What do you need and how do you try to get it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All 

I wanted to start a thread about needs, because I think they are so important and we often aren't in touch with them. It's astounding how many of us have trouble naming what we need, or feel inhibited doing so. I thought it might be good to get some sunlight on our needs/preoccupations and then talk about the strategies we employ to get them met in relationships. I have found it to be a very revealing exercise.

With permission from the authors, I'm going to include a list and some excerpts from a book that I highly recommend. It's called Undefended Love by Jett Psaris, PhD and Marlena S. Lyons, PhD.

Below is a list of common needs in relationships:

Common Relationship Needs/Preoccupations

Love, support, acceptance and caring:
I need to know that you accept me
I need to be able to trust you and to be trusted
I need to feel supported by you
I need to be carer for/taken care of
I need to feel loved
I need to be met/have my needs met
I need to know I can trust and depend on you

Centrality:
I need to come first, be a central priority in your life
I need to matter to you

Affirmation and validation:
I need your approval
I need to be respected/valued
I need to be heard
I need to be seen
I need to be understood
I need to be seen as perfect

Belonging:
I need to know that I fit in
I need to feel welcomed by you
I need to be wanted/desired/special

Independence:
I need to be free to be who I am
I need you to take care of yourself

Other:
I need to know that you will reciprocate
I need a relationship that feels comfortable
I need to feel safe and secure when I'm with you


Question 1: What are the 3 most important needs for you in intimate relationships?

The authors recommend cutting them down to the 3 most compelling needs—the ones for which you may feel agitated at just the thought that they won't be met.

Question 2: What strategies do you use to get those needs met?

For example, if you have a need to be special, do you jump through hoops, change yourself, try to please your partner in every way, etc. in order to feel special to him/her? Alternatively, do you unconsciously choose an unavailable partner and try to win his/her love? The authors suggest that "these behaviors actually end up reinforcing the deeper, hidden fear that we are not special; otherwise why would we have to do so much to be special?"

So, for me, I think my most important needs are:

1) I need to feel loved
2) I need to feel respected/valued
3) I need to be a central priority in your life

How I try to get those needs met in relationship:

1) I try to be perfect so that my partner will love me
2) I have been drawn to unavailable partners, so that I can prove my worthiness of love by getting them to commit to me
3) I try not to come across as needy, because I don't want to scare away the other person

The effect of my strategies has been that I feel like I have to work so hard to get what others do by effortlessly being themselves. It can be exhausting. And I know deep down it doesn't have to be that way.

What about you? 

heartandwhole

[heartandwhole]

Hi All 

I wanted to start a thread about needs, because I think they are so important and we often aren't in touch with them. It's astounding how many of us have trouble naming what we need, or feel inhibited doing so. I thought it might be good to get some sunlight on our needs/preoccupations and then talk about the strategies we employ to get them met in relationships. I have found it to be a very revealing exercise.

With permission from the authors, I'm going to include a list and some excerpts from a book that I highly recommend. It's called Undefended Love by Jett Psaris, PhD and Marlena S. Lyons, PhD.

Below is a list of common needs in relationships:

Common Relationship Needs/Preoccupations

Love, support, acceptance and caring:
I need to know that you accept me
I need to be able to trust you and to be trusted
I need to feel supported by you
I need to be carer for/taken care of
I need to feel loved
I need to be met/have my needs met
I need to know I can trust and depend on you

Centrality:
I need to come first, be a central priority in your life
I need to matter to you

Affirmation and validation:
I need your approval
I need to be respected/valued
I need to be heard
I need to be seen
I need to be understood
I need to be seen as perfect

Belonging:
I need to know that I fit in
I need to feel welcomed by you
I need to be wanted/desired/special

Independence:
I need to be free to be who I am
I need you to take care of yourself

Other:
I need to know that you will reciprocate
I need a relationship that feels comfortable
I need to feel safe and secure when I'm with you


Question 1: What are the 3 most important needs for you in intimate relationships?

