My wife and I talking about breaking up

[RomanticFool]

So the reality of my situation is unravelling before my eyes. No sooner have I broken contact with my uexBPD lover when I decided to try and address my marriage problems by having a talk with my wife. I had suggested that we get our bed sorted out this weekend and that we need to spend more time together. She replied that I have had lots of time to sort the bed out (we are currently sleeping in separate rooms because she says she cannot sleep in it) and I told her that I felt it needs both of us to sort it out. She has been planning lots of trips to climb mountains and also to go and see bands and she says she is currently discovering who she is as I have been away alot. This is true both physically and emotionally. I told her that I thought our marriage was in trouble as we haven't slept together for 8 years and I feel that she isn't interested in me and she has now suggested that she moves out. Only last week she told me how much she loved me. This is all sounding so familiar and there are similarities with the ex here in her emotional inconsistency.

In all honesty this is exactly the outcome I have been expecting all along. A healthy r/s doesn't abstain from sex for 8 years and I don't think either one of us really has the desire to work on it. There are many things I could do, including trying to talk her around but I am emotionally exhausted. I actually think some time apart would do me the world of good. I no longer know what I really want but I don't think my wife and I are compatible any longer (if we ever were in the first place). She told me that she doesn't really enjoy the things I do anymore and was just going along with it at the beginning of the r/s because she didn't know who she really was. Apparently the person she really is deep down is a punk rocker. Hey ho.

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[patientandclear]

Wow, RF, that sounds really jolting and hurtful, particularly on the heels of your decision to focus on your marriage and bring your affair relationship to a conclusion.  How are you doing?

[once removed]

hey RF,

just saw this:

There were discussions about breaking up and not being interested enough in each other but we have been talking a great deal and we both feel that our bond is strong.  

what happened? tell us more.

[Meili]

Hey RF, sorry to hear about the turn of events in light of your recent decisions. I don't think that anyone could blame you for being emotionally exhausted.

I am in the camp that believes that trying to talk someone into maintaining a relationship with you only prolongs things. It works so much better if we show them that they want to be in a relationship with us.

I know that you said that you think that some space may do you some good right now. Keep us posted on what you decide to do. We are here to support you either way.

[RomanticFool]

Hey all,

Thanks for your responses.

what happened? tell us more.

I basically said that there were things we needed to work on. My wife felt that I wasn't happy (it triggered her own abandonment issues) and she started saying that she wasn't happy either. I suggested that we get divorced and she burst into tears. She then had to go to work. I texted her and apologised and she apologised too and then we had a frank discussion that night. I said I felt we needed to make more time for each other, show more interest in each other and listen more. She agreed with all of the above and said she loved me. So this weekend we are going to finally sort out the bed together. It will take time as I have to throw some junk out, get some allen keys for the old bed (I lost the originals) take her down to choose a bed and then get it delivered. It will be a whole deal but we are doing it.

Wow, RF, that sounds really jolting and hurtful, particularly on the heels of your decision to focus on your marriage and bring your affair relationship to a conclusion.  How are you doing?

It was jolting but I kind of bulldozed my way into discussing it. There was probably a better way of doing it but sometimes having a fight can give a shock to the system and make you both sit up. What is clear is that neither one of us wants to get divorced. So I have high hopes for sorting other things out. I am emotionally exhausted but for once not because of a femme fatale 200 miles away... .

Hey RF, sorry to hear about the turn of events in light of your recent decisions. I don't think that anyone could blame you for being emotionally exhausted.

Thank you. I am reiterating it because it is an accurate description. I am emotionally exhausted and it's all my own doing ie decision I made to involve myself with somebody unavailable while I was also unavailable. Let that be a lesson!

I am in the camp that believes that trying to talk someone into maintaining a relationship with you only prolongs things. It works so much better if we show them that they want to be in a relationship with us.

I agree. I was very blunt in the end because I respect my wife and don't want to lie to her anymore than I already have. I wasn't saying you have to do this or that but just calling us both out on the problems in the r/s so that we could talk about them. I said we needed more intimacy in the r/s and she agreed.

