Tells me to "calm my mind" when he's the one dysregulating?

[isilme]

So, something new.  It's just a phrase H has used about 2-3 times in the last 2-3 days, but it's a weird one and I needed to type a bit because I am mildy frustrated and very tired and typing helps me get it out and be in a better frame of mind at home.

We are working on some big projects to help friends make, and make for ourselves, some items for an trip coming up.  It's time intensive, and the deadline is approaching, and so I knew we'd both be tired and stressed.  Add in a sprinkle of his health issues making him feel more tired and various pains, and you've got some fun times.

H also obligated us to prepare a lunch-time Halloween themed birthday party yesterday for a coworker, and guess who ended up doing pretty much all the food prep, errands, and made it happen?  Yeah.  It went well, he was nice about it, but last night I think he felt guilty and so it was time to put me in a bad light to offset that guilt, and so I got mildly yelled at after our friends left for not adequately explaining a conversation he was half ass following between me and the other girly present, about a mutual friend maybe meeting us at the trip we're taking.  She'd get herself there.  She was just asking a few questions via text, and the other girl was talking to her an reading to me her replies.  He had started getting worked up about it, and had he been listening he'd have understood, but he got mad at me for telling him it wasn't anything he needed to worry about.  The girl texting is a bit flakey and so I wasn't even thinking she seriously wanted to join us, and it's on her to take care of the details.  

H got mad later, and even though I;d tried to give him a cliff notes version of it, he got super agitated, kept interrupting me, and told me to "calm my mind" to be able to give him the information he wanted.

Here's what I think the issue really was - he's tired, he does not like feeling like I did nice things for him and has to offset anything good I do,  me texting friends period makes him worry I talk about him and he worries I make him look bad, and he assumes I know what he's paid attention to and didn't.  Also, I know he's stressed about finishing projects for this trip, and having the other couple over to use our equipment and space to work is a lot of "company".  

It's just an odd phrase, I have no idea where he got it.  I think HE'S the one who needs to calm his mind, be quiet, and let me tell him the information he's asking for instead of interrupting me every 2nd word to yell at me for how badly I explain things.  Sorry, just venting there.  

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[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder if he is projecting, like u say... .and it would be a good time to simply say... .
“Oh, good idea, thanks dear, lets pause two minutes to take a breath.”

Maybe treat it as a cue that he is requesting things slow for a min or so for him to calm and regulate himself?

(I know he phrased it “for you” yet wonder if u can benefit the dynamic to simply assume to slow down... .even if... .discreetly is “for him.”)

[isilme]

Sunfl0wer,

I don't think it's a mindful call for both of us to calm down.  He says when he is on the verge of losing it, suddenly, while I am still talking or trying to do something he asked me to do, interrupting me, because I magically in 2 words did not convey what information he wanted, or magically do the action demanded in 2 seconds or less - he is telling me to shut up or stop moving, let him rant until he's complained I never explained something to him in the midst of me trying to explain something to him, or how I never listen and do what he says (baloney) because I unplugged the wrong plug from an extension cord. 

I know this may fall under JADEing, but how do you not JADE when you've been literally asked to explain a conversation or an action?  I'm not justifying, I am simply relaying history AS he requested - I try to validate:   "I did not realize it was not clear, I am sorry.  Here is the story... .I did this.  So and so said... .* interrupted* - calm your mind - you never tell me anything you can't communicate you can't make sense I'm too angry to listen you need to learn to talk better you should have been clear in the beginning I don't know who all you talk to all day about what you chatter like a chicken when another girl is around you have cross conversations it's rude you are a fliberdegibit who can't be quiet... ." 

Yes, I think it's a form of projection - HE'S the one initially agitated.  I only become agitated when I realize that switch has been flipped and now we need to address the BPD, a normal conversation is not possible.  Mostly I try to just get quiet, and let him have his peace, because he typically chooses to do this right around bedtime - I am not going for a walk to take a break at 11PM-midnight.  I just wait till he's ready to go take his shower to give us some space (house is incredibly small, no real private spaces except the bathroom).  If he could "calm his mind" he could actaully listen to me and pay attention and hear the things I relay to him.  I know he tunes me out at times.  But I have no way to know when he's tuned me out, forgotten what I have told him, or revised it in his head to fit some need he currently has. 

All I know is that we've had conversations where I have given him things like days, times, names, upcoming events, work schedules, etc.  The things you tell your spouse so they know when you have to work through lunch or can't run an errand a certain day.  And he gets mad when I look surprised he does not know/remember things, that we even spoke about it, and he denies I ever told him anything or even claims I made statements that were his or vice versa (what is with THIS, anyway - can anyone talk about the memory swap game that seems to happen?) .

I am not allowed to ever express any negative emotions about repeating myself or telling him things I know we discussed or his revisionist history where he no longer believes he made certain decisions or comments.  I know his reality is the now based on his current emotions and even his current "audience", and mine is based on history and my semi-photographic memory.  I also know he at times resents my memory and rails against me if I ever forget things (it doesn't work like that - long term memory good - short term memory is swiss cheesed, full of holes because I am often tired and frazzled these days.  I have never claimed to be infallible, and also made it known that I have a form of dyslexia so some things like numbers and names won't "stay still" for me".  They kinda wiggle and are indeterminant, making some things damned hard to keep straight.  Once it's written over to the long-term section of my brain, it's a bit more stable.). 

