I decided to post under this topic because I need help on a current situation.  I'm really looking for a "what I should do" and not what my BPH should do.  I've already accepted that I can't control his emotions, moods, and what he does.

Monday we had a text/phone call war about my mess up on the bank account.  I forgot to figure in a bill that was paid.  We weren't overdrawn, but depleted on funds for the week.  I thought I did a good job with validating and all that.  So I thought that we were going to be okay.

Tuesday we had a blow out.  He started "venting" about his feelings.  It's good to vent, but when he started attacking me, taking some pretty low blows, I could feel my blood boiling.  We both ended up screaming at each other and saying really mean things.  I know I didn't handle it well at all and all the tools I learned here were chucked out the window that day.  I screamed at him that I already felt like sh** about the situation and I didn't need him screaming at me about it.  I was a sarcastic b*** the rest of the afternoon and he was poking at me, egging on our current foul moods.  We were in the same house, but we pretty much gave each other cold shoulder.  Then he picked up our oldest from school and got angry because I missed a conference yesterday with his teacher.  I snapped at him that I told them I couldn't make it because of work.  Then he said I talked to them and said it was taken care of.  I stared blankly at him.  I know I'm forgetful sometimes... but I have no recollection of saying that at all.  Then he got angry and said I lied to him.  I still can't remember ever saying that to him.  So now I'm thinking he thought I said that and turned it into his reality.

Wednesday morning, I had a really bad cry.  I was so mad and hurt and angry that we went back through this cycle.  We were still co-habiting.  In the same space, but talking around each other.  I was steamed at the cruel things he said.  I was mean, I admit it.  He was downright cruel.  Said things that made me feel like crap scraped off his boots.  So I was being stubborn.  I was finding it hard to validate and everything else when I was still steaming.  I went to work, did some more reading about understanding everything I was feeling and how to feel better.  When I came home, I was feeling better.  We were still talking around each other, still feeling the tension.  He spent most of the night in his den while I took care of the kids.  I was kind of glad for the distance.  We went to bed and still could slice the tension with a knife.  We still didn't talk and kind of just, kept distant.

So now going on day four.  I know I let this go longer than I should.  I'm just finding it extremely difficult to be affectionate and bridge this cold distant feeling we have.  I'm still hurt and angry at the really cruel things he said.  I've already told him that the things he said was hurtful.  I know I messed up and was the start of all this.  How do I get past my stubborn feeling and start to mend this iceberg between us?  I can't make him do anything and saying what he should do won't help me.  I need to figure out what steps I can take to get past this resentment I'm feeling and start moving forward again.

Thank you for the reply.  That was actually helpful.  It's really frustrating because this is true.  He's even said he does certain things to get a reaction.  It's almost as if he doesn't want to feel completely crazy, knowing that I have it in me to act just as bonkers sometimes.  While I admit that I have the full capacity to come completely unhinged, I am able to regulate it a lot better than he can.  When I am pushed to that point, I act just as crazy, but not as cruel.  It also is frustrating that even in the midst of our screaming match, he did bring up a few good points.  It's just the way he addressed the points was anything but gentle.  Which only made me feel worse.

My H has the same cycle. Right now we are in the uncomfortable co habiting.  I've been wanting to take the approach of acting like everything is normal, usually acting normal helps, but I feel like I'm faking it and he knows.  I'm just hesitant if that is the right approach or like pouring salt in open wound.   

In a way it is faking - you know things aren't "normal".  I do it to show him I am moving past the drama, that I have no desire to prolong it.  I show him with my actions that "yes, you freaked out, no, it was not right, but also no, I am not abandoning you over it, so can we please move forward and you try to not do it again?"

 

Frankee, please don't kick yourself for "backsliding" on your communication skills.  Many of us nonBPDs have done this.

Having a BPD spouse/partner can be trying and some days you have just had enough. 

Then we get sucked into the cycle drama and go for it.  We all know the vulnerabilities of our partners and we go for the jugular with words known to hurt.  Then we regret it, knowing the pwBPD really has no control in how he is feeling.

Don't punish yourself and move on.

Living with a pwBPD can try even the sanest person.

I am tired.  He seems to be stuck on repeat with the push/pull cycle.  The way he reacted to me being gone and not answering the phone was blown completely sky high.  If I had been on his end, I would have been like...   Oh,  okay.  I was just worried because you didn't answer the phone.  Glad you and the baby are okay, see when you get home.  In his mind, I had cashed my paycheck, grabbed the baby, and ran for the hills.  That is the only explanation for the complete meltdown he had.