I remember one time suggesting on here that my wife may be on the BPD spectrum and somebody accused me of being a typical man who blames women for his own weaknesses. I guess it seemed like that but there can be no doubt that I seem to be attracted to women who are unavailable in some way. Despite being co-dependent myself and always feeling like I wanted love. I remember when I was younger and had a beautiful woman smothering me with love, I ran away feeling engulfed. So it could be that I too am on the spectrum. I certainly relate to some of the BPD behaviours.

I'm going to steer away from self diagnosis and concentrate on doing the things in our r/s I know makes us both happy. My wife has already booked a holiday next year. We are spending more time together over the weekend. She does listen when I have issues and tries to fix them. What I need to focus on more with her is our intimate time, because I think she is afraid in case it all goes wrong. Me too for that matter.

I know that you said that you think that some space may do you some good right now. Keep us posted on what you decide to do. We are here to support you either way

Thanks for the support. The further I get away from the ex, the closer I feel to my wife.  I miss her still at times but with nowhere near the intensity and for the first time in years I have hopes of a full r/s with my wife.

RF

[Meili]

That is all really good to hear. Remember, empathy and validation go a long way to help increase intimacy.

[once removed]

RF, i want to offer both a congrats and some caution.

when i was around 18, i fell into a really great group of friends. they meant a great deal to me and were a hugely significant part of my life. some weird things happened to me, physically and psychologically after i graduated and i began withdrawing from the world and those friends. always in the back of my mind was getting back to those friendships. for that reason i didnt completely lose touch but sent out occasional feelers. meanwhile time moved on. i got with my ex, which was its own obstacle in reconnecting with those friends.

fast forward to the end of my relationship. i knew it was generally good advice to reconnect with old friends. i finally took the initiative. they werent interested. they had moved on.

we had grown apart.

you and your wife have grown apart.

at the risk of projecting, you may see it similarly to how i did, and take time and space and lack of intimacy for granted. your wife may take them for granted as well, but shes telling you that during all of this time, the two of you have grown apart.

My wife felt that I wasn't happy (it triggered her own abandonment issues) and she started saying that she wasn't happy either. I suggested that we get divorced and she burst into tears.

it wasnt exactly playing by the "fair fighting rules" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0) for her to respond with "im not happy either", but it was very much to be expected. responding to that with a suggestion of divorce is not playing by the fair fighting rules either, and if you think about it, its a part of your overall tendency. i think the best response would have been to stop, and do nothing but listen.

bottom line, you dont want the outcome of your marriage to hinge on her abandonment issues. thats not to say it isnt a good thing for you both to be faced with the prospect of separation and realize it isnt what either of you want, if it is the catalyst for real change.

i think most of that real change is incumbent upon you. i think its incumbent upon you to lead. not to get her to agree with you and otherwise divorce. youve said you felt you both needed to make more time for each other, show interest in each other, and listen more. okay. but dont let that translate to a demand/ultimatum. lead.

things do sound promising. you both appear, at least, to be in agreement. there is a lot of work that remains.

[RomanticFool]

Hi once removed,

it wasnt exactly playing by the "fair fighting rules" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0) for her to respond with "im not happy either", but it was very much to be expected. responding to that with a suggestion of divorce is not playing by the fair fighting rules either, and if you think about it, its a part of your overall tendency. i think the best response would have been to stop, and do nothing but listen.

I like the fair fighting rules. If I could apply those at all times with my wife, we'd rarely argue. Actually, we don't argue that much these days. I agree that it is my tendency to push/pull once emotionally engaged. At the time it seemed like a great idea to lay it all out on the table and be honest. But what I think I was really doing was trying to make myself feel better. I shared in another post that this is my mechanism regarding work too: making bad decisions to make myself feel better in the short term. It has damaged my career and it damages relationships. I feel many emotions intensely and struggle to remain empathic at those times.

bottom line, you dont want the outcome of your marriage to hinge on her abandonment issues. thats not to say it isnt a good thing for you both to be faced with the prospect of separation and realize it isnt what either of you want, if it is the catalyst for real change.

