New member - how do I deal with demands for money?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Very briefly, my son has just turned 20 and has been dx with BPD after having a childhood DX of ADHD/ODD and teenage DX of Aspergers and depression. He also has a drug addition (cannabis) which seems to be his self-medication.

I'm struggling with all sorts of things but the biggest issue is about money. He has very little income of his own - he's not able to hold a job down and gets some disability benefit - and he spends it all on weed, and is quite badly in debt. We have sorted out the debts through a management plan, with the aim that he would then have all his money (rather than paying the credit companies) and wouldn't need to come to me. But surprise surprise, he spent it all again and is back to asking me for money, £10 or £20 every day. I don't have much money myself and when I explain and say I can't give him any, he either threatens to kill himself, or gets very aggressive towards me, or just goes on and on and on until I give in, or starts hassling my mother or daughter for money. So of course I always give in because it's easier ... .and so it goes on, day after day.

I know I need to stay strong and say no, and mean no, and stick to no, but I just don't know how to handle the aggression, I'm worried about him hassling other family members, and I worry that he will turn to crime if he can't get money anywhere else. I have had to call the police once already because of his level of aggression towards me - that was what led to him being assessed and diagnosed.

Any advice gratefully accepted!

need to find the strength

[Sapphire001]

Very briefly, my son has just turned 20 and has been dx with BPD after having a childhood DX of ADHD/ODD and teenage DX of Aspergers and depression. He also has a drug addition (cannabis) which seems to be his self-medication.

I'm struggling with all sorts of things but the biggest issue is about money. He has very little income of his own - he's not able to hold a job down and gets some disability benefit - and he spends it all on weed, and is quite badly in debt. We have sorted out the debts through a management plan, with the aim that he would then have all his money (rather than paying the credit companies) and wouldn't need to come to me. But surprise surprise, he spent it all again and is back to asking me for money, £10 or £20 every day. I don't have much money myself and when I explain and say I can't give him any, he either threatens to kill himself, or gets very aggressive towards me, or just goes on and on and on until I give in, or starts hassling my mother or daughter for money. So of course I always give in because it's easier ... .and so it goes on, day after day.

I know I need to stay strong and say no, and mean no, and stick to no, but I just don't know how to handle the aggression, I'm worried about him hassling other family members, and I worry that he will turn to crime if he can't get money anywhere else. I have had to call the police once already because of his level of aggression towards me - that was what led to him being assessed and diagnosed.

Any advice gratefully accepted!

need to find the strength

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Wanttounderstand]

Sapphire001 - I dealt with the same problem with my BPD daughter. When we knew we were giving her too much money to continue living the way she was, we took it all away. The condition was thatnif she would go to DBT therapy we would restore what we had taken away. That didn't work. It made her hate us more.

We comtinued to pay for college tuition, car insurance, health insurance, monthly expenses etc... .then she came to us and said she was leaving the family with now forwarding address.

Finally at that point we did cut off all credit cards and financial support. This time she had disappeared on her own and these ar th consequences. Of course I second guess myself, and wonder how she will end up, but it was HER decision to go AWOL and that takes away the guilt.

It has been six months with. One contact from her. I'm praying God is using this time to bring her back to her senses and to who she really is without interference from me.

Family counselors do not advocate enabling bad behavior, but with a BPD is is SO hard to know what to do.

I understand.

[momwhocries]

My BPD daughter uses my grandson as leverage when it comes to money. We have said no more and in turn I do not get to see my grandson (the only grandbaby we have).  Although my heart is totally crushed I know that giving her more money would only get me one visit.  We have given her more then 30K in the last 3 years and she still shut me out when I said no.

It hurts like hell but I pray someday soon she will see the light and open her heart back up.

Momwhocries

[RunningWithScissors]

Sapphire001 -

Has giving money in the past helped your child? Has giving money hurt you?  Answering these questions honestly will be the first step in finding a strategy that works. 

Establishing boundaries is essential for you, and for them.  As a parent, you want to help but it can be difficult to distinguish helping from enabling.  If you can find other ways to help, such as researching what supports are available to your family member, then offer that kind of help.  It's perfectly OK to say 'No, I can't offer any money right now'. You are not obligated to obtain their approval of your decisions.

In my case, my BPDstepson moved out of the family home and quickly found himself in dire straights.  It was gut wrenching to get phone calls from him, telling us he was homeless, living on the streets, getting beaten up and robbed.  To make a long story short, we didn't rescue him but allowed him to experience the consequences of his (poor) decisions.  It took time, and rock solid boundaries, but he is now living independently successfully.  Our story is posted in the 'Breakthroughs' thread at the top of this page. 

Change can happen, but with BPD, it will likely require you to change first.  I encourage you to seek out resources that can help, such as therapists and counsellors.  It's well worth the investment of your time and energy.

Good luck!

[Huat]

Hello Sapphire001.

I like Running-With-Scissors' post.

It is very tricky to give someone else advice.  The questions he/she asked... ."Has giving money in the past helped your child?"... ."Has giving money hurt you?"... .is letting you answer your own questions about continuing to hand your son money.

In the case of Running-With-Scissors, the outcome from exercising "tough love" was successful.  While a wonderful outcome for him/her, sadly that is not always the case... .but what is the point on continuing the way you are if it is not working?  (Lesson 2 at the right "If your current approach is not working - change it."

God forbid that your son would turn to crime to subsidize himself but that would be his choice.  You cannot control his choices... .he does.  It is so difficult and sometimes heart-wrenching to watch the child you love make bad ones.

It is sad to read that you have had to call the police because of his aggression but if that is what it takes to ensure your safety... .the safety of your family... .it has to be done.  Have you had a chance to actually sit down with someone at the police department and have a conversation about what is happening in the family?