The authors recommend cutting them down to the 3 most compelling needs—the ones for which you may feel agitated at just the thought that they won't be met.

Question 2: What strategies do you use to get those needs met?

For example, if you have a need to be special, do you jump through hoops, change yourself, try to please your partner in every way, etc. in order to feel special to him/her? Alternatively, do you unconsciously choose an unavailable partner and try to win his/her love? The authors suggest that "these behaviors actually end up reinforcing the deeper, hidden fear that we are not special; otherwise why would we have to do so much to be special?"

So, for me, I think my most important needs are:

1) I need to feel loved
2) I need to feel respected/valued
3) I need to be a central priority in your life

How I try to get those needs met in relationship:

1) I try to be perfect so that my partner will love me
2) I have been drawn to unavailable partners, so that I can prove my worthiness of love by getting them to commit to me
3) I try not to come across as needy, because I don't want to scare away the other person

The effect of my strategies has been that I feel like I have to work so hard to get what others do by effortlessly being themselves. It can be exhausting. And I know deep down it doesn't have to be that way.

What about you? 

heartandwhole

[Insom]

Thanks so much for raising this, heartandwhole.  I think it's very helpful and interesting.  FWIW, I struggle in this area around work.  Your responses below match how I've felt in work situations.  (I, too, can exhaust myself from having to be perfect all the time.)  I have also felt this way with some friends. 

1) I need to feel loved
2) I need to feel respected/valued
3) I need to be a central priority in your life

How I try to get those needs met in relationship:

1) I try to be perfect so that my partner will love me
2) I have been drawn to unavailable partners, so that I can prove my worthiness of love by getting them to commit to me
3) I try not to come across as needy, because I don't want to scare away the other person

The effect of my strategies has been that I feel like I have to work so hard to get what others do by effortlessly being themselves. It can be exhausting. And I know deep down it doesn't have to be that way.

Here is how I feel about my relationship with husband (which is a part of my life that feels resolved and satisfying).

1) I need to trust the person that I'm with.
2) I need to feel cared for.
3) I need a harmonious living environment.

How I got those needs met in relationship with significant other:

1) I chose someone who also values trust and who showed me during the courting phase that I can trust him.
2) I chose someone who knows how to show he cares.
3) I chose someone with similar interests, tastes and a similar energy level and we have worked together to find areas of agreement so our home life feels harmonious.

[Lucky Jim]

How I try to get those needs met in relationship:

1) I try to be perfect so that my partner will love me
2) I have been drawn to unavailable partners, so that I can prove my worthiness of love by getting them to commit to me
3) I try not to come across as needy, because I don't want to scare away the other person

Great topic, h&w.  I plan to post separately about my needs.

In the meantime, I find it interesting that the strategies you employ to get your needs met seem designed to bring about a result that is less than what you are looking for?  Does that seem like a fair characterization to you?

LuckyJim

LJ

[SuperJew82]

I'm just going to take out a very itty-bitty piece out of all that and say "wow". How often do we forget or not even identify our basic requirements for a healthy relationship? We should all be more mindful of this simple question.

Just like Insom, trust would have been one of my top 3, and my ex destroyed that every chance she could. Why did I keep taking her back after she validated that she couldn't be trusted again and again?

[once removed]

i know the purpose of this thread was to limit it to three needs... .i got it down to four  

I need to be wanted/desired/special
i need to feel supported by you
i need to know that you will reciprocate
i need a relationship that feels comfortable

and id say with all of them, for much of my life, ive gone about getting these needs met in dysfunctional ways.

1. being on the receiving end of mirroring, and needing it to feel that spark has been such a hook for me in most of my relationships. its similar to the "need to be understood", but its not about perspective, its about someone wanting me/desiring me for the reasons *i* believe i should be wanted/desired. that translates to "this person gets me". and if that person gets me, and realizes how special i am, theyd never hurt, betray, or abandon me, right? so quite often, ive been in romantic pairings where my partner did the pursuing.

