Advice on contacting dBPDex--my cutting ties on social media the final nail?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ive posted once before on a different part of the boards but would like to see if I can get some additional input here. If anyones read my story forgive the repeat of information. Obviously it helps to get it out and I know many of you can relate.

My dBPD(ex) and I are a month out of a 6 month or so relationship. She's a quieter, very low functioning BPD but a very caring, amazing person nonetheless. She told me from that start of her diagnosis and other co-morbid issues she suffers with, something I respect her for immensely because Id imagine it would've made things much more difficult had I not known. Unfortunately, I didn't do a lot of research and wasn't as understanding and patient as she needed early on because of this. Something I obviously feel guilty about. We had a couple spats where we broke up for a couple days about midway through where semi-harsh things were said (never about her illness or conditions; thats not who I am or a direction I would ever go) and though we were able to pick up and seemingly leave things behind, enjoying our time together after that, I believe thats where some devaluing and splitting of me occurred. Unfortunately, I would over apologize for things that weren't actually on my end and may have convinced her that she wasn't to blame when we all know it takes two. I never set any firm boundaries and devoted a great deal of time each day to reassuring her and helping her out constantly with her day to day struggles and life at home with her family. Something she knew I was absolutely willing/happy to do for her but I sense she was quite ashamed. I know she had mentioned that her keeping me up late at night on the phone when I had work early the next day bothered her. But of course I didn't want her to feel left behind or like she couldn't rely on me for support.

Fast forward to about a month ago after quite a bit of stonewalling and push/pull yet my persistence and understanding (I'd done my homework and had a much better idea of some of her struggles and why she may feel the way she does in the moment). We end up having a spat where she lays into me pretty heavy and is projecting, threatening that we won't be friends down the line, that were no longer friends. I tell her that she has an issue with her use of social media (wanting attention from guys who are clearly only interested in one thing.) I understand its a defense mechanism and her way of coping but it really sucks when no-one likes the lyrics/quotes she posts or videos she finds interesting or funny, you know, the things that actually make her who she is inside, but when its a picture of her beautiful face they come out of the woodwork. If it sounds childish well thats because of course it is in part.

One night after a week or more her not replying to me at all with my reaching out seldomly and trying let it be known in a genuine way I care for her still a great deal, I see her HEAVILY flirting with some random guy she's friends with in a different state and has never met. (Facebook would show it on my feed, believe me, I wasn't trying to obsess because there were quite a bit of things she was doing to make me jealous and or cope at that time.) Being torn by this I had to unfriend her on fb to protect my own heart at that time but also in part to let it be known this was devastating to see and Im not okay with that. Probably a very hurtful thing to have done to her I understand even though she had threatened to just delete me from her friends prior and never did. During this time of not being in contact her childhood dog died and Im sure it was/is very difficult for her. I reach out with sincere condolences but no reply. Again after a week of leaving her be I reach out with a sincere message that I know she struggles, there doesn't need to be any guilt and I don't have expectations in reaching out, that I'm absolutely here for her, 'reach out if I can help.' Still nothing. But possibly letting her know the ball is in her court. Which I understand gives her a fallback plan but also that Im not deserting her though it may have felt that way with the unfriending. Its been about a week since then.

Im afraid she's associating me with the loss her pet and other abandonments though I honestly never intended for any of it to play out that way. I DO care about this person so much, and I do believe she knows that though she isn't willing to see it that way at this time. Though I love her and am wanting her back, at the very least I can honestly say I would want a friendship with her at some point and to see her doing well/making progress. Do I want to see her seemingly ecstatic with some other guy right now? No, that would be painful. But I absolutely do want her to succeed in life. No way would I want to see this special friggen person crumbling.

(Thank you for reading this post)

Theres obviously much more to the story and all people with or without this diagnosis are very different, but what would you suggest I do at this point? Does waiting with a small shred of hope make sense (if I'm feeling hopeful still)? Should I let more time go by before reaching out once more? And if so try to remind her that she's not wrong for feeling the way she does but to not feel guilt, that things CAN be set right? Even if it meant going verrrrry slow and learning to place comfortable normal boundaries and doing the work of course I'm willing. Though I know only SHE can fix herself and I can only take it so far with all the proper care and the right approach.  I don't want to be bugging her, tugging at her, or hurting her. We are both surely in a great deal of pain. But giving up on her is not my intention, as of now. There were things posted on her end prior to the unfriending that were cries for help/signs of guilt she wasn't comfortable expressing fully to me before/and wanting me to know she's thinking of me but when I made an attempt to reach out it was met with silence. She's been dealt a rough hand in life and she deserves much much more, be it without or without me.

