I was reading over my old posts.  The one I posted when I first found this forum.  It was only back in July.  Looking back in feels like a lot longer ago than that.  When you are battling something and it seems you are getting nowhere, time does stretch something awful.  My BPH has been doing well last few days.  I come on here and read other people's posts.  I find that the things I have to talk about currently aren't out of anger, resentment, hurt, abuse.  It's nice for the change in pace.  It's hard though.  I constantly have this shadow in my mind that it's not going to last.  Only 3 months ago, I felt I hit bottom.  I was sure that my marriage was over, he was going to kick me out, I wasn't going to see my kids anymore, I didn't know if I could bear the pain of it all anymore. 

I'm taking advantage as much as possible of this break in rage and abuse.  I feel better.  I feel that I have the energy to tackle every day tasks, clean the house, do morning/night exercising, take care of the kids, work full time, and even make a actually homemade meal.  When I shower at night, I run a reminder through my head.  With our busy schedules and being stretched in so many directions, it's easy to let other things slide.  I try to greet him when he comes home, hug/kiss, after we are in bed, I'll ask him about his day and ask him about things he did.  After the kids go to sleep, I am wore out, and exhausted from such a long day.  I'm trying to make it a habit now.  Spend a few minutes asking him how his day went, showing interest in the things he did, cuddling a little bit, and getting him something to snack on so he doesn't complain about being hungry.  These are things I decided to do. 

I know that he's felt ignored and unheard.  It's easy to feel that way when we hardly see each other, the only time we really have any alone time is after the kids are asleep.  So I'm making an effort to show him that I think of him, notice the things he does, and trying to be more open wit my thoughts.  I still have lingering feelings of hurt and anger.  I try to be aware of myself when I have those feeling and ask myself why.  I find the processing my emotions as they show up give me a better understanding of triggers or reasons I might feel that way.

I like where we are right now.  It feels like everything is going to be okay.  I know it won't.  There will be a breaking point.  Where he's had a really bad nightmare, bad day, just stressed... whatever it may be.  We all know it though.  We all know that eventually something is going to set them off.  Not to say that the rages and abuse aren't as severe as in the past, but I already know it's inevitable.  I'm proud of the progress he's made, but part of me feel like it's only a band aid.  Does that seem like a cynic or a realist?