Just told BPD Husband I can't continue in the marriage

[Aheubanks]

Hello all-

Wife of a BP husband of 11 years. Told him yesterday that I can't continue in the marriage and was called horrible names for three hours straight - in front of our counselor. Fun!

We have a 5 year old that he has never given the time of day to and now he wants 50/50 custody.

Looking forward to the support you can provide!

[livednlearned]

Hi Aheubanks,

I'm so sorry for what brings you here  

Have you had a chance to talk to any attorneys yet, to learn how things work where you live?

These are challenging marriages, and challenging divorces.

What do you think is the best arrangement for your son?

LnL

[ForeverDad]

Yes, get local legal advice.  Interview at least a few attorneys.  Ponder what their approaches would be, the strategies they would be inclined to use, etc.  You don't want form filers or hand holders.  This almost surely won't be a standard low conflict divorce.  You will probably need a problem solving lawyer with tested strategies.  You can even ask the lawyers, "If you were facing a case like mine, who would you use to represent you?"  After all, they know they're not going to get every person who walks in the door as a client.  And ethically if they're not up to the task then they should point you in the right direction.

And peer support here is invaluable too.  Though we're remote and somewhat anonymous, we have a vast wealth of experience facing these separation and divorce dilemmas.  We've been there, done that.  We've survived too, even prospered once the worst of the storms were past.

Why did the counselor let the Blamefest go on for three hours?  He or she should have cut it short and/or enforced rules of engagement.  People with BPD, even if not officially diagnosed are expert Blamers, Blame Shifters, Manipulators and more.  If you do have more sessions in the future, be sure you have enforceable limits in place.

If or when you divorce, one of the first steps of the court, after setting an initial temp order (that's a joke, little is temporary about them, our PD divorces usually take 1 to 2 years) then it will probably require mediation attempts.  I emphasize attempts.  You shouldn't feel obligated to meet etbEx's demands.  Typically our spouses are just too entitled and controlling early in a divorce case.  If you can't reach reasonable terms then just walk out saying mediation didn't work and time to head back to court.  In fact, if he creates scenes in mediation or is too intimidating, then require the mediator to put you two in separate rooms and let the mediator walk back and forth.

There could be several reasons for your spouse to say he wants equal time.  (1) Perhaps he feels he will look bad if she doesn't get substantial time, a good public face is important to many disordered parents.  (2) Perhaps he thinks that if he can start out with 50% then he can make more demands to get majority time and then you'd have to pay him child support.  (3) They don't mind that their private lives are a mess, public posturing is more important.  Also, he may be thinking that with more time he will have less child support ordered.  (In my county the difference between percentages is now as much as many think.  In my temp order I was ordered to pay a certain amount as alternate weekend parent.  After the final decree moved me up to equal time and a few years had passed the calculations increased about $50 more in her favor.  Yes, I had a slightly better income but it wasn't that much more.  You might want to get a copy of your county's child support calculation sheet and compare the difference support amounts between alternate weekends and equal time.  I'd guess they're not as different as you might think.

Probably best not to make "The marriage is over" comments until you've gotten some legal advice.  As you found out in the counseling session, his overreaction is to berate and blame.  So think ahead, determine your best strategies and options, get your ducks in a row first, so to speak.  Also a good idea to have a prepared Go Bag with cash, keys, important papers, etc, in case you and your children need to get away to a safe place with little warning.  Make copies of important papers, documents, statements, deeds and titles soon.  Same for treasured mementos and original documents, slowly move the less prominent ones to safe places, when a marriage is imploding a lot of things often go missing.

This is also important:  You don't have to share certain things that might be used against you if the marriage is ending.  For example, get legal consultations but keep them confidential.  Pay with cash or in some way that won't appear on bills or statements or get sent to the home.  You have a right to confidentiality, to privacy.  Your spouse does not have a right to interrogate you into the wee hours of the night or berate you until you divulge information.  You have a right to confidentiality, to privacy.