Does BPD only come appear in intimate relationships?

[startrekuser]

My uBPD wife swears that she never before had the types of relationship problems that she has with me and my family.  I don't believe it.  I think she had some of the symptoms of BPD in the past, but just not full-blown BPD b/c she was never married.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, marriage does tend to encourage them to display the BPD on steroids. They know we're ensnared and not going anywhere quickly, so they can let it all hang out, if they choose.

When they're single, they need to keep up the act so that people don't desert them, as they've had a history of that. However, to those of us educated in the ways of BPD, there will always be obvious "tells" that slip through.

The problem is that when we first meet them and they show their wonderful side, we want so desperately to believe it that we overlook the crazy, explain it away: "Oh they're just stressed by______."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey startrekuser, Don't kid yourself; of course she has had conflicts in the past, though perhaps not to the extent you have observed in your marriage.  As Cat notes, marriage seems to bring out BPD symptoms in the extreme, yet those closest to her have no doubt witnessed other incidents, perhaps at work, perhaps within the family, perhaps in business relationships such as a landlord, and definitely in prior intimate relationships with a Significant Other.

LJ

[startrekuser]

This thread jogged my memory.  I was working with someone who's wife worked in my wife's company and the word in that company was that my wife had a hair trigger temper.  She would blow up at other employees.

[babyducks]

BPD is about fear of abandonment,... .an insecure attachment style.    The people most attached,  the people who mean the most to a pwBPD will likely generate the most severe fears of abandonment and the most dramatic maladaptive coping traits.

pwBPD normally have a history of high conflict relationships,   arguments with coworkers, family and friends.   Often times you'll hear 'people never really understand me'.    or 'people have always treated me badly.'

[EdR]

BPD is about fear of abandonment,... .an insecure attachment style.    The people most attached,  the people who mean the most to a pwBPD will likely generate the most severe fears of abandonment and the most dramatic maladaptive coping traits.

pwBPD normally have a history of high conflict relationships,   arguments with coworkers, family and friends.   Often times you'll hear 'people never really understand me'.    or 'people have always treated me badly.'

I believe the bold part to be true as well. Even 'very good friends' (in the eyes of the BPD) will not necessarily notice the characteristic BPD traits if their friendship is essentially superficial (partying and such).

An emotional bond seems to be key here... .

And that's what is personally kind of hard for me... .So she treated me this way, because she actually really felt a connection... .That's still messed up and just really sad :-(

[Lucky Jim]

pwBPD normally have a history of high conflict relationships,   arguments with coworkers, family and friends.   Often times you'll hear 'people never really understand me' or 'people have always treated me badly.'

So true, babyducks.  And 9 times out of 10 the pwBPD will blame the incident on the coworker, family member or friend who no doubt treated them "unfairly."

My problem was that, for 10 years, before learning about BPD, I bought into those explanations from my BPDxW.

LJ

[startrekuser]

My problem was that, for 10 years, before learning about BPD, I bought into those explanations from my BPDxW.

LJ

They can be very convincing.  They know your weak points better than you.  They know how to manipulate you.  It's a skill that is actual quite impressive.    BPD patients have been known to sway their counselors.

[Cat Familiar]

So true, babyducks.  And 9 times out of 10 the pwBPD will blame the incident on the coworker, family member or friend who no doubt treated them "unfairly."

My problem was that, for 10 years, before learning about BPD, I bought into those explanations from my BPDxW.

LJ

Oh, count me in too! Yes, I thought, "You're such a great person and you've been so persecuted. It's so unfair!"

Then I got to know him better. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Lots of truth here.  I have to consciously remind myself to not believe my wife when she tells me so-and-so [one of our kids] is really upset, and dealing with huge problems, and has it so hard, and so forth.  It's often normal kid stuff with mom's BPD projection coloring it. 

It took me years to train myself not to believe her and be led along - it's like they have soul-stealing magical abilities.  I will quickly admit that my uBPD wife is very perceptive and has a knack to read people's emotions and can sometimes be amazingly intuitive, and then mix it with an amazingly projected miss every once in a while.  It's astonishing.