2. ive always considered myself deeply loyal to friends, family and loved ones. i need that in a partner in all areas. ive always felt i needed someone who would pick up my battles and take them upon themselves to prove that loyalty. i think fortunately my perspective on this has changed a bit. i need validation and support, yes. and certainly, sometimes i need help, and i do believe that loving couples face battles together. these days i also need a well differentiated person who doesnt get emotionally caught up in my "drama". i need someone who can challenge and elevate my perspective. and what i dont need is for someone to fight my battles for me. how do i meet this need today? i tell you in clear terms that i need support and how you can best support me, and i (try to) accept and respect if you cant do that.

3. i need to know that youll reciprocate or odds are (at least in the past) ill make sure you know youre not reciprocating through passive aggressive means, withdrawing, etc, in order to get you to.

4. i need a relationship that feels comfortable because i fear rejection, am not entirely comfortable with myself, and need someone to make me comfortable and feel accepted. so i pick people who feel, in certain ways, "familiar" to me, whos struggles i tell myself i can identify with, and i project that surely they identify with mine. and that "comfort", and/or absence of rejection feels like love and closeness to me.

[babyducks]

I would say mine are:

1)I need to be able to trust you and to be trusted.

Hmmm can I put this one on the list twice?   or maybe three times?  I was surprised and how much this drew me to it.    and I am wondering if this is a new need?  do they change over time?  or wax and wane?

2)I need to know that you accept me.
3)I need to be respected/valued.

and I would say I attempted to get those needs met but doing them.    sort of like,    I want you to trust me and I want to trust you,  let me show you how incredibly trustworthy I am.     it was like I double downed on my actions, but never really spoke it out loud.    the easiest one to see is the most dysfunctional of course.   as my Ex's behavior got more erratic, and chaotic I kept trying to accept and find ways to respect her.    because that is what I would have wanted.    it was not knowing when to stop that bit me in the tuchus.

 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Good topic!

1. I need to feel safe and secure when I'm with you
2. I need to be free to be who I am
3. I need you to take care of yourself

This is all post divorce... .
1. I chose to be with someone I feel safe and secure with who also feels safe and secure with me. It's hard to explain other than I've never felt this safe and secure with anyone before.
2. I check in with myself periodically to make sure I'm being me and not trying to be/do what someone else wants or I think they want me to be/do. It's getting easier.
3. I chose to be with someone who can take care of himself. He doesn't need me to mother him or to manage his emotions. He gets his needs met and I get mine met. If either of us feel our needs aren't getting met, we talk about it and work together to figure it out.

[vanx]

Thanks, heartandwhole, this seems like something helpful to consider, so I'll try it out. I've added this book to my list as well.

1. I need to know that you accept me.
2. I need to be wanted/desired/special.
3. I need to be understood.

1. I fully accept you and hope it will mean I get the same. I strive to avoid ever criticizing you, but also let slide a lot of things that bother me. I hide things about myself I dislike.
2. I try to be attractive. I pick someone I am very physically attracted to. I often get upset or jealous when I do not feel special or treated specially. I think I kind of pick people who it would be more of a challenge to feel special to, people who act cool and are not emotionally available.
3. I try to articulate my thoughts based on what I am currently feeling or thinking. I often don't get through and my partner gets frustrated with me. I keep trying when she's not listening, and my self esteem suffers because I feel stupid, neurotic, and inarticulate. The less she hears me, the greater my anxiety and need to get through to her.

I think a lot of it for me is about having the confidence to let go of a situation where my needs aren't met, and the optimism to believe that there are people out there who can and will meet my needs. I have to make some adjustments when it comes to whom I am attracted.

[heartandwhole]

In the meantime, I find it interesting that the strategies you employ to get your needs met seem designed to bring about a result that is less than what you are looking for?  Does that seem like a fair characterization to you?

It sure does, Lucky Jim ! I think that's why the authors also call the needs "preoccupations." We employ strategies that set up situations where we unintentionally sabotage getting our needs met.

