Withdrawing Financial Support BPD Daughter

[Wanttounderstand]

When our25 year old  daughter said she was leaving our family and wanted to be independent we cut off our financial support to her. Our relationship was not getting better while bending over backwards and buying a new car, paying for college, giving a living alllowance, paying for travel etc... .

Now that six months have gone by I'm wondering if that was too drastic? In a way we want her to see what it really means to be on her own, but I also wonder if she will see us stopping financial support as us abandoning her even though she was the one who wanted to sever family ties.

I texted her and told her I love her and am available, but didn't get a response.

I'd appreciate any input you may have.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Wantotounderstand:

Any decision we parents make are well thought out but there can always be that little seed of doubt.

You write that your daughter is 25 and she has gone to college.  As a result, is she able to get employment?  You also write that it was her decision to leave.  You didn't force her out.  No guilt for you there.

It certainly sounds like you have been very generous with your daughter.  Perhaps she is needing this time alone and away from you to prove to herself that she can be independent.  Not a bad thing!

As Moms, we are not always prepared when our children decide to test their wings.  Hang in there, Wanttounderstand.

[Turkish]

While I don't doubt in the least that what you sent her is true,  would you feel it invalidating of you were in her shoes?

Maybe a simple "how are you doing?" Throw the emotional ball into her court.  

[Wanttounderstand]

Hi, Turkish - My text to BPD daughter said that no matter what is going on with everyone I want her to know I love her and am available. Not quite sure what you mean about that could be invalidating.  I'm kinda new at this... Thank you.

[Turkish]

Hi Wanttounderstand,

Since you changed the relationship dynamic, she likely equates love with "Mom and Dad giving me money." Do you think this might be how she feels?

You say, "no matter what is going on with everyone I want you to know I love you and am available."
She might feel like, "You don't love me, because you no longer provide for me!"

Any other parents have experience on the other side of withdrawing financial support?

I went through something similar with my BPD mother, who was more Waifish ("rescue me". Later, I found out she was soliciting help and a lot of money from so many others. We saw a person in need... .yet we just enabled her poor decisions, and this cycle continued for years until she lost everything, a natural consequence of her behaviors.

It's been six months. Has there been any other communication?

What led up to you withdrawing support, was it gradual, or a sudden cut-off?

[Feeling Better]

Hello, thinking about what Turkish has written, I’m wondering if I’ve experienced something similar with my son.

My son has for many years lived in other countries and was quite often away for his birthday and Christmas. I’ve always given my adult kids money for their birthday as well as Christmas. I used to give my son his after his birthday, when I saw, him whenever he returned home, but one year and only that once I forgot to give him his birthday money, just never gave it a thought. The following year when I gave him his birthday money he threw it back in my face, saying he didn’t want it seeing as I’d not given him any the year before.
He was around for his following birthdays, so I put his money in his birthday cards as usual and thought all was ok as he always thanked me for his card and money. Then a year ago he split me black and went to live abroad again. I was in contact with him via email and just before Christmas last year I emailed him for his bank details so that I could send him his Christmas money. He replied “ I don’t want your money thank you. Can you please leave me alone”. At the time I was devastated.

I hadn’t thought about it before but since reading what Turkish wrote, I am now wondering whether my forgetting his birthday money that one year was seen by him to be evidence that I no longer loved him.