And back on the topic, yes, the worst of BPD comes out the closer to the core personality that you get.  My wife is a saint and ideal mom to the casual observer's perspective.  Everyone loves Dr Jekyl, and has never seen Mrs. Hyde. My wife has almost never shown tantrums. She is more the waif type, and if anyone sees her in BPD mode they would assume she's introspective, quiet, humble, maybe sad or depressed, etc. 

I wouldn't have fallen for an angry, stormy woman, but, the waif / hermit fooled me completely.  I also realize that years ago quite precisely I fit the "Hunter" personality that is supposed to align with, and pick, the waif - hermit according to "Understanding the Borderline Mother."  Sucks when all these PhD.s are correct!

[Lucky Jim]

yes, the worst of BPD comes out the closer to the core personality that you get.  My wife is a saint and ideal mom to the casual observer's perspective.  Everyone loves Dr Jekyl, and has never seen Mrs. Hyde.

Right, Sam.  My BPDxW has a gregarious personality and was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our little town.  Many responded to her charisma and she would hold "court" with neighbors.  Virtually no one knew that the Mayor was actually Mrs. Hyde behind closed doors.  Of course, I perpetuated the myth by keeping my mouth shut about her BPD, in part due to fear of reprisals but also to keep the image of our family intact in the eyes of our small community.  I still feel a sense of shame or guilt about keeping it a secret that I was an abused spouse.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

So true Lucky Jim, and even more of a stigma to being a man with "hurt feelings."
I say to others now (though not applying it to me personally) that all it takes to perpetuate an abusive relationship is silence.

[Enabler]

funny how you watch TV programmes or read in the paper about DV or child abuse and it always seemed to be that respectable vicar or that businessman. I've watched those programmes and thought blimmey, how does that happen, how do people have such split personalities that when that door shuts they turn into monsters, surely people would notice right?... .I'd got so used to the constantly wobbling ground I was standing on in my own home, the constantly warped reality I couldn't see how everything was manipulated. I couldn't see how my uBPDw was shaking me emotionally and although my suffering has been so much less than others in the bpdfamily it none the less probably qualifies for emotional abuse at the very least. How could anyone else see it for what it was if I couldn't?

I could see the MIL's abuse, it's clear as day unless a non-family member is present, then the mask comes down and all smiles.

[Enabler]

Oh and another thing, nons are replacement parents. PwBPD look to their intimate partners to provide the nurturing they NEED. Under the guise of attachment theory, they look to attach to their intimate partner to replace the stable attachement they failed to achieve with their primary carer. So, when they achieve attachment and idealise their partner they see their partner as if they were a parent. Along comes the expectation, the fear of abandonment as if they were a child. i reckon the masks come as a function of years of training, they're aware that behaving badly in front of others is shameful, shame is painful and draws attention to their inner badness (their perception not mine), shame must be avoided so they learn to pull the mask down. There's plenty of evidence that pwbPD adapt especially when their maladapted behaviours get a shame response. Public rage, self harm all tend to disepat in 10yrs for 80% of suffers according to some research I read.

[Lucky Jim]

So true Lucky Jim, and even more of a stigma to being a man with "hurt feelings." I say to others now (though not applying it to me personally) that all it takes to perpetuate an abusive relationship is silence.

You know it, Sam.  Silence is all it takes.  Yes, there's a stigma attached to being an abused husband, as if men are not victims of abuse.  Yet it happens everyday.  Most domestic violence support seems largely geared for women and statistics on abused husbands are minimal because men are too embarrassed to report abuse, or like me they suffer in silence.

LJ

[byfaith]

The problem is that when we first meet them and they show their wonderful side, we want so desperately to believe it that we overlook the crazy, explain it away: "Oh they're just stressed by______."

If I would have realized this in the beginning... .this statement brought back a lot of memories.

I want to kick myself in the A$$ but my leg won't reach back 6 years