Need help with a painful combination - BPD and paranoia

[RealLifeSeeker]

This is my first post here. I'm not sure if this is the best place to put this. There are a number of other boards where this might fit, as well.

I am 61 years old and have been in a relationship with a pwBPD for 10 years. While not officially diagnosed, I spoke with a psychiatrist several years ago who suggested that, based on my observations, she fits the BPD model. She also seems to fit into the category of high functioning, so I have little hope that she will ever admit to any problems that could be treated.

As I read through the information about BPD online (and I've read both of the "eggshells" books), I can see that we have been through many of the scenarios described. Fear of abandonment, mood swings, explosive anger, jealousy, suspicion, narcissism, black-and-white thinking are all there. I don't detect any substance abuse or eating disorders. At times I'm the angel in her life and other times I'm a devil.

While the relationship has been frustrating and draining at times, I made a conscious choice to continue with it, doing what I can to identify and understand the triggering events. We did have one break up a few years ago that lasted one month. Since then, we've had a couple of other situations where we didn't talk for two or three days, but no long break ups.

If all we had to deal with were the BPD issues, the relationship might be rocky but manageable. The issue with which I can use some help is that she is also paranoid and has feelings of grandeur. She feels that people are after her, watching her and periodically trying to do her harm. She is no longer comfortable living in her condo because she thinks the people upstairs are working for the NSA or CIA and are sending some kind of rays downstairs to target her. We have sheets of aluminum foil taped to the ceiling above the bed to block the rays so she can get some sleep now.

She insists that we go for walks without our phones because people are listening to her, even through my phone. Once a package for a neighbor was mistakenly delivered to our door, and she had a panic attack because she thought it contained some kind of toxic powder meant to hurt her.

Of course, if I bring up anything to the contrary (there are no deadly rays, they aren't listening to you, etc.) the BPD anger erupts in full force for several hours until I apologize a dozen times and find a way to derail that conversation. The biggest fights we have now are when she feels that I don't support her beliefs about what is happening to her.

The combination of BPD and paranoia may end up being the deciding factor as to whether I can continue to put energy into the relationship. I'm not at that point, as I have just begun to go through the vast amount of information online about BPD. I did do a search here to see what others have written about partners with BPD and paranoia, but didn't find anything specific. I likely just didn't know how to search the boards effectively.

So I'd be interested in hearing from others dealing with a similar combination.

Thanks for listening.

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[evanescent]

I have to wonder how she is sleeping.

Most recent events had my wife believing that I was cheating on her with somebody I had never heard of and later could not find on Google or Facebook. I have to believe she had dreamed it - or half dreamed it, and confused it with being awake. A sleep deficit could definitely be a contributing factor.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi RealLife,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with your relationship. BPD is so difficult but then the combine that with paranoid thoughts makes it even harder. Is there a history of schizophrenia in her family? Did these delusions just recently begin or have they been there for a long time?

My H will occasionally go through intense paranoia. About a year ago he began to believe we were in another dimension and I was so worried that his mind was completely gone. He would get angry if I didn't believe his delusions I was considering trying to figure out how to get him into a psych unit so he would have to get help.

One thing I learned during this time is that no matter how ridiculous his beliefs were, they were real to him. I remembered this after working with a woman that had the beginning stages of alzheimer's and would have moments of dementia. She would get so angry that no one believed the things she was seeing. YOu don't want to validate the invalid, but you can validate what your pwBPD is feeling.

Some things she might feel are fear and confusion. If you can validate those things, it might help you at least relieve some of the arguments in regards to your response to her. The more you tell her what she believes she is experiencing are not real, the more she will see you as the enemy and at some point may even start to believe that you are working against her with the FBI or CIA.

I'm including the link to our workshop on Don't Be Invalidating so that you can maybe come up with some different ways of responding. If you need help with wording any responses, feel free to share them here and we can help you work through it.

[RealLifeSeeker]

Thanks for the help! I definitely need to focus on the validation/invalidation that I do. Thanks for the info and links.

[JoeBPD81]

My Gf recognizes some paranoid thinking. Mostly about me cheating, or talking about her. She closed her FB account because she suffered a lot. She also hears noises that she says no one else hears. She thinks people stare at her and comment on her weight all the time... .

But she is aware of all that. While she is having those thoughts, she can't shake them as irrational, she believes them 100% sometimes, other, even though she knows they are probably false, she can't shake the emotion that bring. So she feels very scared about losing her mind.

Just yesterday she sent me this video to understand how she feels when she has these kinds of thoughts: https://youtu.be/1m8xffnG-G0

She often says that she is not so crazy that she doesn't realize she is crazy, and that is very painful. She thinks that if she weren't aware, she would be happier.

She goes back and forth between hating the exercises to be more aware and react better, and doing them to be in control of her life. Between surrendering to the crazy and fighting it. When she surrenders, every "normie", every sane person is the enemy. She also thinks that if she could live completely isolated from other people, she would be happy. Human relationships is what triggers all her pain.