I always try to reassure her of my commitment to the marriage. I am aware of the irony of that statement. However, I do not want my wife to feel constantly insecure because I know her abandonment issues are as pronounced as mine.

I think laying the idea of separation on the table was good for both of us because I think we both needed a jolt regarding what that would feel like. We had a date night film at home tonight. I sense she is struggling a little with an emotional hangover from the row but I intend to start stepping up a little. It's her birthday next week and I need to get creative.

i think most of that real change is incumbent upon you. i think its incumbent upon you to lead. not to get her to agree with you and otherwise divorce. youve said you felt you both needed to make more time for each other, show interest in each other, and listen more. okay. but dont let that translate to a demand/ultimatum. lead.

I agree. We have put the weekend away to prepare for getting the new bed. It will be an upheaval for her because she is now used to having her own room, space and uninterrupted sleep. I have already said that if she struggles to get to sleep then she can always go back into the spare room but we should start every night by sleeping in the same bed. I am trying not to make demands or give her ultimatums. She is an intelligent woman and she knows our r/s is currently dysfunctional. There is an appetite to fix it on both sides.

things do sound promising. you both appear, at least, to be in agreement. there is a lot of work that remains.

Yes, she did say to me that there are other ways of expressing intimacy rather than sex. She is preparing to face her own fears around these issues and I am doing the same. We will see.

[once removed]

old habits are hard to drop, and new habits are hard to learn. youre working to do both, and against a lot of strain, in trying circumstances. keep going. just dont lose sight of the big picture.

[Skip]

You made a really great summary of what you learned from the affair. Now you face the choice of using those same, not-so-constructive tools with your wife, or to re-invent yourself.

First and foremost, don't lose sight of where you are. You are nursing a broken heart. Don't put that on your wife. Come here an nurse it. Its crazy to say your emotionally exhausted from dealing with you wife... .

Don't lose sight of where she is. She's been grossly neglected for years. Rather than blow up her marriage, she accepted a loveless / childless life and learned to love and care for herself. It's not fair to suggest that she is Borderline. A person with BPD could not cope and adapt like she has. She new something was very wrong. If anything, he is a highly functional person.

A healthy relationship is fostered by loving, adoring, cherishing a women. In a situation like this, it will need to be a slow steady growing thing for it to be trusted - don't make it a rush to mediocre sex. You will be disappointed.

Do you want to build a marriage? Or are you mostly needing a sex life, and would be fine to have your wife continue to live a separate life.

Lastly, remember, you're wounded.Being kind and supportive to others will bring kindness and support back to you.

[RomanticFool]

You made a really great summary of what you learned from the affair. Now you face the choice of using those same, not-so-constructive tools with your wife, or to re-invent yourself.

I don't feel I need to reinvent myself. I feel I need to recover from falling in love with the wrong person. Yes, I am now aware of my own empathic impairment when stressed but that has not really been a factor in my r/s with my wife. My wife and I have never had the same communication problems as myself and the ex. Sex has really been our problem and that is down to both of us.

First and foremost, don't lose sight of where you are. You are nursing a broken heart. Don't put that on your wife. Come here an nurse it. Its crazy to say your emotionally exhausted from dealing with you wife... .

Yes, I am nursing a broken heart and that is why I am emotionally exhausted. Not from my wife, but from my ex. However, the discussion my wife and I had around possibly breaking up was 'emotionally draining' - her words not mine. Perhaps, as they say, you had to have been there to understand.

Don't lose sight of where she is. She's been grossly neglected for years. Rather than blow up her marriage, she accepted a loveless / childless life and learned to love and care for herself. It's not fair to suggest that she is Borderline. A person with BPD could not cope and adapt like she has. She new something was very wrong. If anything, he is a highly functional person.

I'm sorry but you are overstating the case.  I don't think my wife feels neglected or like I've been absent, she just has a fear of intimacy, particularly around sex and has been as complicit as I have in accepting the way things are.

