ENd of Marriage and Feel Like I'm Going Insane

[delusional]

Hi there,

Newbie post here. It's long winded I know so I appreciate any responses very much!

So I've been married for a year, together 9 years total with someone that has been diagnosed high anxiety and OCD but not BPD but I'm seeing many signs of it. There has always been a lot of conflict in our relationship in regards to him stepping over boundaries of respect but let me deal with the last year that we've been married and where it all went downhill. It start 9 months ago after a small surgery he had. He started having panic attacks that forced him to be unable to work. In those 9 months he has seen therapists and is currently getting into a program for anxiety. It has been a fight over those nine months just to get him to do dishes and nothing else so I have been stressed working full time plus overtime and then coming home to a dirty house and at least every other weekend he would have a severe panic attack which would involve screaming, crying, saying no one loves him, threatening suicide so this has been wearing on me and his parents intensely. All our arguments seem to escalate so quickly. He doesn't listen, constantly talks over me and will not let me leave to deescalate the situation. If I walk away he follows me and talks over me and it gets so aggravating. I'm not saying that I'm an angel, when I feel trapped and he won't let me leave, I will start to get angry and start in on him and I've said things I regret so I will totally take my part in that. In the recent months, the fights have been so severe that he has punched a hole in the wall, broken my phone and stolen my credit card in "retaliation" (as he puts it) for things I've said during a fight. Since that time I have withdrawn, thinking that once he is done his anxiety program, I will start a separation process because this isn't healthy however, I recently found out through his facebook page (he is logged in on facebook all the time on our computer) that he has been talking with an ex complaining about our marriage and more often than not just flat out complaining about me as a person. That is the final straw for me after all of this. I have been paying bills while he's been off work, dealing with his outbursts, breaking things, stealing things and now he's talking to an ex about all his marriage problems. So I told him I need to look into divorce and separation and he has gone off the deep end. Threatening suicide multiples times... .all the while I find out he's still complaining to the ex the entire time he's threatening suicide and last night he says he's going to the psych hospital to commit himself. Come to find out this morning from the doctor, they were going to commit him but he refused... .? And in talking to him hours ago, he's asking why I'm doing this to him and that his friends on facebook are concerned about him (after he posted about committing himself) and he says it's nice to know there are people that actually care about him... .which angers me so much after all me and his family have been through with him in the last few months. So no matter what I'm done. I'm going downhill mentally and need to look out for myself at this point.

So I guess my question is two fold... .one) from just this brief explanation of his behaviors do people who have experience with BPD think he displays characteristics of it? If so, I'd like to maybe bring it to his doctor's attention and perhaps my husband (soon to be ex) can get more specialized attention. two) Am I partially to blame here or am I going crazy? If I didn't get angry during our fights and say things I regret maybe he would be doing better? I just need some support. I feel like I'm slowly losing it right now. Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi there!

Welcome to the family. I first want to say I am sorry that you and your partner are having such a hard time. It sounds very painful and confusing and you feel like he has gone too far. It is extremely hard to understand our partner's behaviors. I have found that a huge dose of compassion makes a big difference. Okay, so I wouldn't do or say things he does at times, okay, but can I relate to the feeling? Can I even identify the feeling? When I can than things make more sense and I can judge less and do more to be helpful.

I was also walking around in the past thinking I could communicate well and he could not so therefore = all his fault and I just tossed it in his lap to solve some days. But you know what? My communication skills were rusty and I needed a total reboot on them. This site is amazing because it has free/easy/fast stuff you can use/practice today that will keep things on your side of the relationship at a better level. So, "are you [we] partly to blame?" Well, yeah, we are part of the communication and while it is understandable we are frustrated and confused, once we know what's up, we have to improve ourselves and give our best. We can't just be mad at them, fold our arms, withdraw, and make them fix the relationship on their own for us. I tried and that didn't work! My suggestion is to work on your own communication mistakes - that is the fastest thing and what you have control over in life. Take that seriously. It could deescalate things just enough that you can get to other issues on the plate here.


With a compassionate heart we can see he too is having relationship problems and is very confused and he has no tools to deal with that in a healthy way. That is a hard place to be in. He wanted someone to talk to, that is a boundary you didn't want him to cross, but that is not necessarily automatically "bad" (in my book, but I've stayed friends with ex's.) If the ex is a friend, and only a friend, and did provide him some understanding I would not fixate on it too much at the moment. He's about putting himself into a hospital so he must feel at the end of his rope that takes the priority here in my estimation. He needs people to care and relate to his feelings. My husband was actually telling me for this for years, that I didn't care about his feelings. I did, but I was not really addressing it because it was so BIG and confusing. I could not relate to his level of intensity and I have to admit I didn't do a very good job of responding to it. Now that I understand his level of feelings, and don't judge them, just work with what is, we do much better.

Hopefully others will chime in on other issues you've raised here.

Keep posting and asking for specific things we can collectively point you to to help things improve! People here have a lot of insight and wisdom that is worth engaging with.

Wishing you well!