New member with possible BPD spouse

[Eban]

Hi, I’m a new member. I believe my spouse has BPD. I am certain he has a personality disorder, and believe it is BPD. This is my second marriage and my first marriage was also to someone who had a personality disorder. I’ve been in therapy for several years and learning healthier ways of being for myself, and working on my own issues, I’m also studying now to help others as a therapist. I have stopped the explosive rages and hugely escalating fights by changing my own communication style. The problem is, I no longer have interest on physical or emotional intimacy with my partner. I have empathy for him, and I don’t blame him, however he is not getting treatment. (Doesn’t believe he has a problem) I understand and accept that he will likely not be able to meet my normal and healthy relationship needs, but I’m not in a position to leave yet. (Working on it) How do I respond for demands for genuine intimacy without provoking arguments. The demands are making me feel... .trapped and stressed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Eban,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the family!

This is indeed a difficulty many of us face - how to have physical and emotional intimacy with partners whom we have such histories with. I know I have struggled with this as well at times.

Are you willing to have some intimacy with your partner or is that no longer possible for you? Is him having treatment totally necessary for you to continue in the relationship or are the changes you have made enough to make it possible to have some form of a relationship?

[AskingWhy]

Eban, it's good you are in therapy and have opened your eyes to the value of communication skilss with a pwBPD.

Now that your eyes are opened, it's OK to be honest with how you feel toward your spouse.  Clearly you had it good when you married your husband, and then he changed with time.

This is common with BPD and also NPD.  You are also aware that those with PDs don't often seek therapy and blame is one of their tools.

Your communication skills have helped, but do you see the relationship improving?

[Eban]

I don’t know that therapy is a prerequisite to intimacy. I don’t feel It is healthy for me to tell him he must go. I feel like that further plays into his drama and persecution thoughts, and won’t help. What I’ve said to him is that there are certain things I need from him as a partner to feel safe to be intimate. One of those things is a partner with healthy enough conflict resolution skills that I can voice my needs and hear theirs. It is my belief because of his trauma that he would benefit from professional support. If he doesn’t want therapy but he can get those skills... .great! Our relationship is not improving. I’m just not participating in the drama. At one time I was willing to do so but I’m healthier and I’m not. He’s pouting about it and constantly trying to make me go back to the way it was. I am thinking I need to continue to be assertive or just spend less time at home but I just don’t know. Thank you for helping me think through this! Y’all are awesome!