Completely twisting the truth

[lostandconfused6]

I have stumbled across a new issue that has completely stumped more so than other things have (if you can believe that). We were having a normal conversation and he had said "remember when you told me last year about (such and such)" I said "No that wasn't me, remember you had told me about that" and I explained the whole situation and he has always been very receptive to this NEVER has it been an issue... .we all tend to remember things incorrectly from time to time no big deal... .well not this time it was world war 3 he instantly started screaming and yelling at me calling me a compulsive liar and saying everyone I know tells him i'm a terrible person... .I know I was telling the truth I even had the old texts from where he told me what happened... .

What is the correct way to respond to this if it is to happen again? I shut down and didn't know what to say I was literally in shock by the event that took place

[isilme]

I would just guess this stems from invalidation.

You corrected him, and for whatever reason, THAT particular instance was not one where he could handle being wrong.

I'd also say that sometimes it seems a pwBPD will find a reason to explode because they HAVE to - they have poor emotional management skills, and if they are like my H, need to expel those emotions by having an argument.  Statements and memories will be twisted to make their out of control emotions your fault, and black and white statements like "everyone knows you are terrible" are often a mix of projection about how they see themselves and a ret-conned way to make the fight your fault.

Disengage when you see this happen.  Something was off - it could have been a stress factor you did not yet know, a bad memory surfaced tied to the conversation, a previous comment from anyone else, or even a nutritional deficiency/illness coming on.  Whatever the actual cause (it was not your statement, that was an "excuse" may be far removed and buried, but nothing you say or do at that point will change his mind.  You can't show facts to fix it by the time a blow up has happened - the genie needs to be allowed to run around before it chooses to go back into its bottle.

Disengage.  Leave the space if you can, the house, whatever you can do to remove yourself from the rage.  That's not always possible, and honestly, sometimes shutting down to protect yourself by not responding, because you are surprised by it and/or have nowhere to go happens.  It sucks, but it happens.  You have to wait for it to pass - you can't "make" it pass.  All we can ever do it prevent ourselves from JADEing and feeding that fire. 

H has blown up at me out of surprise many times - that's kinda where we are now - it's a surprise.  I can better navigate known issues - like annual stressful seasons (like now - holidays are approaching and he does poorly in winter months).  We can be talking, and suddenly he's gone from 0-just shy of screaming and I am still catching up.  So I freeze like a deer in the headlights and try to calm him with as much validation as possible. 

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you for your response... .it was as conversation involving "the situation" that I have mentioned previously in my posts involving another girl so it is def a touchier subject but he had brought it up... .it was completely innocent and between you and I, I would have LOVEDDDD to take credit for what was being talked about because it was proof that she's on the "looser" side just like I had always thought... .but I wouldn't dare tell him that... .

I shut down because I couldn't figure out what or how to validate and I have been told by members here "don't validate the invalid" (which makes sense) so when I couldn't figure it out I stopped talking and tried to change subjects... .I still worry because I wonder if that's a thought that really goes through his head about me being a liar... .or that I told him the story he was talking about... .

We have only been together 2 years so I'm still figuring him out as a person and adding BPD into the mix has just made that process a little tougher