My heart goes out to you Sapphire001.  You don't deserve this!  By reading of what others have posted, you can see you are not alone.  Others, too, are struggling to maintain working relationships with their offspring.  I hope it helps you to keep reaching out on this forum.  You are being heard.

[Mitmit]

Hi,  I am experiencing exactly the same situation with my daughter so I truly understand your pain. I have the same fears of her turning to crime to get money or taking her own life. I wish I had the answers but just wanted you to know your not alone. I am currently supporting her financially to buy food and cigarettes, which I buy, but am trying hard to not give her cash ... .although some days i just give in to her constant requests and then I feel such guilt. I know tough love is probably the way forward but it is so hard to watch the person you love suffering and so desperate.

[Sapphire001]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I snapped at the weekend, having discovered he'd stolen from my purse (again) after I gave him money at the weekend. We sat down and I explained that from now on I would do the normal p[arenting things - make sure he has food, clean clothes, be there if he needs someone to talk to etc - but I would not be giving him money for his drug addiction. he seemed to take it well, said he understood and respected my decision - and less than an hour later was back asking for cash, raging, smashing up his room ... .I just stood firm. He managed to get weed on tick so he was happy ... but at least I didn't pay for it. Hurray! Yesterday he did the same thing, started asking for money, text me over and over at work, said he was smashing the house up, asked my mum and daughter for money or to be guarantors on payday loans... .again I held firm and eventually he found another mug to lend him money to pay off his debt and buy more weed. So he still got weed, but again it wasn't me who paid for it.

Today he got some benefit money so he's happy for now ... .but I know it will only last a couple of days and he'll be back asking for money again. Not sure how long I can keep going, but I'm determined, for now.

The good news is he has got back in contact with the drug counselling service and has promised to engage ... .we'll see ... and he's also promised to give our local Mind group a chance. We've also had a referral form for the Complex Needs Service but it says it will be four months before he even gets to go to an information day and then another 12 months before he will have an individual assessment. All due to funding cuts ... .he might be dead in 16 months

Hate this BPD and all that goes with it. It turns my funny, caring son into a selfish monster.

[Lollypop]

Hi sapphire

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know how it feels. My DS26 is addicted to skunk. My heart goes out to you. I’m in the uk too.

For what it’s worth I came to the same decision as you. I gave my son food and a bed and not one penny else. He was 24 at the time and at 20 I was always making excuses for him and myself as to why he couldn’t take responsibility for himself (or why I couldn’t give it to him). My DS got dx at 24.

Faced with the reality of a non functioning young adult I stopped enabling him by not giving him money. I watched my purse like a hawk. If other members of the family gave him money I was blunt, he’ll spend it on weed.

Eventually family and friends and even dealers stop!

I stayed firm. It took him three weeks to find a days work and it was the very beginning of positive change. He’s working, he’s managing his money, bought himself a car etc, and still smokes. He’s done amazingly well with this change in approach.

For my DS to behave like an adult he needdd to be treated like one. Gently forwards.

How are you when he gets angry? Do you find yourself reacting?

Hugs to you

LP

[Sapphire001]

Lollipop, thank you so much for your message. Really gives me hope that maybe, maybe things will get better. I've still held firm, he has some of his own money right now but I know it won't last for long and I know I have to be strong when he starts asking again. my mum and daughter have both vowed not to give him money and I guess there's only so long before his friends and dealers stop too.

I think it's probably skunk he smokes - it's far far stronger than the stuff I dabbled with in my youth.

Thanks again ... .after reading so many tales of devastation and destruction on here, it's really lifted my spirits to hear that things can and do improve!

[Lollypop]

Hi

I couldn’t always work out my emotions and desire to fix, his seemingly endless inability to do anything, sheer frustrations, inescapable little boy lost behaviour.  I’d cave in and give in just for a quiet life. I fed into this for far too long. I’d get confused and bounce around then one day I got some advice, a rule to live by. Here’s the scenario:

Business Letter arrives addressed to DS.  I’d google the post code and see it was from a debt collection agency. I’d wonder what debt it related to, worry if it was a new one that I don’t know about. If I gave him the letter it would remain unopened and stuffed in a drawer.  I’d reason myself into opening the letter. If it related to his bank debt then that’s nearly 7 years old, it’ll be written off soon. I’d convince myself that I should open it, it’s best that I know so that I can “help” advise him. I’d convince myself that he just couldn’t cope, he was depressed, he wouldn’t know how to deal with it, he really needed me to help him.

the rule is - ask yourself the question:

Is this problem/issue my responsibility?

Everything that he should do for himself, he should do for himself.

Yes, he will fail but he will learn by the consequences of his actions.

That’s how we all learn.

I wouldn’t dream of opening up post belonging to another adult. It’s distrspectful, against the law, it’s none of my business, whatever is in there isn’t my problem. Why do I think it’s ok for me to do that when it’s my son? I didn’t open the letter and left the responsibility of it with my DS to do with as he saw fit. 

I hope this helps

Hugs

LP

[Sapphire001]

Agh I held strong for four days and then caved in yesterday, think DS caught me at a weak moment. And caved in not just once but three times - firstly for a tenner for weed that he promised to split, next for another tenner as he'd "been offered a good deal" that would keep him going till next week (yeah yeah), then for ANOTHER tenner after the "good deal" turned out to be a load of tree leaves and he was really angry about being ripped off.

So annoyed with myself for doing that. I spoke to a drug counselling helpline last night but don't know if it really helped as the guy just kept on about how once I hold firm for a period of time I'll have to start locking my possessions away because DS will start selling them for drugs. Umm yeah I'm fully aware of that, I don't need reminding of the fact ... .

Anyway, back to square one today. he has no money as he spent his benefit in two days, no money coming in for ten days ... .it's going to be a long few weeks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders