Stay or Go?

[Momster83]

I have just read “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. My husband has not been diagnosed with BPD but I think he really fits the description of a high functioning borderline. We have been married for 12 years and have two young kids (6 & 3), but have been separated for a month and a half because of infidelity. The cheating was supposedly 3 years ago but I found inappropriate picture 2 years ago. Getting caught seemed like an opportunity for my husband to become more open and honest with me about his struggles. Rather than working past it, though, he started to admit a fantasy of opening our marriage and seeing me be sexual with other men. In an attempt to please I was willing to try meeting and befriending swingers but have always had a moral discomfort with the idea. When I finally put my foot down and started to reconnect with myself and my values again, he flipped out and became verbally abusive, or got depressed and then mad at me for not helping me out of his depression. The final straw was him becoming physically intimidating and throwing an object in the house when he was mad at me.
I’m here because I need support as I navigate where we are at now. I have been in counseling for myself since we split. We have done couples counseling but have reached an impasse where the counselor will no longer see us until my husband does his own counseling and internal work. He has yet to set his own appointment and keeps emphasizing a need for a better couples counselor who will help us communicate better, but isn’t moving very quickly to make that happen either. On a positive note, I have been able to come back with a clear written statement about what kind of marriage I want (100% monogamous) and what actions I’d like to see from him to believe he’s fully committed to me and believes he’s been wrong. I have received a point for point written response that includes a willingness to do what I’ve asked. He has done some of the items on the list but the most important one, the counselor, ha hasn’t done.
Where I’m stuck is not knowing if he is capable of fully understanding how hurtful he’s been. I’ve become very explicit and honest and he’s never responded with clear, spontaneous contrition. I’m asking myself if I can wait for his heart to come around and match up with his behaviors. I really want to be an eternal optimist but I’m finding myself looking back over our whole life together and only seeing the ways that I gave up my voice and didn’t stand for what was right; Times that he was extremely critical and short tempered, later apologizing but never dealing with the root cause. I know know one can giv m my answer but me, but I’m hoping for support and someone to say they’ve been here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[evanescent]

Welcome to the board Momster83. You have already made terrific progress in understanding what it is you are dealing with.

I am newer here, but know that you have also already taken one of the most powerful steps you can take beyond understanding BPD by separating. If it is your intent to salvage the relationship, this provides you tremendous bargaining power if he intends the same. Likewise, being out from under the direct influence of your husband puts you in a position to take things further.

Children of course complicate the decision, but ultimately people here will understand whichever choice you make to go forward if you do so with eyes open and a plan to improve the circumstances.

[pearlsw]

Hi Momster83,

Welcome to the family! You have a quite a lot you are dealing with and now you are separated. I see you are also hoping to improve the situation.

You ask this question, "Where I'm stuck is not knowing if he is capable of fully understanding how hurtful he's been." I cannot say for sure, but I've come to learn that when my partner with BPD traits hurts me it is actually quite painful for him as well. He feels an extreme sense of guilt and shame so when confronted with such things it just breaks him. I can't say for sure, everyone with BPD is different to one degree or another, but I think it is possible he does see you are hurt, but admitting to that is also extremely painful for him. I know, that hurts you too! That is how these cycles get going! I think one approach is to adjust your own expectations. I have learned that if my husband is sorry, says he is sorry, I take it. I try not to be the "apology police" and get the biggest, most perfect apology.
 Sorry is sorry and that is enough - I don't get into battles of will making him totally wrong and me perfectly right.

What are you hoping for contrition over? The infidelity? Suggesting a non-monogamous sexual experience and pushing you into something you didn't feel comfortable with? The physical intimidation? His not seeing his own counselor? All of these?

Wishing you peace with these struggles!