Nervous or Relaxed

[12years]

I am either one or the other. Nervous, very nervous and anxious when my husband is around. The walking on eggshells for so long has made me feel extremely nervous when I know he is coming home. Then it has become so bad (our relationship) that I just avoid him. That I am sure is not what he wants or can help his BPD. I just feel we have gone down such a bad road, and any time we try to do something together as a family, it still doesn't work out, as we tried just recently, though it's been pointed out that we should try and work together and communicate nicely when the children are around. So, again and again things don't work out, family outings, trips and never mind on a daily basis, there is the accusing and blaming if I let him near. I know it's accusing and blaming part of his disorder and not my fault but it just keeps going on though I have talked my head off saying please don't talk to me like this, and I understand he's upset, and try to work it through with him, but, I am just done, done done. I do walk away and leave now instead of getting wrapped up in the argument. But this constantly being aware of his moods or possible altercation has worn me down. But, there is still fight in me as I feel the adrenaline up. When he leaves the house, there is a sigh of relief and a decompression period. I have come to realize this and know that I will have a decompression period when he leaves. And when he goes on a trip, I finally get rest at night! I can think clearly and I can focus on me and the children! How can I calm down to interact? Has anyone ever been afraid? Heart rate go up? Want to slug a glass of wine? Then when we try to talk about things it ends up badly and now I just don't want to talk anymore. I have encouraged therapy, researched doctors and directed him to go, so I feel it's a waiting period. But, how do I handle these ups and downs? I have learned many techniques, but, when do you know it's never going to change unless you separate? You are at peace when they are not around? You have done everything given 2000% to counseling, talking, using techniques to stop arguments, take care of your own self, prepare for a separation, etc, etc. but, then you have a little fight left or hope left and you don't want to change the situation for the children, or make the "bear "come out even more going through divorce proceedings, and you know you are doing right, and then you know the hour is close they are returning home from work or a business trip and you become on edge? You know you aren't who you are supposed to be when they are around. You can't do what you want to, for you and the children, you are too aware of the other person. And then the decompression is so much you feel physically tired and weak and need to rest from being on guard all the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome back. I've been exactly where you are. It's a feeling than when he leaves the house peace just settles on everything until he returns again. It's a dreading the moments you are together because you never know what to expect. But there is hope. For the last 2 weeks I'm actually looking forward to time with my H. I know that I have whatever I need to handle conflict in me.

You said that you've worked on new skills with him. Can you give an example of a time you've tried to use the skills and it didn't work? Was your purpose in using the skills to get him to calm down or were you genuinely caring for him?

I would also suggest that even during the quiet times you continue reading and posting and helping others learn to work through their own conflicts. I've learned a lot for and about myself just by helping people like you who come in looking for advice. I read somewhere recently that you remember about 10% of what you hear, 20% of what you read, and 80% of what you teach.

[once removed]

hi 12years, good to see you back!

ive said a few times that during my relationship it was as if i lived on adrenaline and anxiety. as you may know, this isnt healthy for you; it can make it difficult to even function sometimes, it makes decision making much harder, in essence, you just start losing your will and operating on auto pilot or fight and flight.

we talk a lot about self care here, and its as important a part of the equation of living with someone with BPD as any, and its something that not only do we often neglect, but once we do, everything can really spiral.

are you seeing a therapist for yourself, or a doctor? just physically lightening your load and getting your body back in tune can go such a long way, and the next steps are easier to see, and approach.

[12years]

Thanks for the feedback. Usually I am more clear. I am glad to hear it isn’t just me that feels this anxiety. But anything to ease it? I don’t want to drink too much alcohol because then I can’t understand him at all, it takes a sober person to constantly be “on guard.”
I do see a therapist, since two years ago when I was realizing somethings wrong. Also talk to friends and relatives, but frankly they are sick of it. 
I do have my own life, I take the kids to Events and play dates, have girl friends of my own and looking for part time work. That I think will have to merge into full time a I think we will get separated. But I will have to pull the trigger. I have met with a lawyer and got great advice and preparation. I’ve read waklking on eggshells, discusses exit strategies with my therapist, read “splitting” as well.
I also try to use skills to deescalate and now walk away, leave or disassociate. But that’s like leaving the relationship emotionally. Or I guess I have. There’s been many many calm talks, marriage therapy, I have encouraged him to go to therapy, he went once but support finding a new doc upon my recommendation. He is also a narrcassist. I have felt scared but now have info. And was hopeful but after a year of therapy together, me going on my own, he still has fits, name calls, just doesn’t get this is serious. But I think I have said everything so we will have to see if he gets therapy for himself but then I have lost all caring emotion just want him to be healthy for himself and kids. So now I just feel lonely... But the last remaining emotions are anxiety and I am angry too. I am just tired of going up and down based on when he’s home. I feel like a jerk controlling situations, planning, dealings with kids but I am done with circular arguments and erratic behavior for too long of a time.
I have asked him to leave but he won’t. So I guess if I am not happy then I should make a change. Hard with the holidays coming up... .
He was gone on a trip for four nights and it was blissful. Shouldn’t I just have peace?