For example, if I believe that expressing my needs will push people away (I'm too needy), then I'll tend to attract people who have no interest or capacity to meet my needs because when they meet me I'm so dang self-contained and independent. Then, when I realize that I do want to express my needs, and I do, my partner is surprised and shuts me down and I feel like I must be too needy because I have "proof" in several relationships that my needs are "too much" for the other person.

Well, hello. They might be "too much" for the other person, but that doesn't mean they are unreasonable for me to express in my relationships. So, for me, I think it would help to be more in touch with my needs in the first place, and be brave enough to express them when I am getting to know someone. Then, if they balk at my needs from the start, I'll know that they are not a good fit for me.

I look forward to reading your list, LJ.

heartandwhole

 

[heartandwhole]

i know the purpose of this thread was to limit it to three needs... .i got it down to four  

It's not that easy, is it? Later in the book, the authors ask us to choose the most important need. Just one.   A very interesting exercise. When we have to let go and choose one, we can actually feel the anxiety and agitation that comes with that exercise. It can be very revealing, and helps us get to the core beliefs that are driving these needs/preoccupations.

heartandwhole

[heartandwhole]

I think a lot of it for me is about having the confidence to let go of a situation where my needs aren't met, and the optimism to believe that there are people out there who can and will meet my needs. I have to make some adjustments when it comes to whom I am attracted.

I think this is key, vanx    You mentioned letting go. And I think what has really helped me is the support in letting go of the defenses that keep me boxed into a pattern that isn't serving me.

What has helped me a lot has been examining the core beliefs that feed the preoccupation with certain needs. For example, if I believe that there is something wrong with me/I'm not lovable, it makes sense that my high priority needs will be to feel loved/cherished by my partner. Now, that is a perfectly normal need in relationship, but because of my childhood influences, that need can become inordinately important, to the point that I unconsciously set up situations where my belief (that there is something wrong with me) will be reinforced, instead of proved faulty. That's how we keep going round the treadmill, in my view.

Once I deeply examine my core beliefs and have the courage to feel the feelings that are evoked by them (e.g., shame, fear, loneliness), I can come to see that that belief isn't true (it doesn't define who I am), and I can begin to let go of, or at least soften, some of the defenses that I've built to avoid feeling those feelings, and be more my authentic self toward others—needs and all. The needs are still there, but their "hold" on me has lessened, if that makes sense.

Can anyone relate to that?

heartandwhole

[vanx]

This is very interesting. Is this insight about you unconsciously setting up situations that reinforce your negative beliefs from the book Undefended Love? I will really have to read this very soon.
I want to make sure I understand what you mean. Does this unconscious setting up of situations based on your core belief mean pushing away people who could have met your needs if you had not pushed the limits? Does it mean unconsciously attracting people who won't meet your needs because you unconsciously want to reinforce the negative belief?
I like the concept of having courage to feel the feelings. It really is an inspiring way to frame things and makes me feel like I am getting my power back.
It is a tough balance to find, especially when you've had partners who have called you needy. I am so afraid of ever coming across to anyone as needy, of pushing them away. And yet you also have to honor that your needs are essentially valid and reasonable.
I guess at the end of the day, it is more about your relationship with your own self. If you could be in touch with your needs and fearless about experiencing difficult emotions, I could even see someone else's judgement of you being needy as having less power. It would just mean, okay, this person is either not willing or able to meet a need I have identified as important to me, basically a paraphrase of your response to Lucky Jim.

I was having a tough day, stuck in rumination and what ifs. Reading through this thread has helped me get back on track of the opportunity to take responsibility and grow, so thank you!

[heartandwhole]

I want to make sure I understand what you mean. Does this unconscious setting up of situations based on your core belief mean pushing away people who could have met your needs if you had not pushed the limits? Does it mean unconsciously attracting people who won't meet your needs because you unconsciously want to reinforce the negative belief?