[tornANDfrayed]

Ive posted once before on a different part of the boards but would like to see if I can get some additional input here. If anyones read my story forgive the repeat of information. Obviously it helps to get it out and I know many of you can relate.

My dBPD(ex) and I are a month out of a 6 month or so relationship. She's a quieter, very low functioning BPD but a very caring, amazing person nonetheless. She told me from that start of her diagnosis and other co-morbid issues she suffers with, something I respect her for immensely because Id imagine it would've made things much more difficult had I not known. Unfortunately, I didn't do a lot of research and wasn't as understanding and patient as she needed early on because of this. Something I obviously feel guilty about. We had a couple spats where we broke up for a couple days about midway through where semi-harsh things were said (never about her illness or conditions; thats not who I am or a direction I would ever go) and though we were able to pick up and seemingly leave things behind, enjoying our time together after that, I believe thats where some devaluing and splitting of me occurred. Unfortunately, I would over apologize for things that weren't actually on my end and may have convinced her that she wasn't to blame when we all know it takes two. I never set any firm boundaries and devoted a great deal of time each day to reassuring her and helping her out constantly with her day to day struggles and life at home with her family. Something she knew I was absolutely willing/happy to do for her but I sense she was quite ashamed. I know she had mentioned that her keeping me up late at night on the phone when I had work early the next day bothered her. But of course I didn't want her to feel left behind or like she couldn't rely on me for support.

Fast forward to about a month ago after quite a bit of stonewalling and push/pull yet my persistence and understanding (I'd done my homework and had a much better idea of some of her struggles and why she may feel the way she does in the moment). We end up having a spat where she lays into me pretty heavy and is projecting, threatening that we won't be friends down the line, that were no longer friends. I tell her that she has an issue with her use of social media (wanting attention from guys who are clearly only interested in one thing.) I understand its a defense mechanism and her way of coping but it really sucks when no-one likes the lyrics/quotes she posts or videos she finds interesting or funny, you know, the things that actually make her who she is inside, but when its a picture of her beautiful face they come out of the woodwork. If it sounds childish well thats because of course it is in part.

One night after a week or more her not replying to me at all with my reaching out seldomly and trying let it be known in a genuine way I care for her still a great deal, I see her HEAVILY flirting with some random guy she's friends with in a different state and has never met. (Facebook would show it on my feed, believe me, I wasn't trying to obsess because there were quite a bit of things she was doing to make me jealous and or cope at that time.) Being torn by this I had to unfriend her on fb to protect my own heart at that time but also in part to let it be known this was devastating to see and Im not okay with that. Probably a very hurtful thing to have done to her I understand even though she had threatened to just delete me from her friends prior and never did. During this time of not being in contact her childhood dog died and Im sure it was/is very difficult for her. I reach out with sincere condolences but no reply. Again after a week of leaving her be I reach out with a sincere message that I know she struggles, there doesn't need to be any guilt and I don't have expectations in reaching out, that I'm absolutely here for her, 'reach out if I can help.' Still nothing. But possibly letting her know the ball is in her court. Which I understand gives her a fallback plan but also that Im not deserting her though it may have felt that way with the unfriending. Its been about a week since then.

Im afraid she's associating me with the loss her pet and other abandonments though I honestly never intended for any of it to play out that way. I DO care about this person so much, and I do believe she knows that though she isn't willing to see it that way at this time. Though I love her and am wanting her back, at the very least I can honestly say I would want a friendship with her at some point and to see her doing well/making progress. Do I want to see her seemingly ecstatic with some other guy right now? No, that would be painful. But I absolutely do want her to succeed in life. No way would I want to see this special friggen person crumbling.

(Thank you for reading this post)

Theres obviously much more to the story and all people with or without this diagnosis are very different, but what would you suggest I do at this point? Does waiting with a small shred of hope make sense (if I'm feeling hopeful still)? Should I let more time go by before reaching out once more? And if so try to remind her that she's not wrong for feeling the way she does but to not feel guilt, that things CAN be set right? Even if it meant going verrrrry slow and learning to place comfortable normal boundaries and doing the work of course I'm willing. Though I know only SHE can fix herself and I can only take it so far with all the proper care and the right approach.  I don't want to be bugging her, tugging at her, or hurting her. We are both surely in a great deal of pain. But giving up on her is not my intention, as of now. There were things posted on her end prior to the unfriending that were cries for help/signs of guilt she wasn't comfortable expressing fully to me before/and wanting me to know she's thinking of me but when I made an attempt to reach out it was met with silence. She's been dealt a rough hand in life and she deserves much much more, be it without or without me.