I keep trying to remind myself his emotions are a rollercoaster.  Just so hard in the moment.  My H is the same way.  If there is any hiccup in paying bills, rent,  or other expense... We are going to get kicked out, we're going to starve, have to pawn his stuff since he has all the nice stuff.   I do believe that it makes him feel out of control, insecure,  and all that.

Right now I'm struggling.  I have two little boys and right now is high time for play.  Doesn't help I did something to my left wrist and has left me with a dull aching pain.   Been rubbing icy hot and taking medicine, not helping yet.  Every 5 minutes it feels like one of them is screaming or crying.  It's wearing down my current mood something awful.  I'm counting the time to bed time.  I think I'm going to put them to bed a little early so I have alone time before my H comes home from work.  I think some self pampering after their bedtime would help.  I need to do something. 

I'm still trying to figure out what to say or how to act when my H comes home.  I'm hoping I can relax before he gets home.   If I had to deal with him the way I'm feeling right now,  would be a recipe for disaster. It makes me wonder.  Do the cycles ever break or do they only become less frequent and less volatile?

Hi Frankee, You have gotten a lot of good advice here already, but as I read your post I want to make some additional suggestions. And this is going to be BIG. But let me tell you a few stories to help ease this pill down... .

I had a boyfriend years ago - my second boyfriend. He was a good guy in a lot of ways, a hard-working blue collar guy. I learned a lot from him, even worked with him a bit on job sites. I am glad I knew him. On the other hand it was not easy with him and it wrecked my life quite a bit. After many hard years he fell apart, secretly started doing drugs behind my back and then even stole from me. A lot happened in those years.

I felt justified too in my anger (afterall, he was always bringing a lot of problems into our lives) until one day I didn't feel justified anymore. I just couldn't live with arguing back. It was not me. It was giving me high blood pressure and it was against all I believed in in my bones. I started a regular mediation practice and I gave up arguing like that for good. I slowed down my reaction times and I had control over my life again despite all going on with him. I gave up arguing. It can be done.

My first boyfriend and I barely argued so I was not used to this level of difficulty. (I thought I'd never face this stuff again til I met my current partner, and his BPD stuff... .) I gave this 2nd relationship my all - couples counseling, standing by him through his depression, job loss, weird legal stuff (charges pressed against him, charges he had to press against someone else for a work related theft.) A lot of drama someone else brought into my life that had no place in my life... .until I finally said "no more" and brought it all to a peaceful/friendly end.

I can tell you this. Please. As one human to another. Give up the screaming and yelling and arguing. There is no point. Let it go. Commit to healthier ways of communicating. Don't give another person any buttons to push. You can bring the temperature down on this whole thing a whole lot if you just put these behavioral controls on yourself come thick or thin. It is possible and it is worth it. You can't change him as you say, but you can change you. Choose peace. Choose freedom from this kind of interacting with anyone. I guarantee you it is worth it.

There are great tools here to support this. Meili's post lists a lot of them! You don't have to take up mediation, but you have to give up thinking it is okay to be a little less crazy than he is. We are not justified in this. We are simply not. We have to do our best and communicate in a healthy way and then let the chips fall where they may. It may work, it may not. My husband left me today despite me talking to him in nice ways. I would feel worse about it if I was mean to him. I was not. I was kind. If I never see him again, I will know my last words were kind and that will make it easier for me to go on with life. Please. Toss aside all you thought you knew, all the tools you rely on and start fresh. Relearn how to communicate. It will at the least bring you some peace. I promise.

Okay, those were my two cents! I wish you nothing but the best!

I hate yelling and screaming too.  I find it unproductive, waste of time, and doesn't resolve anything.  I hate when I allow myself to explode like that.  I know it's because I'm not finding constructive healthy ways to alleviate the stress and building anger.   I really wanted to be all of that because that is me.  I'm easy going, roll with the punches, easily adapt to situations, but not put up with crap...   Or that's who I use to be.  Fighting really hard to be that person again.

I agree.  I try to make my words kind when I can.  I try to tell myself that I don't like when someone talks to me like that or why would I  feel bad about something I said because I was angry in the moment. I don't always follow that thinking, but acknowledging that I know it's wrong and putting an effort to change is a step in the right direction. 
I decided yesterday to bombard my mind with positive imagery. Really let it sink in.  I can say that I am feeling better today.  I found a way to help self soothe and heal from a blitz attack.  I like to look up motivations,  strong moms, positive quotes.  It seems to help lift my spirits.  Hopefully tomorrow is just as good.