Being childless has nothing to do with my affair and I think you are leaping to a conclusion without knowing the details around that issue. She was pregnant early on when we started dating and long before the ex came back into my life. She unfortunately had a miscarriage and we discussed possibly trying to get pregnant again. However, she decided that she didn't want to get pregnant again because the emotional impact was too much on her and that was way way before the ex was ever on the horizon and way before we ever got married. She stuck to this position long after the miscarriage and so I knew it wasn't just the grief talking. By the time we got married we had both accepted we weren't going to have kids and hadn't slept together for 2 years at that point. Ironically, there came a point during our marriage where she thought she might like to try to get pregnant again. We attempted to have sex one night but she said she was too scared. Then for a few weeks after she wanted to try using artificial means. We tried that and then she discovered mountain climbing and no longer wanted to get pregnant. Those are the facts.

Regarding the Borderline issue, I was asking myself why I keep getting involved with emotionally unavailable women - something which my wife admits to being at times herself. The anecdote I mentioned was when I first started coming onto these boards and mentioned that my wife had intimacy issues and asked whether this was anything to do with BPD. That was when I had a few people berate me for blaming all of my woes on the women in my life. However, that was not was I was doing then or now. All I am trying to do is seek answers about my own traits and the traits of those I get involved with. I am not a psychiatrist and do not feel qualified to diagnose anybody with BPD. I am seeking answers to my wife's behaviour as much as my own. You know a great deal about BPD and I accept your conclusion, but that doesn't mean that I don't have the right to ask the question. I am confused as to why you think it's such a terrible thing that I have considered the question. I am not assuaging myself of blame or guilt around the affair. I accept it fully and that my wife is the injured party in that regard. However, she is not aware that I have had an affair, that much I can promise you.

My wife has always been independent, that was not a reaction to me having an affair. Before our marriage, one of my bug bears used to be when I had been away working I used to come home and felt she barely noticed I had been away. I am certain that she has no idea that anything was wrong or is wrong now. She told me that she only said she was unhappy during our row because she thought I wanted to leave the r/s. She has never had a functional r/s. Her previous partner was controlling and abusive. She has always told me that she felt looked after by comparison.

Now, I am not excusing my behaviour nor the impact that an affair has on a r/s. What I am saying is that the full emotional impact has been visited squarely upon my shoulders - which is no les than I deserve. I have managed to keep up appearances at home and you yourself counselled me, very accurately, to get out of the affair before it did affect my wife. That point was instrumental in my decision to walk away from the ex 6 months ago. I am not excusing myself for the morally reprehensible behaviour. All I am doing is giving you the facts because if we are going to have a meaningful discussion it cannot be based upon wrongful assumptions.

A healthy relationship is fostered by loving, adoring, cherishing a women. In a situation like this, it will need to be a slow steady growing thing for it to be trusted - don't make it a rush to mediocre sex. You will be disappointed.

This I agree with. We have not had sex for 8 years. It is going to be terrifying for us both. I have no intention of rushing it. I will be pleased with any kind of intimacy with my wife. It doesn't have to be sex. Snuggling up in bed would be a vast improvement.

Do you want to build a marriage? Or are you mostly needing a sex life, and would be fine to have your wife continue to live a separate life.

I am not somebody who has ever really indulged in sex for sex sake. I always fall in love - that is my pathology, which I think is connected to romantic idealisation and co-dependency. Given that I have had my heart handed to me on a silver platter again and again during the r/s with my ex, I am not about to start using my wife just for sex. We have a marriage what we don't have is intimacy or a sex life. I am going to try - I don't know what will happen. I still have some grief over the ex but I am hoping to get rid of any obstacle between rekindling our love life - in time.

Lastly, remember, you're wounded.Being kind and supportive to others will bring kindness and support back to you.

I have always been kind to my wife. Yes, we argue but the type of toxic energy I am capable of visiting on people when I don't get my own way - was gone from our r/s years ago. This was partly to do with AA and partly because we used to stand toe to toe and argue our cases - my wife is a tough cookie - and in the end we both decided it was a waste of energy. We practise the AA programme in our interactions and are gentle with each other.