I'm not sure we want to unconsciously reinforce the belief, but that is what often happens when we relate from a place of being preoccupied with getting certain needs met. I think that's why we have to narrow our needs down to the ones that feel "charged" for us. Just feeling the drive behind getting those needs met can tell us a lot about ourselves. 

I think it's pretty common for people to set up these kinds of situations. As we get to know ourselves better, we can let some of the strategies go and be less armored toward others. Then intimacy has a much more fertile ground to grow in. Before we do that, it's helpful to reflect on our most important needs and the ways we try to get them met.

Doing the exercise can be difficult. It was for me, which told me a lot right there. I have confused need with love, I have been unable to articulate what I need, I have used strategies—like caretaking—to help me feel worthwhile and valued. There is nothing wrong with trying to get needs met, but when the strategy/behavior, as is so often the case on these boards, leaves us completely drained of energy, hurting, feeling lost, empty, and/or resentful, one has to ask oneself if there might be a better way. 

From the book:

"The repetitive behaviors that make up our strategies for emotional survival are so automatic that we are often unaware of how constantly they operate and how successful they are at distancing us from others.

Our attempts to control our internal experience and our partners' responses to us seem so natural that we may initially have difficulty recognizing the extent to which all our interactions are orchestrated by survival concerns."

heartandwhole

[vanx]

I have confused need with love, I have been unable to articulate what I need, I have used strategies—like caretaking—to help me feel worthwhile and valued. There is nothing wrong with trying to get needs met, but when the strategy/behavior, as is so often the case on these boards, leaves us completely drained of energy, hurting, feeling lost, empty, and/or resentful, one has to ask oneself if there might be a better way. 

heartandwhole, I think I have done these things too. Thank you for writing more about this. Need vs. love has been a big conundrum--helpful to have more tools here.

[Turkish]

I know this is cynical, coming from the latchkey only child of a single BPD mother. 

"I need you to know you're going to take care of yourself on your side of your fence: emotionally and financially.  I'll do the same and we can work out the particulars where we have common ground."

Ugh... .this sounds off, but I'm throwing it out here... .all that aside,  I just need kindness.  Not to be mistreated.  Yeah,  that's the ticket.  I can overlook a lot if not for that. 

[Lucky Jim]

all that aside,  I just need kindness.  Not to be mistreated.  Yeah,  that's the ticket.  I can overlook a lot if not for that.

Have to agree, Turkish.  After parting ways with my BPDxW, I vowed that I would find someone kind for any future r/s.  That was my litmus test.  My current SO and I have been together for almost two years, and she is extremely kind and thoughtful, so I can confirm that it is do-able!

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

Mutual love, trust, and respect.

I tried to get it by being a rescuer/caretaker, constantly putting my partner ahead of myself until I lost myself beyond what I could have comprehended if I didn't live it.

Being yourself and expecting your partner to accept you and meet your needs has to be just as important as allowing them to be themselves, accepting them and meeting their needs.

[Lucky Jim]

Being yourself and expecting your partner to accept you and meet your needs has to be just as important as allowing them to be themselves, accepting them and meeting their needs.

Nicely put, lovenature.  I lost myself in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Now I strive for authenticity and make an effort to be myself in my new r/s.  I heard my SO say to a friend that LuckyJim always tells me to be myself, which was nice to hear!  And the friend agreed with my advice!

LJ

[polaris9]

Have to agree, Turkish.  After parting ways with my BPDxW, I vowed that I would find someone kind for any future r/s.  That was my litmus test.  My current SO and I have been together for almost two years, and she is extremely kind and thoughtful, so I can confirm that it is do-able!

I have to agree with this 100%.  I am just at the very beginning of separating and haven't really started thinking about a future relationship, but one thing that I know for sure is to find someone who is kind to me and to others.  The one other thing is that I will keep my antenna up and run at any sign of mental illness, I can't go through this again.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Turkish   Thanks for sharing. I am with you about wanting your partner to take care of herself, especially emotionally. That frees you up to be her equal partner, instead of caretaker. A relationship based on mutual respect and love, instead of need. Does that sound about right? I'm afraid I've projected my own stuff onto your comment. 

