor blade to music I cant hear, and Im doing the wrong dance and not fast enough. I feel like ive failed somewhere as well.

When I asked my daughter to stay a bit longer, it was due to her laptop having an issues, I asked her tosay so we could finish the game we were playing, quite benign.I have no idea as to why, she went off, I was trying to ease her frustration over the laptop, and it may have seemed needy to her.  I am needy these days, a simple word of kindness, a lousy I love you, from her, I miss being called Daddy, that is almost more than I can hope for these days. All I have going now is prayer, hopefully God will fix this and all of us. Im sure there are and were some bad parents,but not all of us. There are like 18 million families affected by this. How horrible is that?