I have major regrets over the way I interacted with the ex. However, as much as you have been my moral conscience in these discussions (don't think I don't appreciate your candour) you know that my ex probably does have BPD traits and that I have been provoked in a way that I did not know how to respond to. I have read on here from yourself and lots of others how untrustworthy some pwBPD are and how manipulative and selfish their disorder can render them. Trust was always an issue between myself and my ex from the very start because she was unboundaried and inconsiderate regarding my feelings. I am not doing a character assassination on her, just telling you how I perceive things.

When you feel you are so in love with a person that you want to be with them every minute of the day and then the ST starts - this is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a truck. The perpetual lack of empathy or interest she continually displayed towards me from the very beginning of the r/s, which was then repeated after a period of what I took to be intense love between us, pushed me over the edge time and again. I did not behave well, I said things to her I deeply regret but I simply did not have the tools to deal with her pathology. If I could change anything it would be to remain civil even after feeling badly wronged. The thing that has hit home the hardest is something you said recently - no matter how much you think they will see things from your point of view, they never will. They are only interested in their own emotional life. This is my ex down to a tee.

[spacecadet]

Hi RomanticFool, you've gotten great advice from the veterans here. The details about your past and the pregnancy/miscarriage give additional perspective. First, you have my admiration for coming to terms with where you've been, and my hat's off to you for reinvesting yourself in your marriage.

There are a few beliefs and attitudes you seem to hold which I'd like to challenge a bit. I haven't read anything here that speaks of either of you having a personality disorder, be it B or any other. You both sound wounded from FOO issues and /or previous adult r/s trauma. Everyone fears abandonment to some degree, and all r/s include negotiating / power struggles over closeness, time etc. You've reach an equilibrium that does not leave either of you satisfied, so you now need to re-negotiate a lot of this. Have you considered the impact of your individual attachment styles, how each of you prefers to express love and have it expressed to you? etc.

I hear you compartmentalize sex and physical intimacy from every other part of the r/s, and your focus on "the bed" is emblematic of this. They cannot be teased apart. Physical intimacy is one facet of the conversation you both have every day. Intimacy does not require a bed, it happens anywhere. She hears "bed = we must have sex asap" and no one likes this kind of pressure. She needs a season of affectionate talk, flirting then touching, and let some touching happen without sex. Can you remember what sparked you both years ago? Think I wrote before of the value of flirting or playfulness. She will long for affection sooner if you come out and tell her you want time and togetherness more than sex. (if it's not true maybe you can fake it?) She needs to feel like your sweetheart for the first time in a long time.

The heartbreak of your miscarriage and not having children is part of your intimate life. Your wife may, as you intuit, carry wounds from this into the bedroom. Have the two of you really grieved? These questions are for you to answer within yourself in your own time, tell us if you wish... .Was there (or might there be, down the road when you've rebuilt your marriage) talk of adopting or fostering children? You talk of her grief and fear, but you convey nothing of how you feel about not having a family. Is it accurate to say you had little or no say in the matter? Might this be a void or wound within you which fueled your desire for your ex? This line of inquiry might be part of the healing you need now.

You are certain your wife knows nothing of the affair. Don't be sure, people are pretty intuitive and she certainly knows that your passion and energies have been elsewhere for years. That's not to judge, nor am I suggesting you come clean about it. But lack of sex may be her way of protecting herself from the emotional vacuum you left all the years you were chasing your ex. And she may in fact know MUCH more than you realize. One of your values is fairness, yes? You've been "away" a long time, please don't expect her to metamorphose to meet your needs overnight... .she needs time to heal from your absence and feel connected with you again.

Last, rebuilding your marriage will take a season of time. You'll have moments of hopes and highs, and discouragement and hopelessness as well -- both of you. So be ready to weather this. It sounds like you hold one another in high regard, and you are in the habit of being kind to one another. While hot times in the perfect bed can't hurt, the qualities you have are much more to work with to create a loving marriage.

I write this in mid-move, no furniture, but your story is compelling and I wish you a joyful and fulfilling future.