Ugh... .this sounds off, but I'm throwing it out here... .all that aside,  I just need kindness.  Not to be mistreated.  Yeah,  that's the ticket.  I can overlook a lot if not for that. 

Totally get that. And what does kind mean to you?

I ask, because pwBPD was very kind to me... .until his behavior wasn't, in my eyes. You know what I mean? He treated me kindly, but then disappeared, or had a total turnabout of feeling. But he never raged, argued, or called me names. So for me, kindness means taking my feelings into account when making decisions and taking action, for example. In my mind, it requires empathy and putting my feelings as a priority at times.

Kindness for you might mean something else. I'd love to hear what it means for you. 

I think we all can benefit from getting super clear on what these concepts mean— concretely—for us and in our relationships. In other words, what it means in "behavior-speak" for both our partners and ourselves. (It's not always easy, at least it hasn't been for me.) Then, if we can communicate precisely what kindness looks like to our partners, that is even more helpful.

heartandwhole

[Torched]

I think in terms of "kindness," non-BPD people will come up with a lot of very different experiences when describing what their relationship was like.

My ex wife was consistently cold and then "average" at best in her treatment of me.  She didn't apologize for anything, including horrible behavior, for the entire 18 year relationship, nor did she give me warm loving comments, hugs or affection before I gave it to her myself.  When I ask myself what I need nowadays from my partner (and what I LOVE about her), it is... .kindness, attention, love, and appreciation.  I'm different now in that I give her what I want to give her and I refuse to associate my treatment of her with "getting it in return."  She either does it or not.

I think many men and women here seem to be similar.  They are the same type of people I am... .fixers, helpers, givers.  They made the same mistake I did.  They expected that if they fixed, helped, and gave, their partner would reciprocate.  They looked at love as a trade.  It isn't, really.  Then they, like me, ran into a BPD.  The sad part is that this made us perfectly horrible for our BPD partners.  They would NEVER give back, because they weren't worthy in their own minds.  We made it worse.  They would be more upset the more we gave.

[livednlearned]

I don't know if I got lucky with SO, but the way I approached our relationship was kinda like learning to ride a unicycle.

If I paid to much attention to what he was doing, then boom pow pavement for me.

I mostly kept an eye on myself, more like:

I need to know that I accept myself
I need to be able to trust myself
I need to take care of myself
I need to love myself
I need to know I can trust myself

Everything came together pretty smoothly doing it that way.

We've been together 5 years. My first healthy, loving relationship 

I definitely did not think about fulfilling my own needs in any other relationship, with disastrous results.

Is this sort of saying the same thing as the book?

[heartandwhole]

We've been together 5 years. My first healthy, loving relationship 

I definitely did not think about fulfilling my own needs in any other relationship, with disastrous results.

Is this sort of saying the same thing as the book?

That is SO great, LnL. I'm happy for you. 

I like the way you brought the responsibility of meeting your needs back to yourself. I think that is a wise and healthy way to approach relationships—and not always easy, especially for those with caretaking/codependent tendencies. I admire your ability to do that.

The book doesn't explicitly say to turn the needs back onto oneself, but by exploring the beliefs and feelings connected to the needs/preoccupations, we get much more intimate with ourselves. That brings more intimacy with our partners, if they are open to doing some of the same work, or at least can hold a space for our growth. The authors kind of lead us toward a softening and/or letting go of the "protective armor" that transforms our needs  into, ultimately, "preferences." That may sound strange, but in my opinion, it's a deep dive into what we really need and who we really are.

That fact that you are keeping the focus on your needs in this relationship, and I'm sure, communicating them in responsible ways, means to me that you are already exploring the themes of undefended loving. 

