Message to Covert Friend

[walkinthepark247]

Hey! Several of you on here have encouraged me (and others) to have a friend to confide in regarding the violence. I believe I have found such a friend. I would be interested to get your input on the following message I just sent to this "covert friend" of mine:

Hello John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,

I’m really glad you reached out to me. It’s been a series of ups and downs since we last talked. We have a counseling session this afternoon with a brand-new counselor. This was set up by her. I’m really on the fence about it and extremely nervous. I don’t think we will make real progress until [she] addresses her violence and rage. Also, counseling just tends to be her airing her anger and frustration. Two counselors have now told me that her anger has little to do with me; rather, it’s based on her past. She is simply dealing with past disappointments that relate to her parents/abandonment and projecting her anger on me. I know that she could benefit from some psychiatric treatment.

I know that I have issues and that I could always work to be a better husband. However, violence cannot and should not be tolerated. Period. Full stop. Whenever I try to approach the subject with her, [she] never accepts any of the responsibility for her violence.

Two weeks ago I was sitting on my front porch having a cup of coffee. The father came to pick up the young child from the mother for his weekend. The young boy was screaming and traumatized about having to leave. I really thought about myself in that position with my kids and it broke my heart.

The thing that makes it so hard is that I see glimpses of hope within [her]. I just really wish she would get some help. I’ll let you know how it goes with the new counselor. At the same time, I know that this is out of my control. My guess is that I will not be able to get much in to say at the counseling session. Right now, I’m on the fence about simply “spilling the beans” in bringing the violent behavior to the forefront of any conversation with the new counselor. One other counselor also brought up BPD.

I have joined a confidential online forum on BPD issues. I know that [she] does not have a diagnosis and I am not a trained psychiatrist. But, the help regarding violence has been most helpful. It’s a good outlet and my story mirrors those of many others. There is a strong correlation and it does help to explain much of the bizarre behavior. On the site, they encourage us to keep up with a friend who isn’t in the midst of the situation. I hope you don’t mind being that person.

Your old pal, Walk

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

I'd feel a need to add something in there about please keep this between us, 100%.  Maybe even mention some aspects of BPD that can make someone charming and then scary, all based on their emotional "now", and how you hate for the bad things to be the only picture painted, but that's what you need help talking about with a safe confidant, if John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt feels like filling that role?

[Tattered Heart]

Hello John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,

His name is my name too! 

I'd like to second what isilme said. YOu just want to make sure this person understands that you would like privacy in this issue. Does this friend know your pwBPD? What made you feel safe in confiding with this person?

[isilme]

I've made a few mistakes at times sharing with people, mostly about my parents when I was a teenager and starting to feel more independent and more certain that my home-life was not "normal".  Unfortunately, my simple comments, even honest relations of how it was to live with my father and stepmother (I kinda did all housework, childcare for my stepmom's 6 grandchildren, and was still an honor student active in church, forbidden from long (more than 10 minutes) phone calls, visiting my friends, or even from shutting my own door so I could do my homework), got back to them.  I'd talked to my stepbrother, who seemed honestly curious and empathetic, and my boyfriend's mother.  I was not seeking pity, or complaining.  I was just explaining why I was not a "normal" teenager, running around all the time with friends.   My dad mocked me, asked if I felt I was Cinderella, and I could tell I was in trouble for daring to talk at all. 

Mental illness is not something most people understand.  BPD is not something people understand.  It can be scary, it lumps together a huge gamut of behavior, as well as saying someone is physically violent can lump together a lot of behavior.  H throwing something against a wall is being violent.  He HAS shoved me at times and used to like to pinch my arm when in public and he was angry but keeping quiet.  Does this mean I live in fear?  No.  Does this mean I need to be advised to leave and never look back?  No. 

Pick your confidant carefully, and make sure they are understanding the vocabulary you are using.  And make sure it's someone who can listen and not talk -to anyone, and who won't let it get back at all to your pwBPD or anyone else who might repeat things. 

[walkinthepark247]

I just realized that I could have been a bit more clear with my message. I have known this person for some time. We live on opposite ends of the country. I have no concerns about confidentiality and have been going back and forth a bit for some time.

I was feeling pretty conflicted about the marital counseling. I still am. We went to our first appointment. When I brought up past violence on the part of my spouse, she brushed it off and completely lied. Said she had only "maybe slapped him once". That's a complete fabrication. I don't know how marital counseling is ever going to work if there isn't going to be honesty. After the "I just smacked him" comment, I felt completely deflated. The violence has been an absolute nightmare and I feel that it has left me scarred.

[walkinthepark247]

I ended up posting a separate post. My real question is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316528.0