It's just an odd phrase, and I wonder where he picked it up.  And we are both tired, yesterday was a long day, and he is freaking out about his looks, his health, his progress on making things.  So I am not terribly distressed over this, I just find that typing it here helps me get it out of my head and not allow it to become bigger. 

[Lakebreeze]

Dear islime,
Holy smokes I can relate to this! The raging demand that something be explained ( something we previously discussed and decided together on or a decision he made himself!) And then H just wants to rage on about how wronged he has been, what a horrible wife I am etc. If I try to get a word in edgewise to do the explaining he is demanding he shouts over me "don't get this conversation off track, don't confuse what we are talking about." What it really means is" I don't want to hear ANYTHING you have to say. Be quiet!" And yet he uses some phrase about keeping the discussion on track. I suspect he reads Yahoo articles on the internet and then sort of uses the stuff against me. The other day it was he was "setting boundaries."
Anyway I digress. It boils down to this. Have you ever read "when hope is not enough." It's about living with BPD. One point that author had was that the BPDs emotions are all about them. It's all about them, it's not about you. So your H's comment "calm your mind!" Ummmm that's totally (projection at it's finest) about him. It's definitely not about you.
And most of the time when my husband is demanding an explanation... .We if I really listen just to the emotion he really just wants to complain. So I just listen.
Sorry this isent more uplifting! Good luck!

[isilme]

Thank, Lakebreeze.  No, it's uplifting at least to have some of my own validation that I'm not the only person to fall into this scenario.  I'm just worried because it's the start of a big ol' dysregulation season, and I really don't want about 3 months of this.  I'm tired. 

Since his health issues finally resulted in a diagnosis, it's been a rough summer and now fall as we tinker with nutrition and lifestyle to try to get sugar and other issues under better control.  In addition to diabetes, he's started having kidney stones - and I do not blame ANYONE for being cranky with kidney stones.  And for him, with his BPD, he HAS been trying.  I have to give him that.

He's doing fairly well, but the thing is, if your body is used to running at an unregulated 300-500 glucose level (bad), and you get it to a "normal" range of under 200 during the day and 100 or under fasting (morning), your body feels like you have the flu.  It takes time to down-adjust to realizing normal sugar levels is GOOD, not something to make you tired, cranky, sore, and overall feel ill, even without passing stones about 10 times since July, which resulted in one ER trip.  So that is where we are, health-wise.  Add to it the beginning of the holidays, meaning he will need to see his family, and the loss of sunlight... .yuck.  I want a short vacation at home, just me and my cats to sleep.   

[I_Am_The_Fire]

It does seem like an odd phrase to me as well. He may have read it somewhere. I agree it does sound like he's projecting.

I can relate to all of this too. It's exhausting and frustrating.

All I know is that we've had conversations where I have given him things like days, times, names, upcoming events, work schedules, etc.  The things you tell your spouse so they know when you have to work through lunch or can't run an errand a certain day.  And he gets mad when I look surprised he does not know/remember things, that we even spoke about it, and he denies I ever told him anything or even claims I made statements that were his or vice versa (what is with THIS, anyway - can anyone talk about the memory swap game that seems to happen?) .

If he's like my ex, he may be subconsciously rewriting history to suit him so he can have a "good reason" to rage at you. That's what it seemed like to me with my ex. Were these things conveyed to him verbally or in writing? If it's in writing, have you showed it to him?

he typically chooses to do this right around bedtime

My ex seemed to do this either right before bedtime or right after I woke up in the morning. When I'm tired, my emotions are heightened. Maybe these are the times when their emotions are running especially high and they need us to manage it for them. Just a thought. I never found a good solution for this. I tried to enforce my boundary of not talking about things right before bed or right when I woke up. He would just use that against me as well. I felt I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. It got to the point where I ended up tuning him out and just let him go off about whatever. I'm not saying that's a good solution, though. Sometimes I think they have "brain to mouth" issues. They don't seem to have a filter or realize what they're saying is hurtful, etc.

You're most definitely not alone.

[isilme]

Were these things conveyed to him verbally or in writing? If it's in writing, have you showed it to him?

It is usually both.  We have a messaging app we use to "talk" through the day, and for things that are kinda important, I typically send him a message and find ways that I hope aren't "nagging" to mention it as well.  But sometimes it's stupid things, like who said they liked a movie or food.  There is no rhyme or reason to the items he chooses to freak out over, as that is usually not the REAL reason he is upset, it's just a good excuse to go off the handle. 

I don't usually show him "proof".  It's just me being mean, and does not result in him backing off.

Yes, his bedtime dysregulation is tied to his belief that he dies a little every night (time does not move forward at all unless you go to bed) and his hatred of sleep.  He claims he has nothing but nightmares. I try to send clear signals I am winding down, and have been creating some "rituals" to make it clear it's time for bed.  I make tea now each night.  I set the diffuser, his "night light", and turn out my light.  Overall, it's much better than it used to be where he'd pick fights at bedtime every night because me sleeping is "abandoning him".