[RomanticFool]

Hi wisedup22,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I note from the amount of posts you have made that you are a fairly new member? You sound like a veteran though, so I'm guessing you know a thing or two about r/s, am I right?

Let me address your points.

There are a few beliefs and attitudes you seem to hold which I'd like to challenge a bit. I haven't read anything here that speaks of either of you having a personality disorder, be it B or any other. You both sound wounded from FOO issues and /or previous adult r/s trauma. Everyone fears abandonment to some degree, and all r/s include negotiating / power struggles over closeness, time etc. You've reach an equilibrium that does not leave either of you satisfied, so you now need to re-negotiate a lot of this. Have you considered the impact of your individual attachment styles, how each of you prefers to express love and have it expressed to you? etc.

I take it you mean my wife and I? My ex, in my opinion, most certainly has got BPD. I understand there is a BPD spectrum and the reason I have been questioning myself and my wife is because even if we were at the very beginning of the spectrum, it would be important to know. I am not qualified to diagnose anybody.  I only say my ex has BPD based on what i have read here and her pathologically self centred behaviour. She swears blind she doesn't have it.

I agree that everybody fears abandonment to some degree, but my wife has it in spades. In her case she never knew her father and her mother seems to have some issues around intimacy, self-centredness and control. My wife's father has been a violent alcoholic. With that background there is most certainly trauma. If there has been trauma in my early years I'm not really aware of it. In many ways I had an idyllic childhood and yet I became an alcoholic. Go figure.

My wife and I express love verbally (by saying I love you) by cuddling and by being considerate to each other. The only thing missing is sex. I have never, nor will I ever, pressure my wife for sex. I guarantee you the issues in our marriage were already there in her make up. I also disagree with your assertion that we are unsatisfied. I think she is happy with the way things are. She has actually diagnosed herself as a sexual anorexic.

I hear you compartmentalize sex and physical intimacy from every other part of the r/s, and your focus on "the bed" is emblematic of this. They cannot be teased apart. Physical intimacy is one facet of the conversation you both have every day. Intimacy does not require a bed, it happens anywhere. She hears "bed = we must have sex asap" and no one likes this kind of pressure. She needs a season of affectionate talk, flirting then touching, and let some touching happen without sex. Can you remember what sparked you both years ago? Think I wrote before of the value of flirting or playfulness. She will long for affection sooner if you come out and tell her you want time and togetherness more than sex. (if it's not true maybe you can fake it?) She needs to feel like your sweetheart for the first time in a long time.

We have never been very sexual with each other. The big problem we have is that we were never really intimate or sexual with each other at any point apart from the very beginning. It wore off quickly and it was to do with my inability to sustain an erection due to physical issues (trust me it is not psychological) and this has ebbed and flowed (even with viagra) over a period of many years. She immediately retreated after the first time it happened and decided she was going to resign from sex as she didn't want to 'pressure' me. Since I was struggling to do it, I didn't feel like objecting too much. We probably should never have got married because I'm not sure the physical attraction was ever there. I am actually trying to discover it now. But so far success has been limited. We are working on it and being loving towards each other - but perhaps you cannot fake sexual attraction.

The heartbreak of your miscarriage and not having children is part of your intimate life. Your wife may, as you intuit, carry wounds from this into the bedroom. Have the two of you really grieved? These questions are for you to answer within yourself in your own time, tell us if you wish... .Was there (or might there be, down the road when you've rebuilt your marriage) talk of adopting or fostering children? You talk of her grief and fear, but you convey nothing of how you feel about not having a family. Is it accurate to say you had little or no say in the matter? Might this be a void or wound within you which fueled your desire for your ex? This line of inquiry might be part of the healing you need now.

The heartbreak of the miscarriage lasted for me a matter of months. For my wife about a year.  We did have sex following that and I don't believe it is necessarily connected to our sexual problems. What it is connected to is my wife's sense of self worth. When having children seemed to not be happening she went through a period of trying to figure out who she is and what she wants from life. The answer is mountain climbing. She is travelling around the world to pursue her interest. She has always been independent in this way and I applaud her for it. I am going to climb some UK mountains with her but I have dodgy lungs so there is a limit to what I can do. My wife and I care for each other and enjoy each other's company but in my opinion there is little sexual attraction.