For me, expressing my needs makes me feel especially vulnerable and exposed. Because of past disappointments, I tend to just try to take care of all my needs myself, because I don't expect anyone to be able to, or frankly, be interested in, tending to mine. I wonder if that's a distorted version of what the authors are getting at, though, because it's coming from a lack of trust that others will be there for me, instead of a trust in myself, if that makes sense. I suspect that this approach may actually disconnect me from my needs, as it separates me from others. Does that make sense?

How did you share your needs with your partner, while not expecting him to take care of them? Did he communicate up front that he wanted to fulfill them as best he could?

heartandwhole

[livednlearned]

For me, expressing my needs makes me feel especially vulnerable and exposed.

Part of the process involved trusting myself to be ok with those feelings. That even if I expose my vulnerabilities, I will be ok. Dating, and maybe most intimate relationships are certainly uncertain   and accepting that meant trusting I could be ok even if things didn't go the way I expected. In fact, I went into the relationship thinking about how to feel ok even if it didn't work out. While still feeling vulnerable. That's why trusting myself had to happen.

On a practical level, I started to pay more attention to how I was feeling when I was with someone, how those feelings felt in my body, what my breathing was doing, and kind of making that a priority. Instead of being preoccupied with what the other person was doing. And I got a hold of some phrases and relationship skills to help me get myself out of situations.

I have to imagine that people who grew up feeling validated take for granted that they knew what they're feeling, whereas some of us have to figure it out as adults  

Because of past disappointments, I tend to just try to take care of all my needs myself, because I don't expect anyone to be able to, or frankly, be interested in, tending to mine.

I understand this. With SO, I realized that it felt good doing nice things for him, and that if I prevented him from doing nice things for me, I was preventing him from feeling good too. I had an aha moment with compliments too -- I finally realized that the compliment is more about how he's feeling. It's his good feeling, and he is hoping I will agree that he feels good   So when he says something nice, I go along with it because it's his moment that he's trying to share. And I get to feel good in the process.

I wonder if that's a distorted version of what the authors are getting at, though, because it's coming from a lack of trust that others will be there for me, instead of a trust in myself, if that makes sense. I suspect that this approach may actually disconnect me from my needs, as it separates me from others. Does that make sense?

It makes total sense.

How did you share your needs with your partner, while not expecting him to take care of them? Did he communicate up front that he wanted to fulfill them as best he could?

I would say things like, "I have something going on right now that I'm working through. I wanted to let you know because you might sense that I'm a bit off today. Fortunately,  I have a lot of people helping me and I'm getting great advice -- so I'll tell you a little about it and then let's just enjoy the rest of the day."

At the time, I still had a few nightmares to work through in family law court, and I wanted to be able to share a little bit about what was happening without having SO feel like I needed to be rescued or saved.

It's kind of like giving people instructions on how you want to be treated.

It's one of the healthy parts of our relationship that I really cherish. I can tell him how I'm feeling, and then follow up with what I want or need from him, if anything. Usually it's, "I feel worn out today for some reason. I'm going to sit down and put my feet up for a half hour before dinner, if you feel like joining me."

He caught on pretty quick and does the same thing with me.

I don't want to make it seem like I have all of this figured out. We do go through times that create more stress and tension, and it's almost like starting from scratch in some ways. Like when his middle daughter lived with us, I felt thrown off balance and I'm sure was not being my best self.

Work in progress  

[heartandwhole]

Great insights, LnL, as usual.   Thank you for sharing them.

It's kind of like giving people instructions on how you want to be treated.

Yes, and I think this is actually a very important point. So often, we don't communicate what we need, or how we're feeling specifically. I think many of us are not sure ourselves, because we've adopted ways to avoid going there.

Today, during a conversation, with regard to a recent situation, I told a family member how I would have liked to be spoken to (specific words), instead of the way it was done originally. She took it onboard really well—I was shocked. By then, I had worked through my feelings and had let it go. But when the opening came, surprisingly, from her, I took the opportunity to share something about myself and my vulnerabilities. I wish I had been able to say what I was feeling and needed from her on the spot, instead of days later, but as you say, it's a work in progress. Always.  

heartandwhole