Feeling conflicted and damaged

[KAW]

This is my second post, I previously described my 2 and half yr relationship with a man with BPD undiagnosed. I am really struggling in this relationship, I know for my own health I need to get out asap, but come to the crunch and I can never quite do it. It's become really apparent to me that he is extremely controlling and manipulative. This happened incrementally and crept up on me. I understand that I play a part and my background (emotionally and verbally abusive father) has left me with problems. However, I am now feeling conflicted to the point of being ill. I know I must get out, but keep getting drawn back in as he comes around and is ill or distraught and I am back to square one after leaving. This drama has been going on for several months, part of my dilemma is around his total lack of family support and only one or two friends who are likewise exhausted after months of acting out.

I know this is wholly down to me, but feeling desperate and a husk of my former self ~ please any tips or guidance?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

Well being on this board u are saying u want to make this relationship work
So if this is true there is alot to read u need to learn the skills , boundaries and communication . U need to learn to take care of u . To become a stronger and healthier u. This isn’t easy but well worth it , for u . Take care of u . And   welcome enjoy your journey. Take one day at a time

[DaddyBear77]

Hello KAW, and welcome. I am so sorry you're in such a difficult situation.

It's very clear that you care very much about this relationship and you've invested a lot of time and energy into it. You mention that, for your own health, you need to get out ASAP. What are some aspects of your health that are suffering? Emotional health? Your own self esteem? Anything else?

It sounds like you've left the relationship before but have been drawn back in. This is also common. A lot of people feel like they're saving their partner or rescuing them by sticking things out and taking what comes as part of the package.

Sometimes we end up doing what's called Caretaking - this is not the same as being a care giver and it's not something that actually helps the pwBPD. There's a very good book called Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - it might help you to take a look at that link and read about the book. It may help you discover some more ways you can step out of the drama and improve your own situation, which in turn will often improve the relationship overall.

How are you finding the lessons so far on the right hand side of this page? Are they helping you?