Having children has never really been on my wish list and isn't now. I feel absolutely nothing when people ask if I regret not having kids. I see other people with children and I recoil from the idea of having these very needy little people demand all one's times and attention and then eventually leave home and cost even more money. The idea of adopting or fostering kids, frankly, fills me with horror. I'm too old now anyway. My work became my obsession from my early 20's and this has never waned. I also play piano and write and so there is very little time for what I have to do now, let alone raise children.

I think what fuelled my desire for my ex was that I took one look at her when we met 15 years in the pub and it was love at first sight. (This was long before I ever met my wife and I was single). I was besotted by her. I had never met anybody like her. She was beautiful, elegant, alternative and combative all at once. I felt like I had met this Goddess and tragically for me, my opinion never really shifted despite her ST, selfishness and general lack of empathy for anything to do with me or my life unless I was showering her with compliments. I think because she was very beautiful in her youth, she has never been able to cope with ageing and losing her looks (the way she sees it) and generally feeling worthless. Clearly this is more to do with her BPD self image distortion and she has had alot of cosmetic work done. In my opinion she looks incredible at 60. I only have to stand near her and I am excited. But that has all gone now, I could not stand her lack of consideration and pathologically selfish and thoughtless behaviour towards me. Today I thought of all the times she gave me ST. It lasted for weeks at a time. She has been a dangerous femme fatale in my life and, regardless of my lingering love for her, I am glad to be away from all that pain.

You are certain your wife knows nothing of the affair. Don't be sure, people are pretty intuitive and she certainly knows that your passion and energies have been elsewhere for years. That's not to judge, nor am I suggesting you come clean about it. But lack of sex may be her way of protecting herself from the emotional vacuum you left all the years you were chasing your ex. And she may in fact know MUCH more than you realize. One of your values is fairness, yes? You've been "away" a long time, please don't expect her to metamorphose to meet your needs overnight... .she needs time to heal from your absence and feel connected with you again.

My wife knows nothing of the affair and neither is she protecting herself. I met up with the ex so rarely that there is nothing to be suspicious about. I am often away with work and my wife barely noticed I was away. I have suffered bouts of depression connected to the affair but because my work is so all consuming my wife assumed it was down to that. I am a creative type and she says to me that my head is always going in a million different directions and I always have a thousand projects on the go. She is exactly the same. We constantly tell each other that we need to practise mindfulness with each other and put distractions away when we go out. We actually had a lovely weekend where we gave each other quality time. I also started to make way for the new bed but I haven't completed what I need to do yet. Nor have I mentioned it because I don't want to put pressure on either one of us.  She told me this weekend that she had a lovely time with me and we told each other that we love the other many times.

Last, rebuilding your marriage will take a season of time. You'll have moments of hopes and highs, and discouragement and hopelessness as well -- both of you. So be ready to weather this. It sounds like you hold one another in high regard, and you are in the habit of being kind to one another. While hot times in the perfect bed can't hurt, the qualities you have are much more to work with to create a loving marriage.

I feel none of this emotional volatility at all regarding my wife - it is all connected to the ex. Frankly, I feel a vague sense of boredom, which I always do once the ex goes out of my life. I have had many years of what feels like unrequited love from my ex (apart from the brief golden period of about a year) and that has taken an emotional toll on me. I feel exhausted from that. But my wife is good for me and I believe I am good for her in many ways. We have discussed and dismissed the idea of divorce and so I think we will jog along as happy as it is possible to be without passion, unless something suddenly ignites. After experiencing the trauma of being connected to the ex, that is preferable than suicidal ideation which was where I was in February/March time and it leaked into April, May and then June when she told me she tried to kill herself. Our love was negligent (especially on her part) toxic (on both sides) and I must recover and heal the emotional wound.

I write this in mid-move, no furniture, but your story is compelling and I wish you a joyful and fulfilling future.

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time and trouble... .