First post here

[Zuker]

Hello,

My ex wife has BPD. Recently divorced, currently going through custody issues. I am the one that left the marriage and now I feel like I’m paying for it. We have one child. Ever since I left her I feel like she’s out to crucify me. She’s using our daughter as a pawn and I don’t know how to handle this or her condition. Please ask me any questions. Please help.

Thanks so much.

C

[ForeverDad]

Thanks for registering.  You will find extensive peer support here.  We've been there, done that.  In general we have a pretty good idea of what usually works and what usually doesn't.  Of course, what works for you may not work for everyone, but that's to be expected since BPD (and the other PDs) have a list of traits that are exhibited in a wide spectrum of behaviors and perceptions.

How old is your child?  Is there anything in particular that needs immediate attention?  Usually the younger the child, the more extreme the BPD actions, reactions and overreactions, especially regarding custody and parenting schedules.

A lot of the conflict can be categorized as boundary pushing.  You set proper limits and the spouse fights them tooth and nail.  There's little else to do but to stick to your boundaries as much as possible.  Appeasing or giving in will at best only work for a little while and then with the ex feeling entitled and/or enabled there are more and more demands.  Of course sometimes exceptions are needed, no parenting schedule covers every possible scenario, but make sure the exceptions are not taken as a weakening of your boundaries.

You may want her to get therapy.  You may want... .whatever.  Sadly, you can't fix her.  And courts generally handle parents as they are.  That's a good lesson to learn too, you need to handle all contact with her based on how she is, not as you wish her to be.  Odds are she'll never really improve unless she gets into meaningful therapy and sticks with it long term.  However, once she realizes the New Normal doesn't always go in her favor then the conflict may lessen a bit.  Over time.  What that perspective does is help you to Let Go of a lot of the angst and frustrations, knowing you're not the cause of the problems and you should focus on yourself and your children, that's the reality.

[livednlearned]

It's excruciating to watch what can happen to our kids in these divorces

How old is your child?

What type of custody arrangement is in place at the moment? What are kind of final arrangements are you hoping to get?

There are usually two battles that go on. One is for legal custody. The other is the battle for hearts and minds.

Do you have a good relationship with your child? How would you describe the way your ex's symptoms present?

Glad you found the site 

LnL