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[EdR]

Well... .first of all I don't think her 'painting black' was necessarily strengthened by your empathetic reaction.
I thought about that once as well in my case, but then I recently read about how to NOT JADE.
So taking a defensive stance or trying to convince her of the truth might even have worsened things.
So I don't think you did wrong... .It truly is walking on egg shells.

And regarding her Silent Treatment: you have already reached out multiple times and somewhere deep down I believe she knows you care about her.
The ST hurts, but I don't know the way to break through it. I really wish I knew though.

I am having difficulties myself to stop reaching out, but I do feel that is the way to go forward.
Sometimes the pwBPD may come back to you. Then it was part of the push pull dance. But sometimes the pwBPD does not come back.
I don't think YOU can do a lot more...

I guess sometimes another person (partner, friend, group of friends) has temporarily and partially filled the void in their life. So in a way, the pwBPD does not 'need'  you anymore :-(

If they really left... .Will they eventually remember you fondly? Or are you split black forever? Or do they simply forget you? I don't know. I'd like to know this myself though... .

[tornANDfrayed]

Thanks for the reply EdR!

Yeah I definitely saw where my JADEing was ineffective looking back on it. It wasn't that I was hard on her with this or upsetting (to a person who can emotionally regulate with less trouble anyway) but to her it probably made her feel quite guilty or defeated. I remember one time writing out a good bit of information replying to why what she was talking about 'wasn't the same' when she was projecting on me in regards to her poor defense mechanism of trying to make me jealous online. It was met with something along the lines of 'thanks for not respecting me enough to not reply... .' I calmly tried to let it be known well hey 'I need to unload my head too' but she obviously saw this as me trying to get the final word or maybe in some sense KNEW she was wrong and her thinking was off, but couldn't accept that because that would mean she is bad, broken, so on. Its really tough. I learned to try less to get my point across right on top of hers until I felt she was in a better place mentally when she seemed she could be more receptive but she wasn't having it.

As mentioned she is very low functioning with fewww real life friends and just an awful family life. They're so detrimental to her health which has made it tough to sit idle initially. Thats also what gave me the sense of doing the right thing and really helping this person. But with a controlling father she still lives with who berates her at every turn, his opinion of me made it flat out impossible. To be fair he didn't like me from the get go and that was before he even knew a thing about me, so he was absolutely feeding her head and essentially threatening her that'd he 'lose all respect for her' for continuing to see me. Respect for her he hasn't even had in the 25+ years of her existence. She knows that and its a sad scenario. She had to accept defeat. Id asked her before during an episode 'why do you think things can't get better/change in your life?' and was met with 'because. this is just my life, nothings going to change.'

Not having many friends, just the few online from out of state or support sites it does make me wonder if that'll be enough to fill the void I've left. The guy she was flirting with heavily that was my reason to unfriend her online lives on the other side of the country. I don't see that panning out at all for a number of reasons. We have a mutual friend in our home town that she noticeably was being flirty with, but I believe that was just in attempt to make me jealous, I'm not even concerned because I don't see that working either. Another coping mechanism that is likely puttering out. The one boundary/thing we made clear from the get go (as should be made clear in a healthy relationship with PDs or not I believe) is we wouldn't allow cheating and that I wouldn't take someone back if they were intimate with another person. Its been a week since last reaching out and Im just going to try and stick to my guns at this point. Theres still a shred of hope but man would it take so much work and looking in the mirror on both of our ends if she were to come around. Something I'm not sure she's ready or capable of. She had mentioned in one of our last arguments that 'act like I never mentioned all the good things you've done... .' (sarcastically) so I do believe SOMEWHERE in there she recognizes the beautiful things we shared. If she hasn't thrown away the gifts I gave her in that time I know there are some fond associations with our time together. I would imagine your ex and many others still have that inside their heads too--even with painting black. What worries me is that theres just too much guilt and shame going on (something I know to be true with my ex as she admitted it in the end there) that it totally negates that the moment they have that reasoning. That it prevents them from reaching out or at the very least making an effort to change who they are. To convince themselves otherwise to avoid getting so down on themselves and feel so broken is a crummy thought.